Answering “Preparing To Be A Help Meet” – Touching Before Marriage?

Answering “Preparing To Be A Help Meet” – Touching Before Marriage? March 30, 2016

AnsweringAnother installment of giving better answers to the questions asked at Debi Pearl’s site message board for the book ‘Preparing To Be A Help Meet’. Many young ladies ask questions on all sorts of different subjects brought up by the book. There was just one big problem, many of the answers stray into either the outright bad and emotionally unhealthy to dangerous. Yes, typical Debi Pearl borderline abusive. Here’s what we’re going to be doing here at NLQ. Every week, once or twice a week, I’ll be posting up one of the questions from the message board and ask you, our readers, to answer that poor soul’s question in a way that is logical,  rational and the best possible solution, in other words 180 degree turn from Debi and friends answers. As always all spelling and grammar in the posting is unchanged from the original author.

On to today’s question:

Touching before marriage

So I’m just wondering exactly how much touching a Christian couple can do before marriage. What is appropriate? Is it okay to hold hands? Kiss? Or should you not even touch at all? And if possible, could you give me Bible verses that talk about this subject? Thank you!

She received a lot of answers that mostly went like this one.

I have come to the conclusion of being completely “hands off” until at least I am engaged. No holding hands, kissing, snuggling, etc. I would be okay with touching if it is completely of a non-romantic practical bent. For example if he was helping me up a steep incline while hiking or during family prayer. I allow a few select men to give me side hugs but they are all men I have come to trust and are more like uncles or grandfathers to me. Until recently I held that I would keep this standard until the marriage ceremony, but I have began to wonder about holding hands after I am engaged. I guess that is when I would most be prone to stumbling, so I should hold my ground even then.

Something that I read was that we should see how many “firsts” we can save for our husbands. Our first kiss, our first candlelight dinner, our first “I love you”, etc. I thought it was a really fun idea.

Twice I have regretted the level of contact that I have allowed. One was when I was 14 and in a square dance with a group of young people. One of the fellows began to hold me really close and it really bothered me. I wish I had never gotten into the dance (I was pressured into it) and now hold to only dancing with my brothers or other girls. The other time was when I was 19 and a guy friend whom I new was interested in me caught me off guard with a side hug. Now, I wish I had slipped out of his grasp instead of allowing the hug. I think part of the reason I regret these things is because I later found out in both cases the guys were not of the noblest of character in how they treated women.

For me, touch is something I am very sensitive too and I know it would be very easy for me to stumble, or have incorrect thoughts, if I allowed physical touch into a relationship. Even if it is hard, and sometimes awkward now, I am sure I and my husband will be glad I have made these choice.

But, all my ramblings aside, consider what could be a stumbling block to your purity. Also, I think you need to think about what your future husband would think of each interaction. Would he want you kissing someone other than him? Or holding hands? Or you snuggling up beside someone other than him?

One way I heard it put is- do you want him doing “_____” with someone other than you? Then don’t you do it with someone else.

The best Bible verse I can think of that applies to this is, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” In other words, don’t be doing something that you want your husband to save for you.

and this one…

Well, I am not one of those people who say DON’T or anything. What I will say is that it is easy for things to get out of hand.

My last relationship with my fiancee’ was ruined and we had to break things off because of how quickly “just holding hands” can get thrown over the bridge.

We NEVER intended to go as far as we did, and it scared us how far we let it go. The only thing he could reason in himself was to break off the engagement before things got worse.

We are both left with pain, a sense of betrayal, and the loss of someone we loved dearly. Even now, what we did brings me guilt and shame.

I also miss him so much, and still love him so desperately.

I am not trying to say touching is bad. What I am trying to say is to be careful. I thought I knew my limits. We tried to bathe everything in prayer. But we are human, and we fall. And it is so easy to do so. I don’t want others to experience the pain and suffering I have felt, so this is my warning to you:

What do you think?


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