Quoting Quiverfull: Don’t Pick Spouse Based on Sinful Attraction?

Quoting Quiverfull: Don’t Pick Spouse Based on Sinful Attraction? September 6, 2016

quotingquiverfullby Lori Alexander from Always Learning – Learn to Be Attracted to Good Character

Editor’s note: I’m not entirely sure that controlling your attraction to someone else is something you can effectively control or change entirely by changing your thoughts. This is more of the usual on controlling your thoughts and emotions.

Too often, the church tries to do things the way the world does, except without the sex before marriage. Too many Christian young people were never given guidance on what to look for in a spouse and make the decision based on feeling in love after spending time having fun together. But even where guidance is given, it’s often still focused on finding someone you’re attracted to who happens to have the right qualities rather than learning first to be attracted to the right kind of person. In other words, even Christians usually believe that attraction is fixed and involuntary and try to center relationships around it anyway.

I suggest a better way. My advice is that we learn to be attracted to good character and the types of traits that make a good spouse. Attraction isn’t something that just happens to us. Attraction can be controlled to a large extent. We all have preferences for physical characteristics in the opposite sex, but attraction is more than just noticing someone is good looking, even if that does play a part. These other factors that influence attraction are primarily driven by our mindset and can be modified by our patterns of thought.

In order to control our attraction properly, we should actively think about good character qualities and notice them in others around us and think positive thoughts about those who have them in order to develop a mental pattern of appreciating good character.

QUOTING QUIVERFULL is a regular feature of NLQ – we present the actual words of noted Quiverfull leaders, cultural enforcers and those that seek to keep women submitted to men and ask our readers: What do you think? Agree? Disagree? This is the place to state your opinion. Please, let’s keep it respectful – but at the same time, we encourage readers to examine the ideas of Quiverfull and Spiritual Abuse honestly and thoughtfully.

moreRead more about controlling your thoughts and emotions:

Controlling Your Thoughts Again?

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What Are Your Thoughts?leave a comment
  • Nea

    Shorter Lori: “focus harder on abstracts and less on what you want because there aren’t *enough* divorces in my notoriously high-divorce culture.”

  • SAO

    Another false dichotomy. She’s suggesting that you look for a spouse either by looks or character, not a mix of both. Sexual attraction is like magic glue. It takes a lot of work to keep a relationship together without it.

  • KarenH

    And she still didn’t say what traits single Christians should be looking for.

  • Petticoat Philosopher

    Okay sure, it’s important to choose partners based on more than physical attributes that turn you on. It’s important to consider character and what traits you actually value in a partner and what will actually work for you in the long run.

    The thing is, people often need time, experience, and maturity to gradually bring “what turns me on” and “what’s good for me in a long-term relationship” into harmony. And those things are exactly what young people are denied in fundamentalist Christian culture because such a high premium is placed on early marriage. Marrying someone just because you think they’re hot and you haven’t given much thought to what kind of partner they’d be 5, 10, or 20 years down the line, maybe because you can’t even know because they’re really still developing as a person and so are you? Those are the kinds of decisions inexperienced teenagers make.

    So maybe actually give some people time and space to explore and to learn about themselves and others so they can make mature decisions that take into account all the factors necessary for a happy marriage? (And attraction is one of them for most people). But, noooooo, that would be too risky because people might be tempted to have Teh Sex if they go unmarried too long!

  • BlueVibe

    Wait, didn’t we just read a letter from a woman struggling with not being attracted to her husband?

    I mean, we’re not in middle school–OF COURSE attraction doesn’t cover all the bases, but it’s a factor. And attraction =/= plain hotness. I’ve dated a lot of guys who were maybe less than objectively hot, but were attractive for combinations of decent appearance + definitely attractive character traits.

    Of course, if you’re raised in an environment that separates the sexes rigidly and encourages repression and punitive interaction, you don’t have any measure by which to choose a partner based on character, either.

  • texassa

    We’re looking at you, Jinger Duggar!

  • Allison the Great

    Maybe that’s why Lori writes so much about submission and doing what her husband wants her to do. Maybe those two get on one another’s nerves and they don’t really dig each other’s physical appearance.

  • SAO


  • Astrin Ymris

    I can’t decide if the cultural enforcers really believe that this level of thought control is possible, or if they’re expecting shame to keep all their followers silent about their failure to achieve it.

  • Attraction CANNOT be controlled… or I would still be attracted to my husband. As it is… I’m not and I highly doubt that I ever will be again.

  • Mel

    Based on what I’ve read from the Pearls and the Botkin Family, women should be looking for a guy who passed their father’s OK. That’s all that matters.

  • I finally read this after buzzing by the title several times. I know that it’s a few minutes of my life that I’ll never get back… My first thought is that we should seek out men who disgust us in as many ways possible when we select a mate.


  • texassa

    You can see the lust burning in her god-fearing eyes.

  • Melody

    1984 anyone? Spouses were chosen precisely on sexual incompatibility to ensure that it was only ever for procreation and therefore hardly ever happening at all. After all, a healthy sex drive only distracted from your devotion to the party!

  • gimpi1

    Well-spotted. How can one learn what sort of character-traits will make a good marriage-partner with no experience dating or getting to know potential marriage partners… partners as in more than one?

    The way you discover what makes a relationship work for you is by having relationships. Now, you don’t have to sleep with or move in with someone to get to know them, but you have to spend time, non-chaperoned, non-supervised, real time with them, doing things and just hanging out, to get to know the real person. This is exactly what the more strict groups call “giving away pieces of your heart.” It’s what they call “practice for divorce.”

    How are you supposed to learn enough about someone to have a grasp of their character with an arranged, no touching, chaperoned, parent-led, brief courtship that is pretty-much mandated to end in a wedding, the sooner the better?

  • AuntKaylea

    What annoys me here is the misguided assumption that ONLY attraction matters to non-Christians. Most non-Christians make choices in their life partners with factors in addition to/beyond attraction, too. There is a lot more freedom outside of CPM to look for both shared values/lifestyle AND attraction for marriage, at least IMHO.