Quoting Quiverfull: Being Faithful For Your Future Husband?

Quoting Quiverfull: Being Faithful For Your Future Husband? February 17, 2015

quotingquiverfullby Bethany Baird from Girl Defined – Being Faithful to a Man You’ve Never Met

Editor’s note: One of the big things impressed upon girls in Quiverfull and the Christian Patriarch Movement is staying ‘pure’ in every way for some future husband supposedly out there waiting for you. I have noticed that similar pressure to conform is almost never placed upon the young males in this movement. Why is that?

Am I really being faithful to my future husband? If he were to find me now, would he find me waiting faithfully? Would your future husband find you waiting faithfully? In your actions? In your thoughts? In the way you interact with other guys? Learning how to honor your future husband now, will only make it that much easier after you are married. What a blessing and a gift to bring into marriage. Faithfulness.

I want to encourage each one of you to stop. Pray that you can be a faithful woman to God. Pray that you’ll be a faithful woman to your future husband. Pray that you can honor him even before you know who he is. Pray that you will live in a way that shows you are being faithful to the one man God has for you.

I would encourage you to play the song again. Close your eyes and make it your prayer.

Questions to consider…

  • Do you pray for your future husband? What specific things do you pray for? I started praying for mine many many years ago. You can watch my video on “Praying For Your Future Husband” or you can read the blog post here. 

  • In what ways are you not being faithful to your future husband? If he were to find you now, would he feel honored by your thoughts and actions?

 

QUOTING QUIVERFULL is a regular feature of NLQ – we present the actual words of noted Quiverfull leaders and ask our readers: What do you think? Agree? Disagree? This is the place to state your opinion. Please, let’s keep it respectful – but at the same time, we encourage readers to examine the ideas of Quiverfull and Spiritual Abuse honestly and thoughtfully.

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NLQ Recommended Reading …

Quiverfull: Inside the Christian Patriarchy Movement by Kathryn Joyce

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What Are Your Thoughts?leave a comment
  • Nea

    There is not one damn bit of different between praying and waiting for a man you’ve never met (and may never meet!) than praying and waiting for the teen heartthrob or cartoon prince of your choice to notice you. NONE.

    In fact, you’re probably better off saving yourself in the hopes of Benedict Cumberbatch discovering you and leaving his new wife for you. You’re not hurting him (or her) and you’re not going to assume that John Q Random Praysright is destined to be your Prince Charming and overlook 1000 red flags because of it.

  • BlueVibe

    Whatever future husband I may have has taken way too long in getting here, so he’d better not complain about the state in which he finally finds me.

  • SAO

    Dating and learning about what makes for a successful relationship is the best way to get ready for a successful marriage. Carefully avoiding any growth or insight into how adult relationships work is not.

    I personally feel that figuring out what turns you on in bed is a part of this, but you can date without the sex, too.

  • Nightshade

    I have entirely left my past way of life behind, including religion, and this way of thinking is STILL messing with my head! My partner has, let’s just say much more past experience than I do, and I understand intellectually that it has nothing to do with me, it makes no real difference, and honestly I wouldn’t want to change that because it’s all part of the life experience that makes him the wonderful person he is today. But…it still occasionally bothers me. Not much, and not often, but that little trace of past indoctrination is still there, and I hate it!!!

  • I think the point of praying for her future husband is to keep a young woman feeling like she is doing something while waiting for her dad to pick out her Mr. Right. In the secular world, women and men who despair of finding romance are told to find a job, hobbies, and volunteer work that interests them that they would do for its own sake and build a life that doesn’t need a partner, but gives them the opportunity to meet people with their interests. If you live in a world that expects you to live under your father’s roof until you move to your husband’s, that thinks that a paid job out in the world might as well be prostitution, that certainly means being homeschooled and may even involve home church, you can’t do any of that. So giving busy work advice, like learn to bake the best apple pie ever, and pray for Future Dude, is supposed to make the young woman feel like there is some action she can take, and keep her from noticing, no, she’s pretty much stuck in the role of servant unless somehow a man comes along and finds her.

  • Astrin Ymris

    Well, to be fair she’s advised to volunteer for various tasks for the Church. She has no right to hobbies or interests that aren’t useful to serving the CPM agenda in some way or another.

    If she does feel any attraction to any pursuit or study outside the box complementarian gender theory decrees for her, then it’s her own sin nature, so she should pray for “contentment”. Heaven knows that the idea that God created her with “unfeminine” aptitudes can’t be considered for even a second! The Patriarchy can’t be doubted.

