Preparing To Be A Help Meet: Part 2 The Wedding

Preparing To Be A Help Meet: Part 2 The Wedding February 15, 2015
Image by Mel  "A small wedding is hard to pull off with 23 aunts/uncles + 50 first cousins on the bride's side"
Image by Mel
“A small wedding is hard to pull off with 23 aunts/uncles + 50 first cousins on the bride’s side”

by Mel cross posted from her blog When Cows and Kids Collide

Debi gives us a rundown on how she felt about Yetta’s wedding. Yetta is interviewed later in the chapter, but Debi gets her two-cents in first – with plenty of incorrect verb tenses, misspelled words, and floating commas.

Here is what one wise young woman did for her non-stress (sic), joyful wedding.

When I attend (sic) Yetta’s wedding, I was struck with its personal style and sheer simplicity. It was clear that everyone, including the bride and groom, was relaxed and having a good time. The people attending will look back to this wedding and think, “Wasn’t it wonderful? They looked so happy.”

That sounds like a nice wedding. Debi could stop right here….

What a testimony! So Yetta’s wedding was chosen to gain notoriety in the pages of this book.

I don’t think “notoriety” is the right word there. “Fame”, “renown” or “glory” would all be better choices.

Debi’s words to the bride about her observations of the wedding:

Wait. Why does Debi need to give her observations?

“Your wedding was so joyful. I saw several people crying and laughing with absolute delight.”

That’s sweet.

“Even though it was a simple wedding, it had a touch of pure grace.”

That feels a bit back-handed, but Debi always sounds a bit back-handed.

“Your dress was wonderful, so becoming. It was so regal, yet very modest.”
“Often brides dress in such sexy looking gowns no one would think she looks virginal (sic). It is in such poor taste to dress scanty on the most special day of your life. I say, save the sexy for later in the evening, when it will be appreciated (sic). Anyway, it was refreshing to see your choice was one of a born-again believer with fine style.”

Most people say “Oh, your dress looks so pretty!” or “You look so beautiful” without dragging down every other bride they’ve ever met.

“Another thing I liked was that the entire focus was on the bride and groom rather than elaborate flowers, lots of extra people and fancy details. I thought not having a maid of honor or bridesmaids was an excellent idea. Just the bride and groom up front seemed to make the whole affair simply elegant. Plus, I didn’t hear the usual conversation at the reception about the quality of the girl’s (sic) dresses or the nonsense chit-chat of who was the best looking bridesmaid.”


Say what?  I’ve never heard anyone talk about the quality of bridesmaid dresses OR who was the best looking bridesmaid.  Ever.  Everyone I know uses the time to catch up with old friends or family.  

But I’m not Debi.

Well, for the sake of clarity, let’s take a look at Michael Pearl’s memory of his youngest daughter’s wedding.  To me, her wedding sounded like fun time – but it sounds the absolute opposite of what Debi describes.

Say what? I’ve never heard anyone talk about the quality of bridesmaid dresses OR who was the best looking bridesmaid. Ever. Everyone I know uses the time to catch up with old friends or family.

But I’m not Debi.

Well, for the sake of clarity, let’s take a look at Michael Pearl’s memory of his youngest daughter’s wedding. To me, her wedding sounded like fun time – but it sounds the absolute opposite of what Debi describes.

Our last daughter, Shoshanna, 20 years old, has joined the ranks of her married sisters. She is now Shoshanna Easling (husband James). There are weddings, and then there was Shanna’s wedding.

Some called it a production, others an experience they will never forget; everyone said it was the only three-hour wedding they ever attended that they were sorry to see end.

Please let that include the reception because a three-hour ceremony sounds horrific.

Shoshanna was beautiful. But that didn’t help the groom any.

I don’t know what that means.

The groom’s father addressed the wedding attendees, disclosing to them that he had invested in his son, extolling all his skills of mountain climbing and rappelling, airplane piloting, wrestling, martial arts, etc., which no doubt ably prepared him to marry Shanna. It was funny, because it is so true. It took a MAN to win her.

