Quoting Quiverfull: Courtship Isn’t Spiritual But It Is Sexual?

Quoting Quiverfull: Courtship Isn’t Spiritual But It Is Sexual? January 26, 2015

quotingquiverfullby Doug Wilson of Blog and Mablog from ‘His Hand in Marriage’ as quoted by Vaughn Ohlman at his blog True Love Doesn’t Wait – Courtship: That Volatile Sexual Relationship

Editor’s note: This is one of those few times I don’t entirely disagree with Vaughn Ohlman. Yes, sexual attraction and chemistry exist and they do play an important part in marriage and who we chose to marry. But life outside the Fundamentalist Christian Bubble is just not as sexually charged and focused as it is inside. Most people don’t walk around thinking about sex all the time, unless they are a certain sort of sexually repressed Christian man.

A father has no obligation to protect his daughter from sex. If he tries such a thing, he is disobeying God. The issue is morality, not prudishness. It is false and unbilblical for courtship to be treated as though it were entirely a “spiritual thing”.   The courtship relationship should be handled carefully by Christians because it is a volatile sexual relationship. The fact that it is unconsummated does not keep in from being sexual. When a young man approaches a girl’s father , there is no sense anyone pretending that something platonic or spiritual is happening. “Mr. Smith, may I have you permission to speak with your daughter about missions?” The sexual relationship is there, like an unfired pistol, loaded and cocked. The godly young man who comes to a girl’s father is seeking a sexual relationship with that man’s daughter.

Doug Wilson, Her Hand in Marriage, emphasis his

QUOTING QUIVERFULL is a regular feature of NLQ – we present the actual words of noted Quiverfull leaders, influential bloggers and cultural enforcers and ask our readers: What do you think? Agree? Disagree? This is the place to state your opinion. Please, let’s keep it respectful – but at the same time, we encourage readers to examine the ideas of Quiverfull and Spiritual Abuse honestly and thoughtfully.

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What Are Your Thoughts?leave a comment
  • Nea

    “Mr Smith, I wanna fuck your daughter. How can I convince you to order her into my bed for the rest of her life?”

    Yeah, that sounds SO much better and holier than dating!

  • Saraquill

    I thought the point of courtship was to pair opposite sex couples while preventing their genitals from ever possibly connecting?

  • Nightshade

    It is at least more honest.

  • Nightshade

    I feel that I have to give Mr. Ohlman credit for acknowledging and accepting that a father protecting his daughter from sex is not a good thing. Too bad he doesn’t allow her the choice of who to have sex with, or when, or even try to teach her how to make that decision for herself,, or wisely.

  • I…don’t understand what these people want from everyone. Don’t let them be alone, but also don’t misunderstand courtship. Maybe this is their versions of sex-positive? I am just so very very very confused…

  • Amarad

    While some practitioners of purity may claim that courtship is “all about the spiritual”, their dogma, practices and philosophies most certainly do *not* reflect that.

    Consider the number of articles and books associated with Quiverfull, xian patriarchy and purity movements that we’ve read now. All of which go into great detail about how even errant text messeges and thoughts can corrupt your ‘purity’ and make you, yes YOU, the licked candy-bar.

    *Everything* in the purity movement and it’s ideological BFF’s are sexualized, from first kisses to thoughts to ankles. There are *no* platonic male-female friends. There aren’t even platonic female-female friends, not even because they might catch ‘the gay’, but because they might share experiences and provide a support structure for abuses.

    There is only The Family, and Father Approved Suitors.

  • Nea

    I think it’s more of V.O.’s incredible obsession with sex. Even among the hypersexuality of the fundamentalist/quiverfull fringe, he stands out for his reducing almost everything to the ability to have sex with a woman, her inability to say anything about it, and his continuing resentment that he, personally, was not handed his first hottie of choice. He claims because her father said no, but considering what he keeps saying about women having no choice, I’m thinking he’s going to go to his grave livid that she was allowed veto power over whose penis got to touch her.

  • Nea

    Last time a woman had a choice of who to have sex with, she said no to Mr. Ohlman. Can’t be having that! Notice that he made darn sure that his own son’s financee only knew him an hour before agreeing to be part of the family. Because a more informed choice might be the choice to say “no.”

  • Petticoat Philosopher

    Oh reeeaaally! I haven’t followed him enough to be aware that he has some kind of lingering resentment over a woman he couldn’t “have.” He wrote about this? lol

  • Nightshade

    I prefer to give the benefit of whatever doubt may exist, as much as reasonably possible, but he’s got way too much of an obsession on this subject for it to NOT be personal.

  • Nea

    It’s come up in comment discussion previously how he keeps making really, really pointed comments about courted girls who ask for “too much” in a potential husband and men who are “too particular” in who they hand their daughters over to.

  • Hester

    The sexual relationship is there, like an unfired pistol, loaded and cocked.

    That’s the most hilariously Freudian thing I’ve read all day.

  • SAO

    It should be blindingly obvious that marriage and the negotiations (for want of a better word) that lead to it are sexual in nature. It’s only on Planet Fundigelical that it’s brave and honest to say so.

  • Em

    I just enjoy the use of the words “loaded and cocked” here.

  • TimothyJ

    There is a common cultural theme (we see it all the time in movies) that teen girls need to be protected from poaching like livestock, and that teen boys are the wolves. There’s never any acknowledgement that teen girls might want sex and also deserve to have a fulfilling sex life. This theme is of course religious and puritanical in origin, but it can be resisted.

    By the time my daughter was old enough to date, she had had enough modeling by example from my wife and me to be confident and assertive and comfortable in her own skin, and she didn’t take any shit from boys who didn’t respect her. She didn’t need me to “protect her” from her male friends when they came ot visit.

    The idea of grilling or threatening or bullying those boys, or otherwise give them a hard time for wanting to be around my daughter–what a weird custom. She chose her friends–why would I want to make them feel threatened for wanting to be near her, when she also wanted to be near them?

    When she was old enough to be sexually active, she had non-judgemental access to birth control and a safe place to be alone with her chosen partner. Her mother and I refused to be hypocrites–pretending that she was some pure snowflake, forcing her to sneak around and look for sketchy places to have sex like I did when I was a teen.

    If she was in her room with a boy and the door was shut she could count on privacy. She could call for help if needed (though it never happened)–much better than being in the back of a car on some lonely road. I’d rather she was being safe, and living a full and honest life. I refuse to pretend that teen sex is abnormal or immoral, or that a father must guard his daughter’s hymen for her future husband. I’m willing to bet that any husband my daughter would ever choose would not hold those paternalistic views–on the contrary, they would disqualify him with an eye-roll.

  • Deb EJ

    You Sir are awesome. Eleven years ago I gave almost the same speech to my husband when he asked me if we should be OK with our honor student, responsible adult daughter having her one and only boyfriend spend the night. That couple went on to marry and just last year had their first child.

  • Chris Dagostino

    Yeah, that’s the way Joshua Harris wanted it.

    There’s an element of irony here. We as men also suffer from spiritual abuse and Biblical misinterpretations, I spent much of my adult live repressing my God-given sexuality. So I didn’t have THAT on my mind as nearly as often as my male peers.

    God delivered me from that quicksand, but I know I’m only one of millions.