  • Astrin Ymris

    I suppose if you can “dearly love” undifferentiated stem cells you can also be faithful to a “future husband”.

    http://www.nogreaterjoymom.com/2015/02/the-lord-builds-a-house/

  • Olivia

    I have never understood this particular delusion. What happens before you has nothing to do with you. You choose the person you love based on everything about them, including their past. I understand the jealousy and the questions. I may have done some light Facebook stalking to compare myself to my husband’s exes. But I always knew that was my problem for being irrational. And I learned to let it go around the same time as I learned to really trust my husband who was my boyfriend at the time.
    I was reading a blog the other day written by a girl who is basically trying to maintain all of the fundamentalist purity culture nonsense, while also putting the “cool” in it by being honest about sexual things. She kept reiterating how we should embrace ourselves as sexual beings while also staying pure by not fantasizing, masturbating, flirting, dressing immodestly, or messing around with a guy outside of marriage. In fact she is writing a entire book about it. But that is an impossible paradox, sorry. They just throw around the word “pure” like it is this all encompassing virtue when in reality they don’t even know what it means outside of sexual repression. Maybe I don’t really know what “pure” is supposed to mean either, the diffence is, it doesn’t matter to me.
    I flirted, dressed to be noticed by men, had a couple of relationships, and even fell in love, all before I met my husband. I don’t regret them. I in no way feel they sullied our relationship. In fact, if it hadn’t been for all of these different moments I would have never seriously dated my husband. I liked the big flirty player types. When I met my sentimental, kind, no drama husband I was also being pursued by a big bad player type. There isn’t a doubt in my mind if I had been staying “pure” up until then I absolutely wouldn’t have chose my husband in that scenario. In other, extremely cheesy words, “God bless the broken road that led me straight to you”. (Not that it felt that broken to me, but to the purity culture types it definitely was.) I know a lot of people in this crowd who never seem all that excited by the men they ended up with, and I can’t help but wonder if they had allowed themselves to date and see what else there is out there who they would have ended up with and how much happier they would have been.

  • Olivia

    The comment box never fully shows just how long my comments are actually going t o be until I hit post. Sorry!

  • Mel

    Keep talking about it – here or wherever you feel safe. Much better out than in.

    I was a virgin when I married and my husband had had previous sexual relationships in serious relationships. My husband has always treated me lovingly and with respect, so I know that he treated those women lovingly and respectfully as well. I learned from my family and my church that not having sex before marriage was about me and God – it had nothing to do with my future husband nor did any decision my husband made have anything to do with me. (I also picked up subconsciously that the choice about sexual activity was not terribly important compared to, say, not killing people or hurting the poor.)

    I had a different reaction in that I was worried that I’d be completely clueless (and hopeless) in bed. So I read a lot of Cosmo…..and things have worked out very well for both of us 🙂

  • Mel

    Yup. I know my husband’s minor flaws pale in comparison to some of my previous relationships….

  • Friend

    If you click the Girl Defined link, and click to her earlier blog posting, you’ll find “Disclaimer: God does call a small number of women to remain single. That is not His plan for the majority though. Most girls do end up getting married and I am writing to them.”

    Uh, exactly when are the girls supposed to hear God’s call to stay single?

    I actually think the idea of waiting till marriage is kind of sweet. However, kids reach sexual maturity much earlier than they did in previous centuries. So what do we want them to do—marry at age thirteen to guarantee virginity, or wait until their emotional maturity catches up with their hormones? The latter implies that they will need to develop some insight and learn to accept themselves. Not easy when the Purity Movement replaces flesh-and-blood reality.

  • Lisa Cybergirl

    I laughed out loud – sadly, Cumberbatch seems to be too in love with his new bride to leave her for 54-year-old me!

  • My husband hadn’t had any relationships before we started dating and I got reminded of that almost on the daily. He’d never kissed before me. He’d never dated before me. He was constantly tormented by reminders that I’d been involved with guys before him… it was never ending.
    .
    If I had it to do all over again? No way in HELL would I want anything to do with someone who *hadn’t* had at least one other romantic relationship before me. Ideally, they’d have learned when to pull the plug on a relationship that wasn’t gonna last. Not, at least, as a long-term thing. Not with *marriage* as an end-goal. Having fun and being friends? Maybe. But never again am I going to be shamed for having *existed* before I met someone.