(Thankfully, he’s not much like Mikey-boy. See, Shoshanna wrote a heart-breaking post about coming to terms with a husband who genuinely wants to know her opinion. See, she expected to be a doormat and got a husband who respected her and this caused severe disequilibrium until she rationalized it all.)

She and her friends produced her wedding—an expression of all her dreams come true. Our weddings are never conventional—no two the same, little to nothing of tradition in them. But this one took the prize for originality. None of us knew the agenda, not even the groom and I. And I was so surprised by all that transpired, that I forgot my entire message and ended up speaking only about four lines before we actually pronounced them “man and wife”.

A nearly silent Michael Pearl is an unexpected blessing.

To begin with, it was outdoors at 7:00 in the evening, a cool day in June, situated on the very top of what we in middle Tennessee would call a mountain—actually just a tall ridge overlooking miles and miles of beautiful timberland, lakes, rivers, and pastures—not a house or road in sight. The guests, about 250 in number, sat among the wildflowers scattered about, some under the oak trees, others on the sloping hillside itself with the sun to their backs, looking into the ever changing backdrop of evening colors—a breathtaking panoramic view.

Debi wants simple venues where the bride and groom are the main focus. An outside wedding overlooking a gorgeous nature area doesn’t fit that. Two hundred and fifty guests is a medium to large sized wedding attendance especially since they probably invited at least 300.

James, the groom, and James senior and I stood under an arbor that Shoshanna had made from small trees with vines twisted around them, beautifully and artfully covered with wild flowers. It looked like the forest in which she grew up—something almost medieval.

That arbor sounds beautiful! It also sounds ornate…..

James’ siblings were playing stringed instruments, the violins dominating. It sounded like a cross between Celtic battle music and a love song, nothing that you would ever hear at a church wedding.

A cross between Celtic battle music and a love song gives you….an Irish drinking song! Many of the hymns at our wedding were set to melodies from Irish drinking songs so it really depends on what weddings Mike’s attended.

We waited for fifteen minutes, and still the bride did not come out of her large tent set back in the trees.

Wonder how the guests amused themselves during the 15 minute down-time?

As the sun lowered, a stirring in the forest drew our attention, and there, silently emerging from the dark green of the tree line was a prancing horse being ridden bareback by Elizabeth, Shanna’s best friend and cousin. She came out of the forest like a phantom, her flowing, silky gold gown trailing in the gentle breeze, blending with the clouds behind her, and her long golden hair gracing her shoulders and back. The horse and rider as one glided across the ridge top toward us, and then, picking up speed, she swept past, seeming not to see us, as if we belonged to two different times and dimensions—an apparition, surreal, like something riding out of a story book. Many were now standing to their feet in wonder and awe, watching her silently pass. Ghostlike, she rode under an oak tree and disappeared into the deep foliage beyond.

That sounds lovely! It also includes a bridesmaid and the description of the dress of the bridesmaid. I’m impressed that anyone could ride bareback in a long dress.

The violin music picked up pace as if preparing us for the finale, and we all turned back to the tree line from which the first golden maiden had emerged. At first, we only caught a glimpse of flickering light passing through the deep green, and then out of the woods appeared a white horse carrying Shoshanna, also mounted bareback, her full white dress shimmering with the golden colors of the now-ebbing sunset, and falling across the hips of the prancing horse. Her head was crowned with a wreath of wildflowers, and her face glowed with the wonder and pleasure of the moment—her moment—the epical journey that divides life into two parts. It was magnificent, fabulously magnificent! But she did not slip past us as did the first rider, whose ethereal appearance seemed to have come as a silent announcement. The barefooted bride kicked her horse in the flanks and put him to a gallop, reaching up one hand to secure her crown and then urging the horse again. The only sound was of the hooves pounding the grassy ridge and kicking up sod, accelerating as though there were an urgency to reach a long awaited destination. She raced past the awed assemblage without regarding us, past the groom and the two fathers, and back into the woods where the first rider had disappeared. But then the horse and rider reappeared out of the trees on the far side and circled behind the audience until arriving at the head of the flowered aisle—the path that led to the arbor where the grinning fathers and groom awaited. The rider slid to the ground with the grace and ease of one raised to it. She looked like a gift from heaven, of which Eve would have been jealous. I sensed James starting to bolt—to run to her and scarcely restrained him with a quiet “Just stay here; she will come to you.”

