Another installment of giving better answers to the questions asked at Debi Pearl’s site message board for the book ‘Preparing To Be A Help Meet’. Many young ladies ask questions on all sorts of different subjects brought up by the book. There was just one big problem, many of the answers stray into either the outright bad and emotionally unhealthy to dangerous. Yes, typical Debi Pearl borderline abusive. Here’s what we’re going to be doing here at NLQ. Every week, once or twice a week, I’ll be posting up one of the questions from the message board and ask you, our readers, to answer that poor soul’s question in a way that is logical, rational and the best possible solution, in other words 180 degree turn from Debi and friends always all spelling and grammar in the posting is unchanged from the original author.
Okay, on to today’s question from a married woman who is separated from her husband. It is l-o-n-g and confusing:
I just want to praise God right now, because as I was stumbling around on the internet looking for answers and help for my situation, I found this site! I certainly hope someone can help me and keep me in prayer.
My husband and I are separated and have been for 3 months. This is not my doing, but his. He is currently staying at an apartment of our neighbors and is still paying the bills for our home. I am devastated by this because we have 3 children (14 yr old daughter who is mine – her father, my late fiancee, passed away when she was a baby, 3 year old boy, and a 2 year old boy). I am a God fearing woman and raised in a God fearing family, but my husband is not. He is a believer and he prays probably more because of me, but his family does not really practice the faith.
My husband and I have had a variety of relationship problems throughout our relationship and marriage, although nothing in the ways of infidelity, etc. The past few years of our marriage have been extremely hard as I became a stay-at-home mom, finished a graduate degree, had a new baby, my husband became our soul bread winner, he finished an online graduate program, etc. It has been a very stressful time here in our home and things started to unwind with us. While completing my grad degree, my husband started to become abusive a bit with his words, telling me he only married me because of our children, etc. Over time, we both became more disrespectful, more rude, more unwilling to work for the benefit of our family, be selfish, etc. We did try marriage counseling last year for about a month, but stopped going as things got better – big mistake! I have come to find out just recently that I was depressed for almost a year and although my dr. put me on meds last year, they had stopped working a few months into taking them and we were not aware. Now my sadness, ignorance, irritability, etc can be explained. I can tell you that I was not the Godly wife that I should have been and was very short and rude to my husband. It was hard for me to go from working full time and having my own money, to taking care of 3 kids (2 little boys who are 15 months apart!) It became really easy for me to become increasingly mean too because my husband had become so verbally abusive to me and I just could not let go of my pain that he had inflicted upon me with his words. I knew that our daughter had heard him and it hurt their relationship because she wanted to protect me and although she once adored this man, she began to hate him. Therefore, even if months went by without incident of his words, he would come home from work and if I was thinking about something he said, I would be rude. It was a terrible cycle and we were aware of it. So many times my husband promised he would go to therapy for his anger, but something always came up and he couldn’t go. Another big issue we had was that I began suffering last summer with 2 dislocated discs in my lower back as well as IBS stomach issues. I could hardly move at times and my stomach issues became so severe that I couldn’t eat. I became increasingly ignorant and short and my husband did not help as all he would tell me to do was go and get my problems fixed! There was little compassion to my health issues, and it hurt me deeply. Maybe my expectations were more than he could give? He would take care of me, but I don’t know…maybe I wanted to be babied a bit.
Anyhow, another issue we have is my husbands mother. She is literally the epitomy of Monster in Law. She has isolated everyone away from their family and therefore my husbands only family is his mother, his father, his grandmother, his sister (her husband) and an uncle who calls occasionally from across the US (and never visits). I have come to find out throughout the years of being around this family that no one wants to upset his mother because she is weak emotionally. She suffers from OCD and her home is pristine (we can’t even bring our children to her home to play without her flipping out over things being out of place), she cannot keep a job because she doesn’t get along with others very well, she talks about people behind their backs, she has to have the best of everything – let’s just say she is a complete narcissistic woman. Therefore, I never fit the mold of her wanting me within her family and she has always put things into my husbands mind about me – whether pointing out that my blinds are dirty, my baseboards need wiped off, toys are on the floor, my laundry should be put away better, etc. These things that she does in her home, has caused problems within my home and my husband is constantly trying to please her. He has mentioned on occasion that parties we have without his family are so much nicer because we are able to relax and enjoy our time, rather than cleaning up and trying to make everything perfect. It’s sad really, but they strive for perfection. I wanted us to start our own rituals in our own home, not do things a certain way because my MIL does, but this has proven to be hard to understand by my husband because his mother has such a hold on him.After a huge fight and my husband went to stay with his folks for a bit, his own sister (who ranted and raved to me about the mother and how her mother talks about me and my children and how she’s caused so many problems for my husband and I) defriended me on facebook, his mother called our home and told him to get to her house now or else she was coming to get him (we are both 34 years old!) and they pushed my husband into getting his apartment! They even helped him clean it out! My family has pushed for me to get back with my husband, to search myself, fix myself, and restore my marriage, but his family tells him to leave me and our kids. They help him with everything and his mother has even come into my home and taken items she bought us off of our walls! My husband says it was him, but I know better! I’m just trying to do this the Godly way and in the way that it pleasing to our Lord, so there are no regrets for me.
I have tried to be nice, buy little gifts, text him, call him to talk, etc, and he still won’t come home because he says he doesn’t want to live that way anymore with all the drama. He told me the other day that the does want to try and do everything possible to do so, but he won’t go to counseling, won’t read any books, etc. How is this trying? I’m so confused by this. It’s like, when he’s around, we are getting along, flirting and having fun. But then it’s like he talks to his mother and it changes and he’s not as nice and is a bit distance…not texting me back quickly, etc.
I know that he is listening to them tell him to be sure, instead of fixing what is broken and he has told me before that they have influenced him in the past within our relationship. So I’m not assuming here. What more can I do here? I want to save my marriage! I’m so hurt though, especially for our children. My neighbors know everything now obviously and his mother has even talked about me to them, but then turns around and would talk about them to me! I don’t want a relationship with his family, because they are too negative and mean hearted for me, although I would always show respect if I saw them.
Please provide me with some Godly advice. Thank you so much! Blessings!
A bunch of people answered this lady and the answers were pretty awful. Everyone advised her to start reverencing her husband, read Debi Pearl’s marriage books and put the ideas of complete submission with a smile into practice. She was also called ‘selfish’
I don’t see ‘selfish’ so much as maybe ‘immature’. This is such a confusing mess it sounds to me like professional mental health and marriage counseling is in order. It’s going to take more than reading Debi’s book and being cheerful. What do you think?
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