Quoting Quiverfull: Constant Child-Rearing Is Rest?

Quoting Quiverfull: Constant Child-Rearing Is Rest? July 24, 2015

quotingquiverfullby Nancy Campbell from Above Rubies – God Has A Better Place For You

Editor’s note: Doubling down on lack of all understanding of what words actually mean is Nancy Campbell insisting that quivering mothers with broods of children live in rest. Yes, she is talking about a mental/emotional/spiritual rest but it is very different than the realities of serving in a large family. It’s easy for Nancy to rest as she has a staff of Above Rubies girl interns doing the hard stuff and before that a pile of African adoptees working, at least before she disappeared them. This is exactly the kind of thinking in quiverfull that will make you lose your mind trying to carry it out another with ten million other rules.

Where are you today, mother? Bewildered? In confusion? In despair? In the pit of self-pity? Your stomach is tied in knots?. God has a better place for you.

His plan for you is to live in rest. Christ Jesus lives in rest. Nothing takes Him by surprise. Nothing gets Him in a panic. And if you have received Him into your life He lives in you. And you live in Him. Therefore, Positionally you live in rest (John 15:5-7).

It’s your enemy who wants to rob you from your place of rest. Come on now, don’t let him have the victory. Confess out loud the words of the psalmist: “RETURN UNTO YOUR REST, O my soul” (Psalm 116:7). If you have left this place, RETURN! You may have to say it more than once! And as you confess it, you must let go your burden, your bitterness, or your concern–and trust God with it!

QUOTING QUIVERFULL is a regular feature of NLQ – we present the actual words of noted Quiverfull leaders, cultural enforcers and those that seek to keep women submitted to men and ask our readers: What do you think? Agree? Disagree? This is the place to state your opinion. Please, let’s keep it respectful – but at the same time, we encourage readers to examine the ideas of Quiverfull and Spiritual Abuse honestly and thoughtfully.

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NLQ Recommended Reading …

Quiverfull: Inside the Christian Patriarchy Movement by Kathryn Joyce

13:24 – A Story of Faith and Obsession by M Dolon Hickmon

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  • Nea

    Nothing gets Him in a panic.
    “Father, take this cup from me.”

    How restful was it to throw out your children? To watch your daughter and grandchildren trying to not freeze or smother? To boil with resentment when young women do not refer to you so you have to slap on a smile and run your own errands? Tell us, Nancy. Give us the testimony of your actual experience. Show us how it’s done.

    Her ignorance of reality is matched by her ignorance of the bible.

  • Saraquill

    Does Campbell realize she’s bearing false witness? If so, does she understand this is in violation of a major rule in the Good Book?

  • BlueVibe

    Look, sorry, I don’t have kids so my opinions don’t hold water with these people, but cat ownership is not even constant rest, so it doesn’t take a genius or an experienced parent to figure out that this is bullroar.

  • Antoinette Herrera

    Shorter Nancy Campbell: “If you’re saved, it’s easy to rest in Christ. And easier still, if you train your daughters, or your starry eyed interns, just right. (We don’t speak about the adoptees. God sent them back, anyhow. Not the Lord’s fault that they were ungrateful to be serving, I mean being cared for by me, Nancy Campbell, Godly Mother and a better cultural enforcer than that nasty Debi Pearl.)”

    *Pauses to take a sip of her coffee, then spits it out*

    “I specifically asked for a no-foam latte, half-caf, skim milk, three Splendas, with nutmeg and vanilla powder! This is a breve, triple shot, hazelnut syrup, with cocoa and cinnamon! It’s a shame I can’t ship you off to Moldova! Get over here, now. I’ll give you a real reason to cry…”

    *Grabs a length of plumbing line*

  • Astrin Ymris

    Translation: Mentally zone out and do your work with robotic apathy while in a state of total emotional unavailability. Your kids will quickly learn to either take care of it themselves or seek help from an older sibling.

  • Astrin Ymris

    From what Kathryn Joyce wrote, it was revelations that kids in Liberian orphanages were “sexually abusing each other”* which led to fundgelical Rescue Adopters turning on their adoptees for fear of their “corrupting” their biokids.

    *It’s not clear if this means actual sexual predation, because Purity Culture doesn’t acknowledge the significance of consent.

  • Anonyme

    I decided to take a shot for every time Nancy finds a new way to say “you’re not good enough!”

    That’s why I’m writing this from beyond the grave.

  • Antoinette Herrera

    Much as I want to snark, it’s just horrifying that lily-white, QF parents have the notion that kids adopted from Africa are automatically depraved, hypersexual ingrates who will “corrupt” their ickle babies.

    Did it never occur to them that, if kids are acting out sexually, that there might be caregivers in orphanages abusing and assaulting them? Or that their oh-so-darling biokids might be willing to bully, abuse, and harm the adopted ones because they’ve already been othered?