I don’t know who planned this wedding, but someone in the family has a flair for staging things! The wedding has a beautiful setting, timing with natural lighting, dramatic entrances, and magnificent costumes. Her wedding sounded lovely – and the complete opposite of Debi’s “perfect” wedding.

As she reached the head of the aisle, she helped her two old granddaddies to their feet, 80 and 89 years old. Neither one of them are steady on their feet, and she is taller than both, so with one on each side, holding them up, she started down the path to the groom. I was looking into the most radiant face I have ever seen. Her walk and carriage were absolutely regal.

I’m happy she walked down the aisle with anyone besides Mike Pearl. He doesn’t deserve that honor.

When they approached the arbor, I asked, “Who gives this woman in marriage?” The two granddaddies and I said in unison, “We do.”

My church doesn’t give anyone away in marriage, so I find the question embarrassing to Shoshanna. She’s giving herself in marriage.

Shoshanna stepped forward and took the groom’s hand. I think everyone there must have felt as I did, that we were looking in on something very private and wonderful. I had a good and long message ready, but suddenly I felt like the tour guide at Niagara Falls or the Grand Canyon: No one wanted to listen to me. So, within three minutes, after an exchange of vows and rings, we two fathers pronounced them man and wife. James’ granddaddy brought forward the marriage contract and the glowing couple signed it in the presence of all. Then the parents and grandparents all signed the covenant of marriage.

Were the parents and grandparents acting as witnesses or is this a multi-generational marriage contract? (Side note: They aren’t legally married by the government because Mike is a raging homophobic jerk who doesn’t want his children sullied by sharing a licence with married homosexual couple. Charming, isn’t he?)

After kissing…and kissing…and…you get the idea, the two of them rushed back down the aisle to their waiting steed. They mounted together. This time she was folded in his arms and they rode out before us against the now crimson sky. At that point, all I could think about was, “Don’t fall off the horse! What could be worse than a slipped disk on your wedding night?”

Off the top of my head……

Being on the receiving end of Mike Pearl’s attempts to out ejaculate his friend on his wedding night would be worse than a slipped disk. Much worse.

But they stopped some distance from us, and there, still mounted on their charger and silhouetted against the dimly glowing sky, they kissed again.
But the celebration was just starting. As the light from the many lamps began to replace the fading sun, we could smell the barbeque cooking. After we had all eaten, there was a pie auction with a real auctioneer. Everyone got into it. Some of the young guys paid as much as $95.00 for a blueberry pie. They raised several hundred dollars to help pay for the honeymoon.

I’d pay that much for a good pie. 🙂

After the cake cutting and more picture taking, when we all thought it was all over, Shoshanna persuaded James to sing a love song to her while she slowly danced around him. Now, you know we don’t believe in dancing, as is commonly done at weddings, but this was beautiful. After James was well salivated, she reached up and passionately threw her flowered crown from her head.

I like dancing at weddings – but since the Pearls are anti-everything, I find it hypocritical that Shoshanna dancing at her wedding – in a sexual manner! – is wonderful while wearing a dress without sleeves makes anyone else a slut.

Hand in hand they ran across the hill to their waiting…no, not steed…car this time. And away they drove. We all stood there as if we did not want it to end. And it hasn’t. They are now back from their honeymoon, glowing all around us, a wonderful couple of good-for-nothing newlyweds. And me, I am already waiting for more grandkids.
That is now the last of my girls, all well married. What a blessing! What a joy! If life were any sweeter, I would be a jar of jelly.

