by Living Liminal cross posted from her blog Living Liminal
My ex-husband’s way of dealing with relationship breakdown was just to walk away and pretend it had never happened.
Despite the many times I asked him to meet with me and deal with the reality of what had happened between us, he refused. He wanted to walk away and get on with the fun he was having (i.e. an affair) If he didn’t have to face reality, he could convince himself that he’d done nothing wrong and so there was nothing to deal with. If I was hurt, that was my problem.
In my book, that was the behavior of a coward.
The reality is that people who don’t deal with their own crap when relationships fail, simply carry that stuff straight into their next relationship and do further damage there. They may convince themselves that they just need to leave it all behind and move on, but when it’s not owned and dealt with, more people end up being hurt.
The truth of this assertion has been amply demonstrated by my ex-husband. The relationship he left me for didn’t last – and he is currently married to yet another woman. I don’t know how many affairs and other liaisons he’s had in that time, but I do know that being unattached was never his style – he always went from one relationship to another, apparently without even a moment of self-awareness, much less self-reflection.
He’s not yet turned 50 and he’s been through at least 3 ‘marriage’ relationships – with children involved in at least two of them.
Think about that for a moment – think of the devastation and heartbreak behind those simple statistics.
Now think about this. My ex-church behaved in exactly the same way.
The refusal to meet together and work through our issues. The attitude that any hurt I felt was my problem, not theirs. The determination to move on and pretend nothing really happened.
Nothing was ever dealt with. No admission of any misconduct, no ownership of any wrongdoing, no willingness to face the reality. Just bury the bodies and move on.
And, to my absolute disbelief, they’ve just ‘called’ a new pastor. Despite having had 3 major leadership crises in less than 20 years of existence, this church is simply moving on to the next leader without ever dealing with the crap that has wrought such devastation in the past. (That’s 3 different leadership teams and 3 disasters – a 100% failure record!) Apparently, this time it will somehow be different… apparently… but for no obviously discernible reason…
They wouldn’t give credence to anything I might say – any more than they listened to warnings given the last time round! (Even though the guy who spoke up last time was proved right, that reality is completely ignored!)
So all I can do is express my horror and disbelief at their willful ‘insanity’ here. And pray to God that something changes… somehow…
BTW, there is one thing that was different between my ex-husband’s behavior and my ex-church’s. He’d turned his back on God and was simply intent on his own selfish desires. The church behaved this way and justified it in the name of God!