  • Aimee Shulman

    Truth. I spent YEARS being completely miserable (throughout my entire adolescence/early adulthood) because I grew up in churches that taught that it was literally SINFUL for a woman to a) not either be naturally meek and submissive, or force herself to be meek and submissive; and/or b) have or want to have a job outside the home after marriage. I’m pretty much the least submissive person ever and I ALWAYS wanted a career, whether or not I married. I’m a very bad liar so I couldn’t help but show the fact I wasn’t a submissive future baby factory, which didn’t exactly make me Miss Popular among my peers – hard to make friends if you have nothing in common and they think you’re crazy. I genuinely believed that there was a defect in my brain that was causing me to be “an abnormal woman.” I was about 20 when I finally discovered that there were women out there who were both Christian AND had personalities/life goals like mine, and about 23 when I finally found that there were churches that didn’t see anything wrong with that. Interestingly, my parents now attend a small church that split off from the PSYCHO abusive “church” that they used to belong to, and even though most of the women there are traditional homemakers who acted like they believed all that stuff back when they were stuck at the psycho “church,” they (and the men) are all totally cool with women like me now. Makes me wonder how many other people are out there just going with the flow when they wouldn’t espouse those views if they weren’t being intimidated into it.

  • Aimee Shulman

    ah yes the good* old-fashioned** ~guarding your heart~ bullshit. How much COMPLETELY UNNECESSARY emotional pain that idiotic notion gave me back when I used to buy into it (having, after all, been taught to) and would fret and stress over whether I might be sinning by having teenage crushes on boys who might not turn out to be my future husband. It’s so incredibly ridiculous! And if you take it to its logical conclusion, you aren’t allowed to form an emotional attachment until AFTER you are engaged, because if you break up before that then he obviously wasn’t your destined husband after all.

    *not really

    **also not really as I’ve not seen this in any book from before, like, the early 1990s

  • I have noticed that similar pressure to conform is almost never placed upon the young males in this movement. Why is that?

    Not having grown up in quite as strict of a Christian household (I was allowed to date and have relationships but sex before marriage was strictly verboten), I have always wondered about boys and young men in fundamental households. How sexually free are they allowed to be and are they as regulated as girls and young women?

    Basically, can someone explain purity culture in respect to men and boys?

    I may edit this as more questions arise.

  • Astrin Ymris

    Keeping the doubters intimidated into silence is an important tool for high demand religious groups. So is keeping the flock feeling that “everyone else is fine with this, so if I’m not, there must be something wrong with me

    I’m so glad you’re out of that group now!

  • persephone

    What?! I’m never going to be Mrs. Hiddleston?! Nooooooooooooooooooooo!!! *sobs*

  • I’ve been told this most of my life. For those of us who have had so many misadventures, and so many heart-breaks, a comment like that is like a knife in the heart – just plain vicious – that some of us have been called to be alone. No, we were just stupid enough…. On the other hand, I was smart enough to finally figure out that three of the guys I was either engaged too, or getting that way, were too controlling and possibly abusers. It hurt, but I walked away. Okay, one hurt him far more than it hurt me, trust me.

    On the other hand, if you believe in prayer, like I do, praying for something can’t possibly hurt. Right now, the real life, flesh & blood reality is I’m too tired, too busy, and too involved with family sh^t to even consider even thinking about a relationship. You start something when you’re at the place where I currently am, and there’s already two strikes against it.

  • Same thing here. My mother did tell my sister and I if we came home pregnant she was going to kill us. Then she went through the diatribe about how disappointed our grandfather would be – and so forth and so on. We believed her. Years later we asked why she did that. She said she figured we knew she would do anything possible to help us. My sister and I both told her we figured we would be in such trouble…so maybe some threats do work.

    Then… our little miracle was born nearly 27 months ago, and all those stories about making sure you were married no longer exist. Instead, we have this amazing little creature who already has made the connection between chocolate, shoes and her own psychological well-being.

    Funny thing there. Godly Christian families and godly Christian young women are condemned if they end up in that situation. Maybe, though, things work the way they should. We truly realized Catie was on the way just about the time we also realized what we were dealing with with my father’s Alzheimer’s. A precious little light was turned on in our family darkness. I swear she’s the only think keeping my mother alive today.

  • I was told that if I ever came home pregnant, I’d be sent to a “home for unwed mothers” (I don’t even know if such places existed in the 80s when I was a teen.) It didn’t stop me from having sex and actually led to some very powerful abandonment issues. I eventually DID become pregnant at 16 and had an abortion–which I never disclosed. I wish my mother would have not been so closed off about talking realistically about sex–it led to my being very stupid regarding birth control.