I’m glad Shoshanna had a joyful, fun, memorable wedding that expressed her personality. After growing up with her parents, she deserves all the joy she can get.

But unless the elder Pearls have had a massive reversal on their beliefs in wedding protocol, they are raging hypocrites. (Again.)

AntiPearl: The real act of marriage takes place in the heart, not in the ballroom or church or synagogue. It’s a choice you make – not just on your wedding day, but over and over again – and that choice is reflected in the way you treat your husband or wife.
Barbara de Angelis


Preparing To Be A Help Meet Review

Introduction | Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 |Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | 

Part 7 |  Part 8 | Part 9 | Part 10 | Part 11 | Part 12 | Part 13

Part 14 | Part 15 | Part 16 | Part 17 | Part 18 | Part 19Part 20

Part 21 | Part 22 | Part 23 | Part 24 | Part 25 |Part 26 | Part 27

Part 28 | Part 29 | Part 30 | Part 31 | Part 32 | Part 33 |Part 34

Part 35 | Part 36 | Part 37 | Part 38 | Part 39 | Part 40 | Part 41

Part 42 | Part 43 | Part 44 | Part 45 | Part 46 | Part 47 |Part 48

Part 49 | Part 50 | Part 51 | Part 52 | Part 53 | Part 54 |Part 55

Part 56 | Part 57 | Part 58 | Part 59 | Part 60 | Part 61 | Part 62

Read everything by Mel!

Mel is a science teacher who works with at-risk teens and lives on a dairy farm with her husband. She’s a wise fount of knowledge about things involving living with a farmer and farming. She blogs at When Cows and Kids Collide

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  • Nea

    Ordinarily I’d start counting the hypocrisies, but I’m distracted by the mechanics of having planned an elaborate shindig of a wedding and reception apparently without knowing how much there would be to even spend on a honeymoon without chiseling it out of the reception guests. What would happen to the couple if some young man hadn’t ludicrously overpaid for a pie? If no one had? What was their backup plan?

    Also, all that bareback galloping was extremely dangerous; it’s a sad thing when Mikey Pearl is the voice of reason — although I did notice that he wasn’t worried about his supposedly beloved baby girl breaking her neck, but of hurting herself too much to live up to the public cock-tease that had her husband “well salivated.”

  • persephone

    Thoughts as I read:
    1. Debi lives to throw shade.
    2. Obvs, Whatever the Pearls do is okay by God because they’re just so darn holy.
    3. The Pearls are just as inherently Pagan as the rest of those dwelling in hollers and hills.
    4. Old joke: Why don’t Baptists have sex standing up? They don’t want people to think they’re dancing.
    5. If hypocrisy could kill, the Pearls would have been dead on their honeymoon.
    6. Honeymoons were a Pagan invention.
    7. What was in the marriage contract?
    8. If I ever meet the Pearls, I would either punch them or start laughing so hard I’d pass out.
    9. So which Pearl kid is most likely to do a tell -all?
    10. Are the kids breeding like rabbits?
    11. Debi has a secret wardrobe where she keeps her hair styling tools, makeup, and expensive clothes, and she dresses up and sneaks out when they’re in cities on speaking engagements, goes to gay bars, and hangs out with drag queens.*

    * How I wish this were true.

  • persephone

    OMG, just found a picture of Shoshanna online in a red.dress. What a hussy!

  • Anonyme

    “Often brides dress in such sexy looking gowns no one would think she looks virginal”

    Ah, the sweet sound of blanket judgment.

    “I say, save the sexy for later in the evening, when it will be appreciated”

    She’s a woman, not dessert, Debi.

    ‘Please let that include the reception because a three-hour ceremony sounds horrific’

    I’m from a Catholic family. Wedding *Masses* are usually two hours long by themselves.The last of my four older siblings is getting married at the end of this year. I get tired just thinking about it.

    ” I felt like the tour guide at Niagara Falls or the Grand Canyon”

    And I feel like pushing you into Niagara Falls or the Grand Canyon, Mr. Pearl. >:)

    “Don’t fall off the horse! What could be worse than a slipped disk on your wedding night?”

