How to Keep Your Church from Blowing Up

One of my first stops every morning is Ray Ortlund’s blog at The Gospel Coalition. In a post last week entitled “How church conflict escalates to the nuclear option” he referenced a 2012 9Marks post about how conflict escalates in a church and I think the description is spot on. I’ve seen this play out more times than I care to rehearse.

1.  An offense occurs.
2.  A biased view of the offense is shared with friends.
3.  Friends take up the offense.
4.  Sides begin to form.
5.  Suspicion on both sides develops.
6.  Each side looks for evidence to confirm their suspicion.  You can be sure they will find it.
7.  Exaggerated statements are made.
8.  In the heat of conflict those involved hear things that were never said and say things they wish they had never said.
9.  Third parties, no matter how well intentioned, can never accurately transfer information from one offended party to the other.
10.  Past offenses unrelated to the original offense surface.
11.  Integrity is challenged.
12.  People call each other liars.
13.  Those who try to solve the problem (e.g., church leadership) are blamed for not following the proper procedure and become the new focus.
14.  Many are hurt.

Mike McKinley, the author of the original post at 9Marks, believes a church will have difficulty “pulling out of the nose-dive” once step 5 is reached. He is probably correct, but there is a way for people in a church to cut off conflict before reaching this stage. The parties who are angry with each other simply need to sit down and talk face to face. This seems obvious, but how often do people walk through life angry with each other when a simple conversation could begin to heal the divide?

Jesus advocates this approach in Matthew 18:15. “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother.” Notice how Jesus says this should be done. When another person sins against you, go and tell them, keeping it between you and that person alone. We tend to talk to everyone about the offense except the person who actually hurt us. When this happens we miss an opportunity to reconcile with the other person in an appropriate way. He could grow from the encounter and also could have an opportunity to explain himself. How many times have we been offended about something we misunderstood? If you are offended by another brother or sister in Christ today, go and talk to them personally instead of talking to others who can do nothing to right the wrong.

What should you do if you do not want to talk to the other person? Solomon offers one alternative. He says in Proverbs 19:11, “Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense.” If you do not want to talk to another brother or sister who has offended you, this is your only other option. You can overlook the offense, and it is a glory to do so. If the offense is so great that you cannot overlook it, then you must go to the other person. The Bible does not present gossip as one of your options. Staying angry and bitter will only hurt your own soul. Overlook the offense or talk to the person who hurt you. You may only bring other people into the picture if the personal conversation goes nowhere. Even then, only one or two other people should be involved and the goal is the restoration of the relationship.

The church’s witness in your community is at stake in how you choose to handle personal conflicts. You can either commend the Gospel by lovingly speaking to the offending brother or bring shame upon the Gospel by gossiping and backbiting. If you choose to lovingly speak to the person who offended you, you can win back the relationship you had with them and the beauty of the Gospel is demonstrated to those around you. This also cuts off church conflict before it starts, allowing the church to continue walking in unity. Isn’t this what Jesus had in mind when he said, “By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another?”

Related Posts:
“How Enemies Become Friends”
“How Emotional Blackmail Happens in Church”

For Further Reading:
The Peacemaker by Ken Sande
The Gospel by Ray Ortlund