What are you Doing? – Chapter 15 Sakal Wants No Pre-Licked Candy Bars

What are you Doing? – Chapter 15 Sakal Wants No Pre-Licked Candy Bars September 23, 2016

whatareyoudoingby Suzanne Titkemeyer

We’re on chapter 15 of Vaughn Ohlman’s get them married the second their breasts and assorted bits grow. Thankfully there are only about 20 pages total left. But most of the coming chapters are blessedly short, the final one only a half page.

I plan on burning this damn book on my grill just as soon as these reviews are done. This toxic brew does not need to ever fall into the hands of impressionable people. Just like those of Vaughn’s oldest son’s bride, Laura Camp Ohlman. She is the one that found and read the book, got her daddy to read the book and then contact Vaughn for a betrothal. So many bad decisions in such a short period of time. I do wonder if Von gave her father Andrew Camp the ten thousand dollars he advocates in this book as the correct ‘bride price’. I hope not for everyone’s sake because that takes this all up to another level of creepy.

Today’s chapter is all concerned with not giving away pieces of your heart, making those soul connections with someone of the opposite sex that ruin marriages according to the CPM. It’s nonsense of course, having a crush or getting to know someone else does not create some sort of magical spiritual voodoo-esque link between the two of anyone! Hogwash.

The name of the chapter is ‘Gaining Oneness’ –  I guess the Fundytown name for emotional intimacy. It starts with buttinski Sakal and pondering father of Maydyn – Pater, or Pat for short, sitting at Sakal’s kitchen table now that we’ve moved away from the Picnic Table of Confession in Pervert Park.

We open with this confusing conversation:

PT: One of the most important things I’ve been reading about in the whole courtship issue is one of oneness. Most everything that I’ve read talks about how the couple needs to start becoming one during the courtship peroid. Some people talk about mental oneness, some about spiritual oneness.

SD:I see. So the idea is that you move though these stages, becoming more and more one, until finally you start sleeping together?

Right away Vaughn takes it to the ‘All about sex’ thing that permeates this book, like a dropped bottle of ancient Evening in Paris perfume dropped in the middle of decaying Rexall drug store. Just like that smell, this is enough to make you gag.

What Von really means here is that you should immediately start sleeping together. As soon as your daddy says you are officially married, money has changed hands, without your approval at all and definitely without a state marriage license.

There’s some discussion yet again of how courting and dating are essentially at heart the same damn thing.

SD: Yes, it is very similar to the dating model.

PT: Ouch! (A long pause) You mean that in courtship they end up forming a relationship that, if eventually broken off, was inappropriate.

There we go, right straight to those heart connections, although Mr. Ohlman does not spell them out. They call dating and courtship ‘Marriage Lite’

I don’t know, but I do know I never once did the laundry of a guy I was dating, cleaned his room, or balanced his checkbook, so it’s not really ‘Marriage Lite’ no matter what he’s claiming. Marriage is much more than saying you love someone else or having feelings for them.

SD: They aren’t meeting to collect stamps or solve world hunger through political action: they are coming together as a boy and a girl on the road to marriage…..things that need to be undone by the next relationship, and that damage it. Two start becoming one, even if not physically, and then, if the courtship fails you ask them to become two again; an impossible task.

Why are these people in fundamentalist Christianity the weakest, wimpiest, and most fragile people on the planet? You date someone, you split up, you move on with lessons learned but your heart still in tact. If you’re coming away from failed relationships so broken than you cannot mend then you’re either in an extremely abusive relationship or you should likely seek some sort of mental health help.

SD: Well, let us say that a young man, George, is thinking it is time for him to marry. So he looks around the church, among his friends, or whatever, and says, “Should I court her?”

Well, even if he thinks about her for a minute or two, he has thought about her, as a possible wife.

PT: And you’re worried about his thought life?

SD: Right now I’m talking about his commitment life. For those few seconds, he has made a very small, very light, commitment to that girl.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! That’s ridiculous. It’s like saying that just because you once looked at a photo of stripper shoes in a magazine and wondered what they would be like to wear them onstage you are mentally committing to be an adult entertainer. That’s not committing yourself in any way to a life on the stage of Spearmint Rhino in Vegas taking off your clothes. It’s a harmless momentary thought you have no real intention of acting on.

PT: Then, when he comes to marry a girl, he has gotten into the horrible habit of making, then breaking commitments.

SD: What of his heart? Will he not, in his heart, carry about seeds of dissatisfaction; a hidden thought that it ‘isn’t fair’ and ‘I should be able to drop her’? Isn’t that what all his previous experience has taught him?

Sounds like Vaughn is trying to link the evangelical fundamentalist trope that the modern world teaches people that divorce is good, doable and just right around the corner. Reminds me of a tale at his old dismantled website about a beautiful girl and her father that denied the girl to a certain young man that thinks he was owed that young woman as a bride from here.

The lessons here from Sakal/Vaughn:

  • Everyone in fundytown should be existing in a protected bubble to keep them from sinfully getting emotionally close.
  • People in that world get very butthurt and damaged when they court or date and then don’t marry. Psychotically disturbed even.
  • Just thinking about things is pretty much the same as doing those same things.
  • They must have some of the most miserable lives in Von’s  version of the high demand cult he’s a part of.
  • Not only do you have to keep your penis/vagina OEM NIB you have to do that with all your emotions and romantic thoughts too.
  • People must have some underlining sexual subcontext when they get together to collect stamps or end world hunger.
  • This is why you don’t allow impressionable adolescent girls read this material or try to follow through on life altering huge decisions!

None of these people have any business being married if they think that just by thinking about someone else you’re somehow ‘attached’ to them. I know what I’d like to attach to the author of this book, it involves electrodes and a car battery, but I think the Geneva Convention prevents it.

Join me Sunday night as I read aloud selections from this book on Facebook Live video on NLQ’s Facebook page.

Next up Sakal talks to Andrew’s father in Pervert Park. Thrilling.

Introduction | Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5

Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 | Part 9 | Part 10 | Part 11 | Part 12

Part 13 | Part 14 | Part 15 | Part 16 | Part 17


Suzanne Titkemeyer is the admin at No Longer Quivering. She’s been out of the Quiverfull Evangelical world for nine years now and lives in the beautiful Piedmont section of Virginia with her retired husband and assorted creatures. She blogs at Every Breaking Wave and True Love Doesn’t Rape

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