Quoting Quiverfull: Anger is Poisonous?

Quoting Quiverfull: Anger is Poisonous? October 8, 2016

quotingquiverfullby Kaylene Yoder as quoted by Faith Along The Way – Hope For the Angry Mom

Editor’s note: Another bit of righteous fear-mongering. A little anger is not necessarily a bad thing. Anger can be motivating, a signal that you need to address an issue either internally or externally, it can be cleansing. It’s not going to ruin your life if you experience anger every now and again, even if it happens while you are with your children. But you know what will ruin your life? Repressing your emotions! I will give the writer credit for one thing, she did the right thing in getting away from her children for a few moments to take control of what she felt. Removing yourself from triggering situations is a healthy response, more healthy that repressing and pretending.

That was the day I scared my children.

They had never heard that sound come from me and they understood it even less than I did.

I left them in the middle of their wreck of toys & locked myself in my room just in time to catch the following cries in my pillow. Tears soaking the sheets and fists pounding the mattress, there I had my very first fit of mommy anger.

And boy, was it ugly.

After my frustration was spent, I lay there staring at the ceiling wondering what had just happened.

I heard my children whisper outside the door and my three year old asked cautiously into the quiet, “Mom? Are you dead?”

Her innocence and concern were enough send me into tears of shame and regret.

I had never experienced this kind of anger, I wasn’t sure I even understood it, but I sure didn’t want it to come out of nowhere like that again.

So, I began to study anger. I learned that,

  • anger is a normal emotion, but it can be consuming

  • anger is ugly, but it doesn’t have to make us ugly

  • anger that is not repented of ruins families, marriages and souls

  • anger that is anticipated and prepared for, is easily identified and can be redirected in healthy ways.

QUOTING QUIVERFULL is a regular feature of NLQ – we present the actual words of noted Quiverfull leaders, cultural enforcers and those that seek to keep women submitted to men and ask our readers: What do you think? Agree? Disagree? This is the place to state your opinion. Please, let’s keep it respectful – but at the same time, we encourage readers to examine the ideas of Quiverfull and Spiritual Abuse honestly and thoughtfully.

moreRead more about the role of anger:

Why is Anger So Feared?

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What Are Your Thoughts?leave a comment
  • Mel

    To me, it sounds like the kids were more freaked out by the mom locking herself in her room and crying than they were by her anger.

    Kids aren’t stupid. Babies have been shown as early as 6 months to try and make people happy if they look sad or angry. That means that even the 3-year old had seen his or her mom angry before and had picked up on the fact that sometimes Mom is angry at them.

  • Storm

    Overall this actually sounds pretty okay. I agree that anger is a normal emotion. I agree that it can be “consuming”, i.e. that some people have a harder time controlling their anger than others. I don’t think anger is always ugly. When I hear words or see actions that I think are wrong, I feel anger, and I don’t think that’s an ugly form of anger. Likewise, if I hear about say, child abuse, I am angry at the perpetrator. I think some anger can be good and constructive.
    On the anger ruining marriages and families, if you’re angry all the time, it will likely have a negative effect on your relationships. But, the solution is not to bottle up and ignore your anger, but to deal with it constructively and try to identify and remove the cause.
    And I completely agree with the last point; that preparing for situations that you know make you angry and working on strategies to keep yourself calm and deal with the situation constructively are extremely helpful.

  • Allison the Great

    Being angry, just having that emotion is fine. Acting out in one’s anger is another thing. I’ve seen people act out when they get angry. I’ve seen it at work. They walk around slamming doors and slamming things on tables. I hate it when people do that, that is NOT okay, especially in the work place. While it is not healthy to suppress one’s anger all the time, it’s also not good to take it out on everyone around you.

    I have learned how to cope with anger, and yes, the best thing to do is remove yourself from the situation. I channel my anger by playing violent video games, and, remarkably, that has helped so many relationships. I’m not a marathon gamer, but when I get pissed off, I excuse myself, or I wait until I get home and then I go turn on the PS4 and kill some shit for a little while. Lately I’ve been playing Assassin’s Creed 4 ( it’s a few years old but I don’t buy games new, too expensive) and man, that has been my favorite. I’m taking my anger out on the bad guys in the game rather than on the people in my life who don’t deserve it. Gaming also helps me think things through. Why am I angry? Is it justified, or is this triggered by frustration with other things in my life? If this anger is justified, how do I resolve it? By the time I get finished playing, I have a much clearer head.