  • The only ‘talk’ my mother ever gave my sister and I was the if you come home pregnant, I’ll kill you. For everything else, she gave us one of those little booklets and told her to go talk to her best friend, who was a nurse. That was the extent of any discussion about sex, until years later when she laughed at us for believing her. She even figured out a way to get out of the tampon debate, by getting her younger sister to do it. Her excuse? She’d already had a hysterectomy. We both knew she was just pawning it off on someone else, which was fine.

    How did you handle the abortion and dealing with family – may I ask?

  • Nea

    The best apple pie ever STILL won’t taste like his mama’s….

  • Nightshade

    Thanks! 🙂

    Among other things I sometimes wonder how I compare to the other women he had sex with earlier in his life, thinking there is no way with my limited experience that I can possibly be better than them. Then I remind myself that he’s with me, not one of them, and there’s a heck of a lot more to what we have than that!

  • Nightshade

    No one should be shamed for their past that way, and it pisses me off to no end that it keeps happening. It helps no one, and ends up hurting all of us.

  • Friend

    I’ve been thinking about your words since early this morning.

    A medical regimen forces me to take frequent, lengthy quiet time. I have come to pray more, if only because it’s hard to do anything else. Prayer has helped me to accept hardship, uncertainty, and loss–as well as joy, which can be difficult to keep in perspective and use as fuel in tough times. How much of prayer is just me talking to me? I don’t know where I stop and God begins, but that boundary is also blurred in the best of our loving relationships with family and friends. When I look into my child’s eyes, I don’t know where I stop and he begins. We share a galaxy.

  • In his defense, eventually he stopped, but some damage, done early enough, simply cannot go away with an apology. Especially when I know that it still *bothers* him that there are things I once did that I don’t want to ever do again.

  • I think maybe some of this is just good therapy. I was thinking the same thing today. I’ve wondered if, maybe going to confession is as good as going to a therapist. My grandmother had a trivet collection at her summer house. One of them read “Prayer changes things.” Yes, it does, but maybe the change is also inside of us.

  • Friend

    Agreed. Why should prayer not affect body, mind, and spirit? Quiet time steadies me, making me less likely to get all animated about things. One of my favorite prayers, from the Book of Common Prayer (Episcopal) touches on some of this. It’s a morning prayer for people who are sick, but it applies to other circumstances as well:

    “This is another day, O Lord. I know not what it will bring forth, but make me ready, Lord, for whatever it may be. If I am to stand up, help me to stand bravely. If I am to sit still, help me to sit quietly. If I am to lie low, help me to do it patiently. And if I am to do nothing, let me do it gallantly. Make these words more than words, and give me the Spirit of Jesus. Amen.”

  • I know the prayer, well. Strangely, enough. My favorite is the post Eucharist prayer.

  • Chris Dagostino

    She laughed at you?! Sounds like she had no business being a parent.

  • Chris Dagostino

    It’s actually worse for boys in some ways, not the least of which is the issue of Thought Crime. The parents and teachers in these cases urge young men to repress their natural sexual thoughts and desires, based on a common misinterpretation of Christ’s words about lust in the fifth Book of Matthew, and since adolescence is a period where those urges come fast and furious for boys, many of them become stunted and bitter.

  • I appreciate your comment but I must add that teenage girls have the same degree of sexual urges as their male counterparts.

  • Chris Dagostino

    I know there are some women who have higher libidos than their male counterparts, but collectively, as a whole, teenaged males are “hornier” than their female counterparts. And men are stimulated through sight and thought, which makes the Purity Movement’s demand for the mentality of a monk in a monastery all but impossible when your mindset is more akin to that of Bill O’Reilly in a Bed, Bath & Beyond.

  • Men are not “hornier” than women. That is a myth as is the whole “men are more visual” trope. Read, “What Do Women Want?: Adventures in the Science of Female Desire” by Daniel Bergner (2013) for starters.

  • That’s a nasty thing to say. You don’t know her – or her sense of humor. Looking back on it, i think it was funny.

  • Chris Dagostino

    I apologize. I took your comment to mean that she was abusive.

  • Sorry for being so short. I started thinking about it, and was going to do an addendum. The reason she always joked about it was because she and my father had a bad habit of taking in or helping pregnant teens, paying for doctors, babies, getting homes for babies, and doing everything possible to help girls who were in trouble. She told my sister and I that she thought we realized, by their example they would do everything possible to help us. Their best friends did the same. He was the head of the local hospital and a doctor. He’d call my father, tell them they had another one. I’d do medical for free if my father would pick up the hospital bill. My mother and his wife would go out, and put an entire layette together. My mother continued doing this until her health made it impossible. I should have explained.