    As a former (recreational) rider, I can tell you that a LOT worse can happen if you’re riding in inappropriate attire and not wearing a helmet. I’ve never been injured when riding, but one of my riding instructors was thrown so badly that she took several months to recover, and it took her a long time to get over the resulting fear.

  • KarenH

    And now I can’t get the picture of how my cousin found out his wife was planning to divorce him–she hired someone to bring a horse to their house–while his whole family was there and she “rode off into the sunset” on it.

    Shoshanna’s wedding would have had my entire family rolling in the aisles 🙂

    Also? The melodrama is …. twee.

  • Nea

    My riding instructor was found in a field one day with her unhelmeted head resting on a rock. She was triply lucky, having not died, or been paralyzed, and finally relearning to dress and feed herself.

  • Rachel

    #4 – I had never heard that before! Thanks for the laugh!

  • Joy

    Wait. Marriage contract? Covenant of marriage? What is in those documents?

  • Mel

    I’m Catholic; my husband is a member of the Reformed Church of America so I got a wedding without a Mass attached.
    *Fist pumps*
    My family is generally pretty good at keeping weddings under 90 minutes even with a Mass – but I went to a friend’s wedding that was 2 hours 26 minutes before the groom and bride went from pew to pew greeting people afterwards.

    Yeah, I’m quite nervous around horses. I live around dairy cows – but farmers breed dairy cows for placid temperament not “spirited” nature. Oh, cows only have bottom teeth in front so biting isn’t a problem. My MIL raised a few steers from calves that she could ride bareback, but a steer is the equivalent of a giant slug in terms of excitement and she could never get them to move faster than a slow walk.

  • Mel

    My reading was that he was never worried about Shoshanna. I took it as him being worried about the groom falling off and being unable to have sex that night.

  • Nea

    God forbid hubby not get it up that night!

    All of this pageantry, and yet we know for a fact that “Shanna” was very upset that the guy Mikey called a “MAN” in all caps was not what she considered to be manly. How well did she know this guy?

  • Petticoat Philosopher

    Now, you know we don’t believe in dancing, as is commonly done at weddings, but this was beautiful. After James was well salivated, she reached up and passionately threw her flowered crown from her head.

    Okay, I like sexy wedding gowns, I like physical affection between couples, I don’t give a shit if the bride is virginal at her wedding (it’s probably better for her if she isn’t, in fact). You get the idea, I’m about as anti-Pearl prudery as it gets. So it’s ironic that the super-pure Christian Pearl wedding sounds like it would be pretty damn uncomfortable at times. Having to watch a newly-wed bride do a solo erotic dance while the groom gets all hot and bothered, not to mention all of the “kissing…and kissing…and you get the idea” that’s described sounds super awkward for everyone and kind of inappropriate. Sure kiss and dance and be lovey-dovey, that’s sweet. But swallowing each other’s faces and engaging in light foreplay in front of an audience? Sorry, that seems to me like the kind of sexy that is best saved for later in the evening, not a little cleavage or bare shoulders. Sheesh.

  • Mel

    Based on what I’ve been cobbling together from the Pearl’s website and some of extras in “Preparing”, Shiloh had a very short engagement so I can’t imagine Shanna’s was longer. Shiloh went from single to engaged within a single growing season which is at most 4 months. I’m planning on linking that little tidbit in during either this chapter or the next “Courtship is great! Here’s a boring or terrifying story!”

  • Mel

    The only time I get annoyed about wedding dresses is when my conservative female friends who make big fusses about how people should keep more of their body covered at all times AND especially at church wear a wedding dress with visible cleavage and a deeply cut back for their wedding – then post more articles about how showing skin is disrespectful at church….. hypocrisy gets me worked up.

  • Astrin Ymris

    I pretty much take it as read that any Pearl story has a tenuous relationship with reality– especially if they involve riding bareback in long formal dresses.

