Preparing To Be A Help Meet: Part Three – Antsy Babies

Preparing To Be A Help Meet: Part Three – Antsy Babies December 11, 2014

online-dating-womenby Mel cross posted from her blog When Cows and Kids Collide

This next made-up story case is a hoot. Debi bites off more than she can chew when she tries to mix “online matchmaking” with a morality tale.

Case #2: An Old Antsy Babe
A mature, older woman had been single for a number of years. She decided to try an online matchmaking site to find a match.

I went online in my late twenties to get more experience dating and eventually find a partner.

She was offered a match and talked online with a very nice older gentleman with whom she enjoyed corresponding. They were cautious, only writing once a week, and then keeping their correspondance strictly non-personal.

Worst dating advice ever, Debs! If you write someone once a week and share nothing of interest, you will not get any responses. EVER.

He began to call occasionally. Oh, it was bliss hearing his voice. The friendship seemed to be progressing just fine, but weeks passed into months and still Old Joe showed no signs of talking the friendship up a level.

Oh, heck no. In real life, if the relationship isn’t moving, the woman (or man) should be checking other profiles out.

Then he missed a few weeks of calling and didn’t write for a while. The sweet, gentle Miss Oldie fretted, “Why doesn’t Old Joe write or call? Has something happened?” She impatiently waited a few more weeks before she wrote, asking if everything was all right. “I hope you are not ill or anything? I was concerned.”

That’s nice of her. Debi left out how Miss Oldie was getting to know two other guys while Old Joe went silent. Miss Oldie sets up a date with the guy in the next town; the other guy who lives in the next state will have to wait until she’s got her vacation time.

Old Joe wrote that everything was just dandy; he had just been down a little. So Miss Oldie felt better about waiting for another couple of weeks.


Old Joe stops writing and calling when he feels a bit down. That’s either severe mood disorder or personality disorder. Either way, tread with caution – or leave.

In terms of online anything, NO ONE waits a couple of weeks for someone to start communicating again after an extended silence. It’s not worth the lost time and opportunities.

Then she got very antsy. Whoa – hold your horses, Miss Oldie! Nothing has been promised; there is no understanding. He owes you nothing. Don’t demand that he state his intentions.

I agree: Old Joe owes nothing to Miss Oldie. On the flip side, Miss Oldie has no reason to wait around for Old Joe. And in real life, she’d be LONG gone…

After another week, Miss Oldie had had enough. She thought, “I would rather know that he is not interested, so I can get on with my (EMPTY) life. So she wrote Old Joe a very polite, dignified letter.

Why bother? He’s gone silent. Just move on, dearie. Go out with those other guys.

It was easy for the old guy to read between the lines. He had been married before and knew when a woman was telling him what to do and when to do it. He grinned and waited another month before responding. He wrote a polite, kind, thanks, but no thanks reply.

WTF? Old Joe’s a nutcase. Good thing that sweet, kind Miss Oldie took off. With any luck, another guy online is her sweetheart now.

The moral of the story is:
Patience is critical. Even when a push is kind, polite and thoughtful, it still exerts pressure that the man instantly perceives as asserting control. One last story will show you that there is more than one way to scare off a man.

So, Debi views Miss Oldie’s story as a failure. Huh. I view it as a success. After all, Miss Oldie got away from Mike Pearl…..i mean….Old Joe.

AntiPearl: Save a boyfriend for a rainy day – and another, in case it doesn’t rain.
Mae West

Read everything by Mel!

Mel is a science teacher who works with at-risk teens and lives on a dairy farm with her husband. She blogs at When Cows and Kids Collide


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  • Sandy

    I love it. Debi’s view of men is only shaped by Michael and his irrational fear of a woman telling him what to do. What I don’t like is Debi saying that “Old Maids” have an “empty” life. Most older single women that I know are busy and involved in jobs and other activities. Many do want to have a special someone but they don’t put their lives on hold. Debbie is projecting here. She would be lucky to have an “empty” life. She instead has one that goes into the high negatives since she is married to Michael.

  • Nightshade

    Miss Oldie and Old Joe…nice way to show respect for your elders, Debi. At least Joe is considered important enough to get a name…why not the Miss who the story is allegedly about?

  • Nightshade

    That empty life thing bothered me too (among many other things). Whyever should an unmarried woman’s life be considered empty? Maybe she’s OK with not being half of a couple, she may very well have quite enough else to live for without being desperately needy for a man.

  • Nea

    Debi isn’t describing men. She’s describing spoilt children who aren’t ready to live an adult life on their own, much less form an adult partnership.

  • Nea

    Most older single women that I know are busy and involved in jobs and other activities

    Seriously. I’ll have to pencil in a reminder to give a flying *cough* what Debi thinks of me, but I really won’t have a spare minute until after the holidays.

  • Allison the Great

    I know. When I read that little jibe about there life being empty, I thought, “WTF, Debi?” Seriously, we might not all have the excitement of a man treating us like shit all the time and then falling to pieces when we assert ourselves like she does, but that doesn’t mean that our lives are empty, goddammit !/sarc

  • Allison the Great

    Poor Debi. She’s never been exposed to a decent human being before, so naturally all the characters she creates for her stories are not going to be mentally sound or have all their marbles.

    It’s only natural that the woman in this story would wonder why he’s not answering her back. Dating sites cost money, so why would he waste his by not responding to her and then get cocky when she asks what the fuck is wrong with him?

