Answering “Preparing To Be A Help Meet” – How Does Submissive Wife Translate From Girlfriend?

Answering “Preparing To Be A Help Meet” – How Does Submissive Wife Translate From Girlfriend? July 22, 2015

AnsweringAnother installment of giving better answers to the questions asked at Debi Pearl’s site message board for the book ‘Preparing To Be A Help Meet’. Many young ladies ask questions on all sorts of different subjects brought up by the book. There was just one big problem, many of the answers stray into either the outright bad and emotionally unhealthy to dangerous. Yes, typical Debi Pearl borderline abusive. Here’s what we’re going to be doing here at NLQ. Every week, once or twice a week, I’ll be posting up one of the questions from the message board and ask you, our readers, to answer that poor soul’s question in a way that is logical, rational and the best possible solution, in other words 180 degree turn from Debi and friends answers. As always  all spelling and grammar in the posting is unchanged from the original author.

Okay, on to today’s question from a mother instead of a young woman:

How does submissive wife translate from girlfriend?

My son is in a relationship with a young lady who grew up in a single parent home with no father figure. She appears to be controlling everything even trying to make decisions for him. How does the role of submissive wife translate for the boyfriend/girlfriend relationship especially if they are talking about a potential marriage?

No one answered this mother. Seems like she’s openly criticizing this young lady for being raised by her mother alone and blaming what she thinks are flaws on being without a father. Is she asking if there’s reason to be concerned that this potential daughter-in-law might not be able to be properly submissive? Getting vibes that mama is dying to interfere and end the relationship.  What’s really going on here?

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What Are Your Thoughts?leave a comment
  • Nea

    Dear lady: Does your son have a problem with this? If not, back off and shut up. You’re not the one thinking of marrying her.

  • Joy

    Butt out, Mama.

  • Rachel

    Ugh. I remember books on how to be a good Christian young woman and it was all about practicing submission and respecting a male’s natural authority over a woman. It was all actually pretty disrespectful to men as well–the overall message is that men have these tiny fragile egos, and so women have to “build up” men by deferring to them and telling them what amazing leaders they are, otherwise these poor little men will shatter into a million pieces. And yet they teach that women are the weaker vessel?

  • Antoinette Herrera

    A few questions for the mom here: Is your son’s girlfriend abusing him, be it physically, verbally, or in any other way? Does your son come home unhappy after every date? Is the girlfriend isolating him from friends and family, including you?
    If the answer to these questions is “no,” then kindly cut the cord. Your son is a grown man, and capable of making his own decisions. Accept that, and also accept that he is dating a young woman who can make her own decisions. Neither you nor your husband has the right to micromanage his love life, or for that matter, any other aspect of his life. And if there isn’t already strain in your relationship to your son, there will be if you keep bad-vibing his girlfriend. Do you really want it to come to the ultimatum, “It’s her or me,” ma’am?
    You don’t have to be this young woman’s best friend. Hell, you don’t even have to like her. But respect the fact that your son is dating her, and that one day, she may be your daughter in law. Or not. But the more you push, the more he will push back.
    And what in bleeding H is so horrible about being raised by a single mother? You make it sound like the young woman is damaged goods, like she’s inferior to you. She’s not. And the fact that she can make decisions on her own is a plus. Unless, that is, you want your son to marry someone that you can run roughshod over.
    And if you can’t keep from interfering in their lives, and tearing down the young woman, I have one last thing to say: STFU and GTFO.

  • ShinyZubat

    Is the son okay with that arrangement? If the answer is yes, then stop worrying. Some people are very indecisive and appreciate it when others take control. It’s also possible that you’re exaggerating about how much control she really has. Maybe to you it feels like she’s in charge, but maybe to them it feels 50/50.
    All you need to be paying attention to is your son’s feelings. As long as he’s happy, then you should be happy for him.

  • Anonyme

    Being raised in a duplex by a lesbian mother is no life for a child! 😉

  • FrequentFlyer

    Maybe the son doesn’t want a submissive wife. I think people assume that all of the males raised in the patriarchy will be just like their fathers, but maybe this young man sees the problems. It is possible that he wants to be with someone who isn’t afraid to think for herself and speak her mind. He could actually want a partner. It does tend to make life better. Mom could be seeing anything less than total mindless doormat behavior as the girlfriend being to controlling.

  • Aimee Shulman

    Something tells me that this mother’s issue isn’t really that the girl is unsubmissive to the SON

  • Antoinette Herrera

    I think that the Pearls’ children might have benefited from such an upbringing, though. Better than being crushed underfoot.

  • Astrin Ymris

    It’s also possible that Mom’s “submission” to her own husband is only skin deep, and her son is subconsciously seeking a similar dynamic in his own marriage.

  • Wait a minute. Why does this son have a girlfriend at all? Isn’t he supposed to be courting a young woman after being properly vetted by her nearest male relative, say an uncle on her mother’s side? If this woman and her husband haven’t guided their son properly in the ways of courtship, let’s not blame the young woman for her lack of submissiveness.

    Come to think of it, where is the son’s father in all of this? If this mother is truly a submissive wife, shouldn’t she seek her husband’s guidance on this subject, not that of another woman? No wonder this young man has sought a worldly dating relationship with a near-feminist. The only thing I can recommend for his mother is prayer.

  • BlueVibe

    Well, there’s a Christian compassion fail if ever there was one. Also, this woman sounds like a nightmare of a mother-in-law.

  • Karen the rock whisperer

    I would advise this mother to butt out, period. If her son is considering marriage, he’s presumably old enough to make his own mistakes. If he can’t figure out whether or not his bride-to-be is going to be difficult to live with, he really isn’t old enough for marriage, but his mother isn’t in charge of that. As regards “even making decisions for him”, that’s his choice, too. My husband has always had issues that he puts a Karen Please Deal With This, I Don’t Want To Think About It field around (and the reverse is true, too). Some of those things (like family relationships) I suspect his mother would prefer that he deal with, but this is how it is.

    Mind you, our relationship is egalitarian, not patriarchal, so I’m coming from a different space than this mother. But still, mom here needs to back off. My in-laws, who have strong opinions about their children’s and grandchildren’s doings that they realize are irrelevant, tell each other “we’re not in charge.” Over the years, they’ve gotten quite good at doing that, and it has helped family harmony greatly.

  • Astrin Ymris


  • BondGurl7

    And who is to say that his girlfriend’s family is even part of the CPM? My bet is they aren’t, and that goes more to the heart of why this mother has her panties in a bunch over their relationship.

  • texassa

    I went through a christian phase in high school and dated a boy from a baptist family who thought he was wise beyond his 16 years. One day, I played the perfect hostess at a bible study at his (parents’) house – greeting everyone, having drinks, snacks and seats ready, acting like his perfect little christian girlfriend. He flipped directly to the verse (Timothy something?) and read aloud about a woman never having authority over a man. It was obnoxious, had no context, and was so offensive. I remember being sad and hurt, but silent. What I wouldn’t give to be able to go back in time and put that little punk in his place!