  • Antoinette Herrera

    Join me over some pitchers of vodka lemonade.

  • Ruthitchka

    Wow, just reading this makes me want to get some real rest, like a nap. I only had 2 kids, grown up now, but…wow.

  • Astrin Ymris

    Honestly, I think they originally viewed their adoptees as innocents who needed to “saved” by being raised by white True Christians™, rather than their own culture.

    It was only later that they discovered it was Too Late! The Liberian kids already knew that they had Naughty Bits and knew at least some of the naughty things they could do with them. They did “ransom” a lot of teenagers: I’d ask “What did they expect?” but I know they were too caught up in their fantasies of Rescue Adoption Sainthood to expect anything but perfect fulfillment of their dreams.

    I’m sure there were some predatory adults abusing the kids– many of these orphanages WERE being run by CPM types, after all.(/sarc.) And I’m sure that at least some of the victims were passing along the victimization to weaker kids. Plus, there were undoubtedly children who came into state care in the first place because of molestation in the birth family.

    But I really don’t think it mattered to them whether it was consensual sexplay or sexual bullying. It was “sexual”, and that meant it was evil, since it wasn’t within a parent-approved marriage. Therefore, the Liberian kids had to be offloaded ASAP like defective merchandise.

  • Nea

    The commandment against false witness is always the first thing under the bus.

  • Friend

    Take it from an experienced parent: your experience does hold water.

  • Friend

    Sometimes, Bible verses about rest and love and laying down burdens do help me, but never 1) instantly or 2) by mandate.

  • There are a few, like the case of my mother, who had too many miscarriages to really qualify as QF, we only had seven, and while I think she did have too many and was too overworked to give enough emotional support to all of them, she didn’t disengage, either, and she never put on the fake-happy smile that most others did. She was, despite her flaws, not a bulwark, but at least a sanctuary from my father’s abusiveness – after all, he did it to her too, and she tried to do what she could for us kids.

    Despite having vented some of our general rage on her during our teenage years when we were struggling hardest and in the most pain, partly it was because we knew that it was ‘safe’ to vent at her – doing it to dad always just incurred worse ‘consequences’ – discipline and more abuse. But we knew that she loved us unconditionally and always would, no matter what we did. One of our few and most visceral memories from that time is one day that we made her cry – after Key yelled at her, I think something that possibly included ‘I hate you!’ she left the schoolroom, which was rare enough to arouse curiosity, and also I think he was, or we in general (multiple personalities, sorry) were feeling guilty enough to be worried, so we followed her, and found her sitting on the back steps crying. We were thoroughly horrified, and resolved to never again say things that weren’t true, even when ranting, to not displace enough emotion onto her to be able to say that we hated her, because definitely, we didn’t. Hated my dad for a long time, but mostly now we just feel sorry for him, trapped in his little cult box-world with his tiny God.

    In spite of everything, and how much we know she disagrees, on religious grounds because she was indoctrinated by my dad too (he started trying to remake her into the perfect wife as soon as he married her), with various aspects of our life and beliefs, we can tell her & talk to her about pretty much anything, and she is one of the few members of my family who will actually engage with our various personalities as persons, trying to get to know all of us instead of pretending that ‘you’re all just one person really’ and brushing us off when someone other than me (Kagi, the usual ‘front’) tries to talk to her.

    She’s one of the first people we considered ‘safe’ enough to tell when we began ‘coming out’ to friends and a few family members about being a functioning multiple – which granted, it’s a lot for most people to wrap their heads around, and religious people who view mental conditions or illnesses as things to be prayed away rather than properly treated doubly so.

  • Allison the Great

    Especially when they want to talk about how much they’re being persecuted when they don’t get their way.

  • Allison the Great

    I work retail (about to go back to college after a medical hiatus) and sometimes I see a young mother come in with 5 kids who are about 5 and younger. Three of those kids are still in diapers, they can walk, but it’s obvious that they’re not potty trained. Every time I’ve seen this, the mother is trying to shop while all of her kids are trying to get their mother’s attention. She ignores them and shops anyway. The only time she acknowledges them is when one of them wanders away. I can understand doing that when one tries to shop, but if this is what the mother does at home, is ignoring your children what Nancy means when she said that raising children is rest? Just ignoring their individual needs for their mother’s attention and going about your day? Sure, their physical needs are met. They’re fed and clothed but what else could they possibly need, right Nancy?

  • I also agree with this, and we’re seeing it in the lives of my sisters as they, too, decide to have ‘however many children God will give them’ – they are using NFP, and maybe condoms, for family planning, but nothing else. The five under five is quite common, especially my brother’s wife, who had twins. When we moved here to Kansas on my 7th birthday, my brother had just been born, and in the next three years my mother had two more children. All of us were home delivered except the last, which was due to complications. Seven kids in ten years. My mother had three miscarriages after that, but they were all given names and birthdays and remembered. There was at least one miscarriage in between…I think the third and fourth sisters, too, but we were never told very much about that. It was years later we found out it even happened.

