Quoting Quiverfull: Put Your Husband First or Divorce?

Quoting Quiverfull: Put Your Husband First or Divorce? December 21, 2014

husband_pleasinf_coffee_womanby Katelyn Carmen of Family Share – 5 Ways You Are Unknowingly Destroying Your Husband & Killing Your Marriage

Some of the advice in this article isn’t bad, like living within your means or not expecting for your husband to know what you mean when you drop subtle hints, but this is right up there with the steaming load of crap Nancy Campbell and Debi Pearl peddle.

When your children, mom, best friends, talents, or career in front of your husband, you send a clear message to him that he is unimportant. Imagine having that message sent to you every day for many years. What would that do to your self esteem?

Put your husband first.

Although it sometimes seems counter-intuitive and counterproductive, I think you’d be amazed to find that it’s often the key to the greatest happiness in marriage. So many couples get divorced these days, because they neglect to care and love one another and put each other first.

If you choose to put each other first, you will find a lot of joy.

QUOTING QUIVERFULL is a regular feature of NLQ – we present the actual words of noted Quiverfull leaders, influential bloggers and cultural enforcers and ask our readers: What do you think? Agree? Disagree? This is the place to state your opinion. Please, let’s keep it respectful – but at the same time, we encourage readers to examine the ideas of Quiverfull and Spiritual Abuse honestly and thoughtfully.

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What Are Your Thoughts?leave a comment
  • Saraquill

    The grammar of the first sentence makes my head hurt.

  • . . .you send a clear message to him that he is unimportant. Imagine having that message sent to you every day for many years. What would that do to your self esteem?

    Okay, these people write books that tell women that we are just helpers, that we don’t need our own personalities, goals, or jobs, that even if we are right and our husbands wrong we should follow him anyway, but when a man may be getting the message he is unimportant, then they suddenly start wondering what that message might do to a person’s self esteem?

  • Nea

    So many upvotes.

  • Joy

    Tried that. Didn’t work. Now divorced and FREE!!!!

  • Independent Thinker

    Some men are just lazy and deserve criticism. I often think of Debi and Michael Pearl’s oldest daughter. Rebekah and her husband Gabe. Two able bodied adults breeding themselves into poverty because her lazy “visionary” husband refuses to get a real job and she won’t work because bible. I want to mail them a Steven Hawking poster with the words “No Excuses” in large font. If a man feels unimportant he needs to put his man pants on and make his own life meaningful.

  • Nightshade

    Note it says ‘put each other first.’ EACH OTHER. That’s a mutual effort, and if it actually is mutual it can work. One-sided it results in human doormat syndrome, which is never a good thing.

  • Nea

    It’s not just their children making them poor – apparently hubby decided that if he didn’t depend on God every day for his daily bread he wasn’t loving God enough… so he gave away all the money they had, then stopped working.

  • ShinyZubat

    Oh wow! I actually saw someone post that article on facebook recently. I showed it to my husband and we had a good laugh. I mean, that title alone… it’s so dramatic.

  • Trollface McGee

    Does she advocate the husband do the same for his wife?
    Sometimes you need to put someone ahead of your spouse, sometimes your best friend is sick and them getting some soup and company is more important – adults with healthy egos can handle that without falling apart.

  • Astrin Ymris

    Yeah, I think there’s a typo in there, and she MEANT to say “…When you put your children, mom, best friends, talents, or career in front of
    your husband, you send a clear message to him that he is unimportant…”

    But maybe even she can’t stand to read the toxic blather she writes. Or maybe she senses that reading it over in an analytical mindset while looking for errors would NOT be “faith promoting”. ;-D

  • Independent Thinker

    Last year around Christmas I took my grandma in for a scheduled surgery in a hospital about an hour away from where I live. I spent the night at her house the night before just me and her because we had to get up at 5 am to get her to the hospital on time. My husband took off work and had to cook and be a parent while I was gone. According to this woman it’s probably a miracle we aren’t divorced. I didn’t even leave him a meal in the fridge or cookies to gorge on while I was gone.

  • Trollface McGee
  • ConcepcionImmaculadaPantalones

    You’d think that given the facts that he and his family are getting deeper into poverty and likely starving slowly, he might take it as a sign that God doesn’t like the way he’s doing things and definitely doesn’t view it as proper service/love. And the Pearl parents standing by without putting a single boot into their adult-children’s butts to kick them into doing the necessary responsible actions should be EVIDENCE ENOUGH as to why their books, their plans, their rules and step by step process to attain the perfect family, marriage, and life everyone so deeply wants are simply a waste of time and money.

