Quoting Quiverfull: Part 2 – If Your Husband is a Jerk You Probably Caused It?

Quoting Quiverfull: Part 2 – If Your Husband is a Jerk You Probably Caused It? June 11, 2016

quotingquiverfullby Zsuzsanna Anderson from Are They All Yours? – So You’re Married to a Jerk….

Editor’s note: Here Zsu says even if you haven’t whipped up some fantasy man in your mind that your husband could never live up to, if the guy is really a horrible abusive jerk you can never divorce him because Bible. Really? God apparently wants you to stay with an abuser. That explains a good deal about certain female cultural enforcers lives, now doesn’t it?

What I am trying to say is this – what one woman calls a jerk, may at another time have been someone she loved. Or he may be someone that another woman (who doesn’t live with him) would consider lovable. The way we perceive people is the way we want to perceive them. One could just as easily will oneself into thinking highly of one’s spouse and children. It is our own choice to focus on the negative, or the positive attributes.
The reality of the matter is that we all have a tendency to piecemeal our ideal spouses. We want a husband who fixes stuff around the house like husband A, is considerate like husband B, looks like husband C, makes as much money as husband D, fathers like husband E, and so on – you get the idea. Nevermind the fact that husbands A-E all have different faults from one another, none of which we would want to put up with any more than the faults of our own spouse. Nobody could live up to such unrealistic expectations, therefore, disappointment is inevitable. This disappointment will turn into bitterness, anger, and eventually hatred for that “jerk” husband. It is really just a matter of how we look at him. I’m pretty sure that the mother of this “bad husband” would look at that same man (her son) and think very different of him – yet it’s the same person. Choosing to love him makes all the difference.
Besides all that, my personal observation has been that those who complain about their spouses all the time, or think to themselves what a jerk he is, really are not a pleasant person to be around themselves. Maybe it’s them who is the problem?

Just hypothetically, let’s assume that a sweet, godly lady marries a nice godly guy. After they are married, completely out of the blue, he changes personalities and turns out to be a complete jerk. What should she do? Does she have any “recourse”?

 Based on the Bible, I believe that divorce is always wrong, whether or not the wife is able to survive on her own financially, whether or not there are children involved, etc.
Even if the Bible didn’t spell that out so clearly, looking around at divorced homes I would have to come to the conclusion that a bad spouse is still better than a divorce. Divorcees suffer the emotional consequences of a divorce for a lifetime, and their children usually suffer even more. I have seen this countless times in people I have come into contact with.
QUOTING QUIVERFULL is a regular feature of NLQ – we present the actual words of noted Quiverfull leaders, cultural enforcers and those that seek to keep women submitted to men and ask our readers: What do you think? Agree? Disagree? This is the place to state your opinion. Please, let’s keep it respectful – but at the same time, we encourage readers to examine the ideas of Quiverfull and Spiritual Abuse honestly and thoughtfully.

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  • Nea

    Shorter Zsu: “I live in a culture that is viciously hurtful towards women divorcees, therefore I feel divorce is always too hurtful to bear for women.”

  • Astrin Ymris

    Actually, Zsu, when a woman calls her husband a jerk, she never means that he can’t make household repairs or isn’t handsome enough. She either means that he’s verbally, physically, or financially abusive, or she means that he’s unfaithful or profligate with family funds. Or any combination of the preceding.

    In these cases, both she and her children are usually better off ending the marriage.

  • THERetroGamerNY

    So if a husband is verbally abusive, the woman is forced to stay married to him?! What a rational argument. NOT.

  • Julia Childress

    Exactly. She is throwing relatively small shortcomings, which we all possess and which can be annoying to our family members, into the same pot as characteristics that actually harm others. Lack of mechanical skills and snoring I can live with. Manipulation and periodic slaps to the face, no way.

  • Antoinette Herrera

    Shorter Zsuzsanna Anderson, Part Deux: If I’m stuck in an unhappy marriage, having children at the risk of my health (and possibly my life), I don’t see why I should suffer alone. Fall in line with your husband’s demands, or suffer the consequences.

    Okay. Shorter ZA aside…it bugs me to no end that Zsu thinks “Godly” men only turn into tyrants if their wives fail to show reverence 24/7. An abusive spouse knows how to turn on the charm. And even if they don’t become physically abusive, they inflict emotional and psychological damage.

  • Abigail Smith

    I’m sure Anna Duggar didn’t think Josh was a jerk when she was “courting”…they were always around other people so his true colors wouldn’t have shown anyway…He sure is a jerk now to the whole world, but she’s not “allowed” to think that because it’s negative.
    The bible does “allow” divorce for infidelity, Zsu.