    Riding sidesaddle safely requires a special kind of saddle– and a horse trained to accept it. I can’t imagine you could even stay ON a horse in a slippery formal dress bareback in the sidesaddle position. Even if you assume that Shoshanna and her unnamed bridesmaid rode daringly astride– possible, but difficult to manage through all that athletic riding– real horses shed and sweat, which tends to have a negative effect on expensive WHITE wedding finery.

    I’m inclined to view this story as pure fantasy on Michael’s part… fantasy which reveals a disturbingly sexual awareness of his daughter, especially in that “salivating” dancing.

  • Anonyme

    Soshanna’s wedding actually sounds really special and meaningful, aside from the rather risky riding helmet-less, bareback, on a horse in (what I assume were) dress shoes. I think I would’ve liked being a bridesmaid at that kind of ceremony. My sister made me Maid of Honor for her wedding a few years ago, which I though was really sweet, but really tested my love for my sister. 😛 The bridesmaid dresses were short satin numbers with spaghetti straps, and the wedding was on a breezy 35*F day in January. Most of the photography was outdoors. Fun times.

  • Allison the Great

    Michael might have a secret wardrobe, too.

  • Allison the Great

    How long is a Catholic wedding without Mass?

  • Nea

    4 months is long enough to know if he’ll ask you what you want for dinner — unless he’s trying to impress Mikey. I have a feeling that considering Mikey’s emphasis on being a MAN and selling his daughter to a MAN with MANLY qualities, there might have been a little hiding of the less chest-pounding parts of his personality.

  • Nightshade

    The only time I care at all whether a bride is a virgin is when someone makes a big deal out of it. Then I start wondering.

  • Joy

    Oh the Photoshop possibilities…

  • Joy

    Keeping in mind I know nothing about horse riding….

    Could they have ridden astride, without a saddle but with some sort of blanket underneath them? Maybe Pearl considers bareback riding to be anything without a saddle?

  • Joy

    This makes be thankful I’ve never been a bridesmaid!

  • Mel

    It really depends on the couple, but between 45 minutes-60 minutes.

    You’ve got the entrance processional, a welcome/introduction from the celebrant, three Bible readings (you get a booklet of choices; we went with the part of Genesis 2 with Adam and Eve; Psalm 103; and the Beatitudes from Luke), sermon, statement of intent, consent and exchange of vows, exchange of rings (if customary in the culture), general intercessions, nuptial blessing, praying the Lord’s Prayer and the dismissal.

    It sounds like a lot, but most of the parts are less than 5 minutes. (The statement of intent, consent+exchange of vows and exchange of rings takes about 5 minutes total.)

    Weddings get long if the couple starts tacking on extra cultural rituals (unity candles, dropping flowers off by Mary and/or assorted other syncretized fertility rituals OR the priest decides to deliver a long, long sermon OR the couple picks the longest possible readings and prayers for each option in a Wedding Mass. That 2.5 hour wedding had ALL of them. Every freaking one plus we had to watch each of the bridal party exchange the Sign of Peace (shake hands or hug) the bride and groom. THERE WERE 16 ATTENDANTS.)

  • There’s a picture of what I assume to be their departure from the wedding at the Pearls’ blog. I’m not sure whether the standard procedure is to link directly or not, so I made a DoNotLink link for the page:

  • Mel

    We got married mid-summer so I wanted to be sure the bridesmaids would have a nice lightweight dress. Since my attendants lived all over the US and ranged in age from 30 to 14, I found a cute cotton dress at David’s Bridal that one of my cousins wore at another wedding that looked mature enough for the adult women without being too over-the-top for the two teenagers. Each woman wore a different color (their favorite color 🙂 ).

    After the ceremony, one of my cousins came up and started apologizing profusely. She was wearing the exact same dress as the bridesmaids. I laughed and laughed and told her that having her wear that dress made me happy to see that the dresses could be used again easily!

  • Mel

    Yikes! That’s scary when you see it. And, yet again, Mike’s story doesn’t match – Shoshanna is not folded in James’ arms or even close to it….although you could argue that James is folded in her arms.

