Answering ‘Preparing To Be A Help Meet’ – Holding Hands

Answering ‘Preparing To Be A Help Meet’ – Holding Hands April 8, 2015

AnsweringAnother installment of giving better answers to the questions asked at Debi Pearl’s site message board for the book ‘Preparing To Be A Help Meet’. Many young ladies ask questions on all sorts of different subjects brought up by the book. There was just one big problem, many of the answers stray into either the outright bad and emotionally unhealthy to dangerous. Yes, typical Debi Pearl borderline abusive. Here’s what we’re going to be doing here at NLQ. Every week, once or twice a week, I’ll be posting up one of the questions from the message board and ask you, our readers, to answer that poor soul’s question in a way that is logical, rational and the best possible solution, in other words 180 degree turn from Nancy and friends answers.As always all spelling and grammar in the posting is unchanged from the original author.

Topic: Holding Hands

I am setting guidelines for my courting relationship and I was wondering what y’all’s opinions are about holding hands before youre married… Could you give me a biblical reason on why it is either right or wrong?? I would like to hold hands with my boyfriend and be able to just hold hands and save all  other physical contact for when we are married. Is it possible to do that or should we refrain from holding hands all together??

The lone answer given is wordy and doesn’t really address if holding hands is right or wrong in courtship. What would a better answer be?

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  • Nea

    Well, if you want Biblical guidance, what does the Bible actually SAY about holding hands? Side hugs? Parental monitoring? Or any of the other rituals of courtship, including courtship itself?

    If you can’t figure out what the Bible says on a subject, that’s a pretty good sign somebody made it up and just called it Biblical.

  • Of course it’s possible. It’s also possible to hug, snuggle and kiss him if you want. While I’m assuming you’d prefer to save sex for the wedding night (and that decision is also your choice), there is nothing wrong with showing the person you love some physical affection.
    I know a lot of people (read fundy puritans) will try to warn you about giving away “pieces of your heart” as if it was a block of wood or sheet of paper from which limited amounts could be removed. The truth is we have limitless capacity for love and caring and you don’t have to worry that if this relationship doesn’t work out, it will make you less able to love someone else or worse that you might be somehow “damaged goods”. If anything, the experience will make you stronger, wiser and better able to love than you were before. Don’t be afraid of love, giving or receiving, it is simply the best part of living.

  • Mel

    Honestly, I strongly recommend spending more time being comfortable in your own skin and knowing what characteristics you want in a partner than worrying about holding hands.

  • Jenny Islander

    If you read the Bible from In the Beginning to Amen, you will not find a single word about the morality of holding hands while courting.

    And so?

    That isn’t what the Bible is for. There is no Great Big Checklist of Answers to Every Situation in the Bible. I’m sorry, but there isn’t. What there is includes a lot of examples of moral conduct and loving behavior, which we should study.

    Let’s start at the beginning, shall we? Why do people get married at all? Well, according to Genesis, it’s because people feel drawn to become one flesh. So if you don’t feel the desire to touch your intended, that’s probably not a good sign of his suitability as a spouse! (Note that this may not be holding hands. I ended up with someone who is very affectionate and loving, but can’t stand hand-holding. Such is life.)

    So why place limits on touching? Fornication is spoken against throughout the New Testament. What is fornication? Broadly, it is sex outside the proper boundaries of sex. What exactly this means has varied somewhat over the years, but simple physical affection has seldom if ever been characterized as sexual. Even in the days of Queen Victoria (and the Prince Regent, for that matter), two people who were engaged to be married were allowed to hold hands, put their arms around each other, even kiss–if they did not make a display of passion, which was considered, not sinful, but vulgar, or as we would say it today, tacky. From what I understand of modern courtship, it is more like a Victorian engagement than what the Victorians called courting.

    To return to the Bible, Paul gives a lot of advice about Christian conduct. “Let all things be done decently and in order,” he says in his first letter to the church in Corinth. He is speaking of the spiritual gifts, but his advice about Christian life in general can be boiled down to this as well. So consider the decency and good order of your relationship. If the two of you think that holding hands is unseemly, then don’t do it. If, in your common opinion, there is nothing wrong with a courting or engaged couple showing chaste affection, then hold hands as the mood strikes you. And don’t worry that chaste affection will lead you down an inescapable slope to fornication! Sexual desire is not an irresistible typhoon. If you do feel powerfully tempted, then the old rule is the best: Meet in the company of others. In any case, don’t worry about irrevocably damaging your ability to love someone else if you hold hands and your courtship doesn’t work out. Hearts don’t work that way.

  • Why don’t you and your beau set the limits based on what both of you want. And the hell with what anyone else says?

  • Em

    Having watched Josh and Anna perform hours of awkwardly sexually charged hand holding on 19 and counting, I’d say it’s off limits. Kissing would have been so much less weird to me than their lingering finger on finger caresses.

  • Finding Home

    “If you can’t figure out what the Bible says on a subject, that’s a pretty good sign somebody made it up and just called it Biblical.”

    So much yes.

  • Maybe you need to read a modern translation of the Song of Solomon just for the heck of it. Hold those hands. It does not lead to sin, sex, or even impure thoughts. It’s just holding hands.

  • Gypsy Rose B

    I definitely don’t have a Biblical reference for this but…

    Try holding his hand. If you find that you recoil at his touch or that you find it uncomfortable having prolonged contact with him, it’s your instincts telling you you’re not a good match. You’re not giving up any part of yourself to do so. If one of your priorities is saving as many of your “firsts” for your future husband, you’ll know from holding hands that you probably don’t want to kiss this guy and so forth. It’s a pretty simple way to determine if he is someone you want to experience more physical “firsts” with, without crossing boundaries.

    If sparks fly when your fingers touch, that’s a good sign that there might be chemistry between the two of you, which is a good thing to have in a marriage.

  • “The truth is we have limitless capacity for love and caring.”

    So very, very true.

    ” ‘pieces of your heart’ as if it was a block of wood or sheet of paper …”

    Well my heart is made out of stone, so that might apply in my case. It makes me a great CPA and an even better auditor.

  • Kitty

    More with turning non-sexual acts into sex acts. If it’s appropriate to hold hands with your family during a prayer (and it is), then you don’t need to save it for your husband. You have held other people’s hands.