  • Anonyme

    Between what Zsu is dishing out and the Brock Turner case, I’m starting to wonder if feminism happened at all, or if we’re going backwards.

  • B.E. Miller

    That’s also what I’m partially wondering about. She says she’s seen divorce be hard on women and children. But in her church (or hubby’s church) would women who obtain divorces be shunned and/or belittled by church-goers? Which might make divorce exceptionally hard.

  • Antoinette Herrera

    As I was mulling over what Zsuzsanna Anderson had to say about dysfunctional marriages and divorce, the thought came to me: she knows, on some level, that she’s stuck in an abusive marriage herself. She knows that her husband is treating her as little more than a child, and maybe he’s never laid a finger on her, but he has undermined her sense of self. He may talk about Christlike love, but for Steven Anderson, control is the name of the game. And he has no qualms about manipulating Zsu, through fear, gaslighting, intimidation, et cetera.

    I repeat: on some level, Zsuzsanna Anderson knows these things. If she lashes out at women for daring to voice their discontent, it’s about more than cultural enforcement. She’s also lashing out in fear. And she’s projecting her anger onto other women, married and divorced. To admit that she is married to an abuser would be a crushing blow. In the long run, however, something has to give.

    If I am wrong, well, I’m wrong.

  • Astrin Ymris

    Feminism happened– the CPM was created in an attempt to destroy it.

    The positive thing about the Brock Turner case is that the toxic ideas his family are throwing out in the hope of getting him an even more lenient sentence are getting serious pushback. The victim’s articulate letter calling out every one of his self-serving rationalizations has gone viral.

  • ConcepcionImmaculadaPantalones

    Hahahahahahahahahaha….My ex’s mother didn’t see her son differently, she knew he was an abusive asshole. In fact, she said more than once that she was worried she’d end up helping him dispose of a body one day – that says just as much about her as it does about him, but that’s what the family was like. All the bad shit they did and likely still do to each other means there’s secrets to wield in order to get the rest of the family to help one of them get out of a jam including attempting to conceal a murder. 😛 I recently learned that he moved from California to Detroit, got a house and everything. His family members must have jumped for joy when he left and didn’t come back to live out here again, though because he’s had several attempts at leaving to strike out on his own, they waited on throwing a celebratory party until they were for sure sure rid of him.

    Zsu isn’t yet the cultural enforcer Nancy is. Might as well quit, it’s not like the world needs more Nancy or Zsu or Debbie.

  • Petticoat Philosopher

    I don’t know who the hell she’s talking about but, in my own experience, kids are most often relieved when their parents’ bad marriages end. Even if it was “only” an unhappy relationship and not an abusive one, they’re happy not to be living in an atmosphere of constant misery and fighting and/or tension. That doesn’t mean divorce isn’t tough on people–if nothing else, it’s usually tough logistically for the couple and often emotionally too. Which is why, contrary to the moaning of conservatives about how people these days get divorced at the drop of a hat, divorce, as I have witnessed it, usually comes at the end of a long, exhausting line of attempts to “make it work” or “stick together for the kids” etc. As for kids, yes, it’s hard for kids to deal with multiple homes etc. even under relatively good circumstances in which both parents are functional, decent people and are able to maintain an amicable parenting partnership. But, again, almost everyone I know whose parents divorced when they were kids–and this includes plenty of my own cousins–was happier after the divorce. Because, dealing with their parents marriage was way harder.

    I know there are some people who had a different experience and feel strongly that divorce is terrible for kids as a result. They certainly have a right to their experiences and feelings. But I suspect that Zsuzsanna’s opinions come less from actually knowing families and more from viewing them at a distance and coming to whatever conclusions best support her hard-and-fast dogma. They must be unrelentingly miserable and the kids must be damaged for life specifically by the divorce (and not the marriage) or otherwise, she might have to question her blanket condemnation of divorce.

  • B.E. Miller

    And now there’s a petition to recall the judge. (Though I’m not sure it would be helpful, since he was elected, it’s the people who elected him who need to sign the petition, not all us on the internets.)

  • AuntKaylea

    Only some of the way we perceive has to do with our own desires. Some has to do with our culture, education, place in history. And some of perception a perception has to do with cold hard facts. i.e. A person who has an affair while married commits adultery, and is, therefore, an adulterer. There is nothing about wanting to perceive someone this way.