  • jennabobenna

    When I had an XBox I found Halo and GTA super cathartic. Halo was especially good for online play. Mute the chat (because as a female, listening to the misogynist vortex that is XBox Live would have just raised my blood pressure further) and just shoot the crap out of other players who are piloted by real people, gleaning special satisfaction from the knowledge that they were probably talking crap about the female player on a killing rampage. And GTA was good if I needed less structured violence for catharsis. I’d run around town carjacking and running people over avoiding the cops. The last one I played was GTA IV, probably wouldn’t be able to stomach the greater realism of GTA V because I can’t do real violence, that’s why I never liked CoD.

  • jennabobenna

    Overall, her point isn’t horrible, but it still rubbed me the wrong way. I grew up in a household with a dad who was not remotely abusive in any way, to us kids or my mom, but who had an explosive temper. When I was quite young, I learned how to stay off the receiving end of it for the most part, so it was mostly just embarrassing if we were around extended family, friends, or strangers. My mom was mortified by his behavior and was frustrated by the fact that his family’s reaction to it has always been “Oh that’s just John being John” like this was acceptable and normal behavior for an adult.

    The problem wasn’t really so much his anger though, it was how he handled it. You don’t have to “repent” of the anger to be emotionally healthy, but you do have to handle it like an adult.

    When my grandpa died, my mom basically told my dad if he didn’t get his act together, he was going to have the kind of relationship with us kids that his dad had with him and his siblings and no one is really going to miss him much when he’s gone. She also told him if he didn’t follow through on fixing the issue once and for all that she was done and would divorce him. She asked if that was what he wanted. Of course, he said no. My mom had probably threatened to leave before because when they fought, inevitably one of them ended up pealing down the street and disappearing for a couple hours, but I think he realized she was dead serious this time. My mom found out around the same time from a friend that my dad’s behavior at home extended to work too and he was known to have grown man tantrums there. This solidified my mom’s resolve because she didn’t want to be in a situation where my dad lost his job so close to retirement because he was being a child. She also didn’t want him to dig an early grave because a-fib runs in his family, his grandfather died of a heart attack at age 50, and he’s had high blood pressure most of his adult life.

    It’s been a few years now, and my dad’s new mantra has been “Not my circus, not my monkeys.” He’s been a completely different person both at home and at work. He’s realized that it is not productive to be constantly angry over things you can’t control. He’s also learned that if he is angry, that going around throwing things and slamming doors is not a productive way to handle that anger. You don’t have to apologize for your emotions. You don’t have to justify them. You don’t have to be ashamed of them. But if your actions as a result of those emotions are immature, destructive, or disproportionate, you should reevaluate. You should also be able to recognize what is in your control.

    I had a hot temper when I was in my teens and early 20’s, but after coming to the realization I was turning into my dad and I should be embarrassed, I started making a concerted effort to handle myself and my anger better. Now, I avoid certain things if I’m not in a good place to handle them. For example, sometimes I just can’t even with NLQ because I’ve hit my rage-read quota for the day. Other times, I feel an irrational rage coming on (anymore, it’s usually limited to PMS), and I will remove myself from the situation if need be or I think about whether it makes sense to be angry over whatever it is. Very rarely anymore do I actually reach full-blown explosive rage just by doing those two things.

    Sorry for the novel. I just have a lot of feelings (pun intended). The whole “repress your emotions” thing boggles my mind. I was just telling a friend that when I went on Luvox briefly in high school, I went from a rollercoaster of emotional extremes to feeling nothing. Sure, I wasn’t an overly aggressive ball of anxiety anymore, but I also wasn’t human anymore. Almost anyone who has tried more than one drug for anxiety or depression has a similar tale and I have yet to meet such a person who continued on that medication because they actually liked not having emotions.

  • Abigail Smith

    Thank you for sharing….I grew up in an abusive home with an explosive father and a perpetually angry mother, both who constantly reprimanded us for any anger. I’ve gone no contact in the last few years and have begun to heal. I realized that the denying/suppressing healthy anger was a huge part of why QF felt “comfortable” or “familiar”…because it was just as abusive

  • Allison the Great

    I have a PS4 and that’s probably one of my best purchases. I never play online because I know that there are misogynist cretins in the online play and to me, that takes away the fun of playing video games. I loved the Saints Row franchise. Saints Row 2, 3 and 4 and Gat out of Hell are a blast, and they’re funny too. I like the Assassin’s Creed games (well I like AC4, I have Syndicate and Unity, Rogue and AC3, but I haven’t really gotten as much into those as I have with AC4) I don’t really care about beating AC4 as much as I like playing it. I love the characters (Ben Hornigold is FUCKING HOT, he’s got that Wolverine shit going on). I just keep starting over for the naval battles and roaming around all pirate-y and what not. Kenway’s fighting style makes me very happy. Going around and killing guards like in this video and getting into fights and shit makes relieves a lot of stress.