  • Astrin Ymris

    I don’t know how to ride, but I did do some research on riding sidesaddle/riding in a long dress in regards to alternative history. It’s possible, but the first tribes of horseriding nomads invented trousers for a reason!

    Blankets– even if they’re the strap-on kind– pose a risk of slipping under the rider. Of course, a man who’s indifferent to the risk of riding without a helmet might not be bothered by that.

    Mind you, that’s not the only reason I doubt the story. The whole “feel” of it is wrong. Do you really think Michael would endorse such a free-spirited wedding for Shanna? Or the bride and groom making out in front of the guests?

    I think he made it up to “prove” how uncowed his trained-up kids were, or how hot “modest” sex was, or that courtships DON’T result in couples who are awkward with each other once the clamps on their sexuality have been released. Or maybe something else. Who knows?

  • Astrin Ymris

    Nor is it evening, as Michael states in his story.

  • Allison the Great

    I am kind of doubting that this story is real as well.

  • Allison the Great

    Damn, that’s still pretty long.

  • Petticoat Philosopher

    Yeah, since it’s the Pearls, I wouldn’t be surprised if there’s a good amount of fiction in there. But, whether or not it’s true, it just kind of cracks me up that their wedding antics sound a lot more exhibitionist and risque than any that I’ve seen at the “worldly” weddings of the unsaved (who have been previously living in sin, usually!) that I’ve been to. I mean “dancing, as is commonly done at weddings?” What exactly does he imagine that that looks like? I just love how a bride dancing alone around her husband for his apparently obvious-to-onlookers arousal* is “beautiful,” but doing the Electric Slide with your middle-aged aunts is apparently OF SATAN!!! lol

    *of course this could be Michael’s projection due to his, as you point out, disturbingly sexual awareness of his daughter. But the point stands: this sounds quite a bit more racy than any wedding dancing I have ever seen or participated in.

  • Petticoat Philosopher

    Yeah, I have noticed that a lot about fundamentalists. They seem quite keen on advertising the sexuality of newlywed couples in ways that seem rather embarrassing and unseemly to the mind of this unsaved, brazen, fornicating slut. 😛

  • ConcepcionImmaculadaPantalones

    I went on a horseback riding hike/tour-whatever it’s called in one of the local mountain areas, when the horse I was on decided it didn’t feel like continuing and made a sudden turn to gallop full speed with me still on its back – the part when I got *really* worried was when I noticed that my ankle was stuck in the stirrup not my foot, and if I fell off I knew at the very least I’d break the ankle if not other bones too. The saddle started to slip to that side and I was barely holding on when we got back to the closed corral gate and a sudden stop. It was one of those things that sticks with you even when you manage to avoid injuries beyond a few bruises to body and pride.

  • ConcepcionImmaculadaPantalones

    The terms of surrender and reassignment of territories.

  • Nea

    Judging from experience at the Renaissance festivals, hike up the skirt and ride astride – perfectly safe up to a very gentle canter if the rider’s experienced. A full skirt will cover the horse’s rump like he described.

    Mind you, that position shows a LOT of leg. And the horse sweat isn’t just going to (eventually) yellow the dress, it’s going immediately make the bride’s nethers smell of horse.

  • Nea

    Or the bride and groom making out in front of the guests?

    THAT part I can easily believe. Look at how the Duggars treat their children: “Sex! Sex is fun! Look at all the sex your parents have! We’ll even dry hump in front of you because Sex! But don’t you dare, dare, DARE, DAAAAAAAAAARE touch each other! Just think about sex! Sexy sexy sexy seeeeeeeeeeeeeex! You’re finally going to get some!”

    The Duggar daughter courtships are one long tease of both future bride and groom with their own frustrations turned up past boiling point because they’re not allowed to either deal with their own hormones or touch each other in even the most innocent of ways without it being sexualized.

    So I’m frankly more surprised that more of the kids don’t start making out in front of the guests. Their parents have basically primed them to leap on each other like rutting weasels on viagra and worry about things like personal compatibility later.

