For well over a year we’ve been running a second Answering ‘Preparing To Be A Help Meet’ on Sundays, filled with questions by young ladies trying to get ready for marriage. Since we’ve run through many of the questions on their site it’s time to shift Sundays to something else, like perhaps examining the cornucopia of probably fake emails and questions that Michael and Debi Pearl of No Greater Joy post on their website and the possibly poisonous answers they give.
Michael does not reprint the letter or email he supposedly received that requires an answer, but it does not make this any less horrible. No, Michael, kids that are verbally abused do not let daddy’s yelling at them that they are worthless slide off their backs. Mothers comforting abused children do not make the abuse worse or more scarring. Things like that scar and sometimes take time, intentionality and therapy to recover from..
Original posting here.
How can I instill a sense of self worth in my verbally abused child?
Many children live with terribly abusive fathers who constantly tell them they are no good but the children are aware they are greatly needed to help in the household, are good helping with the younger children, help with the neighborhood children, or grandparents, etc, etc, etc. No matter how bad the dad’s screaming insults are, they bounce off the child who knows better. Sure, it is an ugly situation, but it is a recoverable situation.
When mothers respond to a child with broken pity at how cruel the daddy’s insults are then there can be really scarring damage. This is of course a natural response but none the less damaging. It is time to stop pointing the finger and stop talking about forgiveness— as long as you focus on their hurt feelings, or trying to resolve their hurt, you will be adding to their damage. It is amazing but someday they will actually blame YOU not their dad. It would shock you to read our mail. It is crazy how life works out.
It is time to get your daughter off to the old folks home to volunteer to read to the old ladies or push wheelchair folks outside or sing to some old man as he dozes. She could get a job at a child care center or any place where she can see that she is a true helper. She needs to see results in other peoples’ lives— she needs to do some house cleaning— she needs to see the result of working with her own hands— something she can do where NO one else shares in her success, so that it is she alone that makes the difference.
Your children need to EARN their self worth because that is the only way they will have any. SELF worth comes when self feels worthy based on what SELF does, not what someone tells them— whether they are told how GOOD they are or how BAD they are. Many, many children that grow up hearing they are wonderful darlings have no self worth. Believe me, we work with a LOT of different people.
I have not reinvented the wheel on this— it is the commonly known truth among all people who work with children or adults with low self esteem. Don’t be mad— be smart.
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