    Having faith and believing in God is perfectly ok if it’s what a person chooses, and for those who choose to have neither in their life that’s fine by me as long as we’ve got an understanding that I won’t attempt to convert them if they don’t try to reality-check convince me not to believe what I believe. We can be friends just no talk of religion if everyone involved can’t accept we all have the right to our own beliefs whatever they are or aren’t. But personally, my God would never say that unless my family and I starve to death in a shack without utilities or even warm clothing let alone attempt to get an education and a job that I wasn’t demonstrating the proper and God-demanded sort of love. My God doesn’t demand anything in the first place. Just makes gentle suggestions and brings in some people that are encouraging as one goes through life.

  • ConcepcionImmaculadaPantalones

    In the aspect of putting your partner and marriage first so that it’s solid and you’re interacting with someone in a healthy and fulfilling relationship way, that’s one of the best ways I’ve seen for approaching the job of parenting. It needs both people to be fully invested in the work to keep the marriage at its best, and you shouldn’t start out to simply get married as the CP/QF model seems to dictate; you should marry the first person your dad and their dad have decided on and make haste to plan your wedding, forget about getting to know that person too well because that’s apparently what you do only AFTER you pledge your forever in front of a room full of people. It’s ridiculous to expect forever out of a relationship between two people who are more or less strangers to each other.

  • Putting your hubby ahead of the kids? One of the reasons I never wanted children is because I’m selfish. Children come first. When you have a godly hubby who has needs that come ahead of his children, something is very wrong. What happened to the old ‘women and children first’? As for a woman giving up everything she is, sorry but stupid is as stupid does.

  • Rebecca Horne
  • Nicole

    I think it’s a balance- sometimes, I put my hubby first, sometimes my children first, and sometimes, I put myself first! It all comes down to balancing out caring for others while caring for yourself.

  • Rebecca Horne

    Even if you only take the way it’s phrased at the end–that partners should put EACH OTHER first (mutually)– it still leaves open the question, “to what degree?”

    It’s healthy and ok to have a life outside of your partner, and absolutely vital to take care of yourself. ALWAYS putting your partner first in EVERYTHING is a good way to burn yourself out entirely.

  • *salute*

  • Baby_Raptor

    When your children, mom, best friends, talents, or career in front of your husband, you send a clear message to him that he is unimportant. Imagine having that message sent to you every day for many years. What would that do to your self esteem?

    So something is only important if you act like it’s the biggest thing in your life?

    Katelyn is ordering people to commit idolatry. God is supposed to be the most important thing in a Christian’s life. Further, what about all the importance placed on kids? If something is only important when it occupies the prime place in your life are your kids really that important?

  • Nea

    From the Pearl point of view, their daughter is doing the right thing – letting hubby do as he pleases and supporting him in all things. Mama Pearl let Michael of drag them off to poverty and cat food in her “glorious” marriage; their daughter submits in all things including letting her untrained ignorant husband decide that he’ll be her only midwife. If (when) this kills anyone, it’s Gods will.

  • BlueVibe

    They also understand that sometimes not putting them first in the short-term allows you to put them first in the long-term. I wouldn’t marry a guy who insisted he come first every second, every trivial time, because I would have no life or self left, and that would definitely not make me a better wife. Spouses are better when they are at peace with themselves, and you don’t achieve that by guilt-tripping and criticizing all the time.

  • katiehippie


  • Evelyn

    I understand not getting so sucked into childraising that the relationship between husband and wife shrivels. But my ex husband was actually jealous (and admitted it out loud in front of people, AWKWARD) of my sick daughter, because she got so much attention and care. I have to wonder if he was so whacked because nobody cared for him like that when he was a baby, when it was appropriate to have somebody to take care of 100% of everything in life.

  • I read a book (can’t remember the title) by Lewis Smedes back when I was getting out of a bad marriage that discussed needs and wants and how to balance them in a family. One of his rules was “needs come before wants”. It sounds so simple and obvious, but in reading it I realized that many times I put my husband’s wants, like buying stereo equipment or camping gear, above my needs for clothes or new glasses. I had been raised with a lot of “don’t be selfish” and absolutely no guidance in distinguishing between needs and wants, although I realize looking back that my parents did put their children’s needs before their wants.