  • Nea

    Because some men feel that it is money well spent to have control over a woman, even if it’s just controlling the conversation and knowing that you’re making her crazy through your silence.

  • Nea

    She’s just a woman, that’s why.

  • Baby_Raptor

    Patience is critical. Even when a push is kind, polite and thoughtful, it still exerts pressure that the man instantly perceives as asserting control.

    This lady was *plenty* patient. There’s a difference between patience and letting yourself be a floormat.

    Further, the guy in this story is either a manipulator or an asswipe. He saw her letter, waited another MONTH and then deigned to reply? Dude’s playing games.

  • Baby_Raptor

    Doesn’t the bible tell older females and widows not to go looking for a husband but to spend their time in other ways? Helping the community, teaching the youngsters, ETC?

    This runs totally counter to what her own holy book says.

  • As someone Debi would consider Miss Oldie, the first thing I would do is have the guy investigated. As for an empty life, I am currently exhausted because it is so empty caregiving, trying to write, and attempting to regain a life of my own. Right now, I don’t even have time for a man, let alone a social life, let alone dealing with one online. Of course, as someone who isn’t married, doesn’t give a rip if I am, unless I find “Mr Better Worship at my Feet” forget. I’ve had one too many seriously flawed fiancés. Thing about getting to be Miss Oldie is we’ve been around the block long enough not to put up with Mr. Crap like MP.

  • lodrelhai

    Old Joe “grinned and waited another month” and we’re supposed to think *he* was in the right here? That’s not scared off, that’s a troll baiting his victim. I was willing to give Super Dude from the last story the benefit of the doubt, but Old Joe is bad news all around. Why would anyone *want* a partner who thinks it’s fun to frustrate them and leave them hanging over important issues?

  • Astrin Ymris

    In RL, by the time the end of the month rolled by, Ms. O would have assumed he wasn’t interested by his failure to reply, and already moved on. Thus when Mr. Joe pulled up her page to give her his poison keyboard answer, he’d discover that she was chatting with a grown-up instead of biting her nails, fretting over HIM.

    Poetic justice is sweet.

  • ConcepcionImmaculadaPantalones

    Sounds to me like the guy is BOTH – he’s a manipulative asswipe. And if he has the time for games as well as an interest in playing them, he would be much better off to not be on an online dating site, but should try sitting in front of the tv with an xbox. Clearly the guy described by the Pearls has more in common with teenage/young adult males than adult women.

  • Nea

    Yeah, that rang my bells too. Joe’s a controlling jerk and Debi doesn’t even notice the red flags he’s flying, which says more about her than she realizes. But then, look at who she married…

  • Nea

    Not that the Pearls know that there’s a difference… Michael loves to play head games, Debi played head games to get him — it’s not like either one knows what a healthy relationship is.

  • lh

    I just want to know how old you have to be to be considered “Miss Oldie”. I mean, I’m almost 23, and my siblings were ALL married by 20, so I guess I’m the Miss Oldie of my family. I’ve had a couple serious relationships but nothing that was even remotely close to leading to marriage. I can’t see myself being married anytime soon simply because I’m *enjoying* being single, living alone, and being responsible for me and me alone. Of course, in Pearl world, my life is Empty so what do I know, right?

  • Mel

    I haven’t finished the book yet – it’s too darn toxic for long reading spells – but so far she’s talked about women from age 13 (herself) through 23.

    I have no doubts that Debi would consider me a Miss Oldie since I didn’t start dating with any sort of frequency until I was 26, didn’t meet my husband until I was 28 and married at 30. This worked out well for us because we both agree that our marriage wouldn’t have survived if we were 20 and 22 when we married. Plus, it’s just easier to have a two-person family when both people are adults who have lived outside of their parents’ house. “Leaving and cleaving” is a whole lot easier when you have already left and set up your own life.

  • lh

    Yeah, that’s another thing. All of my siblings went directly from living at home with our parents, to living with their spouses. I can’t even imagine. I am the youngest and I’m the only one who left home for college instead of going locally, and even now that I’m back in my hometown, I found a little house to rent because I wasn’t about to go back to being treated like a sixteen-year-old just because I lived in their house. Even just the experience of having non-family roommates is something I feel helped me prepare for the possibility of living with a romantic partner in the future – you gotta figure out living with someone who you haven’t known since birth at some point, right?

    I just don’t feel like, in most cases, early marriage is all that beneficial. By the time I (maybe) get around to marriage, I will have supported myself for several years, learned how to have adult relationships, and figured out more about how to be alone without being lonely. Desperation is never a good place to begin the search for a mate.

  • teaisbetterthanthis

    I’m guessing 30-35, based on Debi’s perspective of life stages.

    And Old Joe is probably 40+, especially if he’s been married before. And is trolling the internet for young, naive, impressionable women who he can easily control.
    That delay in responding? A test. To see if she’d whimper and beg for forgiveness for whatever SHE did to push him away.

  • Nea

    It’s not like she actually knows what it says. She knows what Michael tells her it says, and if she ever thought differently, he’s been sure to tell her how stupid she is for crossing him.

  • Nea

    A test Miss Oldie passed with flying colors… not that Debi would realize that because Michael likes the people around him to beg him.

  • teaisbetterthanthis

    She dodged a serious bullet with this one. I call that a win.