  • Nea

    Not just unseemly, but flat out creeptastic, considering how invested *parents* are in seeing their child’s first kiss at the altar.

  • Nea

    Gallop my ass. Looking at the horse’s legs it’s unmistakeably a trot, and seeing how their hair is barely moving, a slow trot at that. Well, at least experienced riders shouldn’t have a bad fall from that.

    Solves the question of her riding position, though, at least on the way out. She’d’ve never been able to hold that position without someone/something to hold onto previously, though, even at a slow trot. A slow *walk* at best. On re-examining the picture, what I thought was her other leg is a fold of the gown. So yes – astride, with skirts hiked up. She must have been barely able to walk in that gown if it was long enough to cover her legs while she rides astride.

    Mikey Pearl lied through his teeth to make something his family did sound 1000x more impressive than it actually was in reality. Color me unsurprised.

  • Nea

    SO many upvotes!

  • Astrin Ymris

    I was going to mention the “modesty factor”, but in searching images I found this story about a young woman who managed riding in a full-length dress of her own design without showing more leg than is visible in a Modestwear bathing suit. You do see the edge of the leggings she’s wearing underneath in one shot.

    The “immediately making the bride’s nethers smell of horse” problem is another issue entirely. That doesn’t sound like something that would be desirable on one’s wedding night. Would ordinary bathing be enough to resolve the difficulty?

  • Allison the Great

    The same thing happened to me, well kind of. I was about 12 and my parents and I had taken a vacation and I had been put on a horse that was way too big (I was like 4’3, just tiny tiny, I still am, I only made it to 5’1) anyway, the horse got spooked and went into a full gallop. I started slipping in the saddle and at one point I was riding it sideways. Then I fell off but unfortunately I fell to where the horse stepped on my left knee. I had to have 2 surgeries on that were one week apart and I had to be in a wheelchair for three months, because I had pins sticking out of both sides of my knee. I didn’t start school that year until right before Christmas break. I tutoring service come over to my house a couple of times a week. I actually loved that part of it, haha.

  • ConcepcionImmaculadaPantalones

    Oh crap that sounds like it was painful! And not just in the pride sense like my situation mostly was. 😛 The friend I was with made the suggestion that it bolted because I’d commented on how slow it was, and therefore felt obligated to demonstrate otherwise – after the experience it wasn’t important to worry about facts important to reality so we both laughed and went on with the day, once I’d gotten a different horse that is.

  • ConcepcionImmaculadaPantalones

    …I’m going to need more of those if I intend to break the internet!

  • At least there really was a horse . . .?

  • Nea


  • Nea

    *amused snort* True, that.

  • Gypsy Rose B

    I got the jibblies from his description of the groom as “well salivated”. That is just gross. All of the focus on the impending de-virginizing of his daughter…ew.

    My father has never once acknowledged that I might have an intimate relationship with my bf of 6+ years, and we’re both happy to keep it that way.

  • Saraquill

    I guess straddling a broom handle with a construction paper horse head would be too sexual for the Pearls?

  • Astrin Ymris

    Assuming that’s not a stock photo, that is.

  • Allison the Great

    I like to think that my house was just a giant asshole.

  • Mel

    Yes, because Shanna is one of his “favorite” kids and so is a golden child. She can do no wrong. Compare the amount of coverage on No Greater Joy of her engagement wedding and marriage to Shiloh (who is Debi’s favorite) or Rebekah who neither of her parents gives a shit about.

  • BlueVibe

    I think it could work if the skirt were big enough, but it would have to be a double- or triple-circle, like the baile folklorico skirts, to have enough circumference to manage it. I assume you’d sit on part of the skirt? But it can’t be easy to arrange, and you’d have to make sure ahead of time that the horse was cool with it.

    This all sounds like a Ren Faire acid trip to me, though.

  • mayarend

    Will NO ONE point the expression ” rutting weasels on viagra” ?? XD