    The miscarriages hurt her very much, not least because for certain one of them, maybe two, happened while my dad was carrying on a four year affair with another woman in the church, and he was completely emotionally unavailable to her when she was grieving. I can never remember Michael and Timothy’s birthdays, but I remember being given very clear pictures – visions, is part of my gifts – of what they would all have looked like as toddlers – Timothy with red curls and blue eyes and a rash but endearing smile, grey-eyed, quiet Michael with my mother’s family’s weird quirk of being born blond that gradually turned brown as they got older, into their teens or so.

    The one closest to my heart, because we were still living at home at the time, was the first one, Jael, Oct 21. She also had the blonde thing going on, a bit curly but mostly a wavy mess like one of our nieces, and green green eyes. Probably hazel, as it runs in the family, but when she was happy, they were green. I saw her running in a field, joy beaming out of her through every pore as she went exploring but also just enjoying the energy in her small body, to run as fast and far as she wanted to, and we recognised a kindred spirit immediately – we grieved, but ultimately we’re almost thankful that she did not have to go through what we did, growing up. To have her spirit broken, literally fragmented into pieces.

    To be fair, she probably wouldn’t have had the empathic gift that made it so easy for us to fracture into multiple personalities, but that almost makes it worse, because to us that was our means of recovery. Our birth self, Tira, the core, was very very much like Jael, the ghost of her at age four lived with us for a very long time – four is when we split the first time. My dad had a personality change of his own over the summer we were four – ostensibly because of things he was going through, but I still wonder if it was a true alternate, because we have learned that the personality/empath disorder is something we inherited from him.

    At any rate, we had never seen or felt rage like that from him before, and it was incredibly scary, because she had always thought of him as a cuddly teddy bear, and when it started getting directed at her personally – well, she burned to death, or at least into a coma, and the ghost of her, which we later named Jael after the sister-that-wasn’t followed Rien around for the next twenty years or so that he was the primary personality. Key was mainly just backup, at first, as my dad got more abusive than Rien could handle, and they weren’t really aware of each other, which is why I have to wonder about my dad when he says he felt the pressure to split and never did. I think he may have one or more he’s just not aware of.

    But anyway, Key and Rien together split me (Kagi) off to hide behind because the first situation in which we and others realised we were multiple turned out to be very unsafe. We hid for ten years, and then finally, slowly, began coming out to a few ‘safe’ friends. Tira, the grown up version of the core, started waking up then, as more separated activity was going on and it might be safe now. Eventually we told my parents, which greatly accelerated Tira’s growth and waking up process, and as this process reached the end, Jael started growing too, growing vibrant and taking on colour, talking to people other than Rien, getting older, and when she and Tira reached roughly the same age, as Tira slowly started assimilating memories from the rest of us, they kind of faded into each other, since they were the same person to begin with, the only true ‘trauma’ split.

    So the healing of that was…amazing, and us finding out at the same time the why and how of the way we were different, so different from anyone we’d met or even heard of, combined to make us finally feel whole, after being broken and bruised for so many years. We understand, now, why there’s so many of us, it’s to process all that fucking emotion, we all have our roles to play, and we are not broken. Not anymore. 😀

  • Astrin Ymris

    I’m sorry you went through that, and hope you’ve found a supportive community. I admit, other than having read a few books written decades ago, I don’t know much about multiple personalities.

    My slam was aimed at Nancy’s irrational advice rather than actual QF mothers. I know a lot of posters on this site were once struggling to raise children they loved while burdened with toxic CPM ideology. I intended no victim-blaming, and I’m sorry if it came across as such.

  • No, sorry, I didn’t mean it that way. No apology necessary. I understood it was satire of Nancy herself, not a generalisation, but we wanted to add a counterpoint view, since there’s little to no representation in the comments on this particular article from fundy homeschooling survivor children, especially anything positive, and we wanted to say that my mother was probably singlehandedly responsible for us not being entirely suicidal due to the pressures we were raised with. We still ended up cutting, but there were other issues involved with that. Living with chronic pain screws up your perception of physical pain in general, and our emotional pain won out. We wanted it visible, scarred into our skin, the pain that no one just looking at us could see.

  • Where in Kansas? I live near Wichita.

  • Topeka, unfortunately. Hopefully soon moving to Manhattan, though! Then I can come visit my friends in Wichita (well, Andover) more often. 🙂

  • I was just in KC. I could have stopped by and said howdy. Lol. Next time you’re near Wichita, holler, and we’ll get lunch and talk mental illnesses! 😀

  • Sounds like a plan! 🙂