Losing Your Temper with Your Children is Not Discipline

The indictment of Adrian Peterson last week ignited a nationwide discussion about spanking. Many used this as an opportunity to make a point about all forms of spanking. Armed with social science studies and emotional stories of child abuse, they argued that all spanking is child abuse which psychologically damages children. Their jumping on this situation to push their agenda surprised no one.

What I did find surprising has been the chorus of voices defending spanking. Charles Barkley defended both Peterson and the practice of spanking in an NFL Today interview with Jim Rome. The Huffington Post offered this summary of the discussion.

“I’m from the South. Whipping is … we do that all the time,” the former basketball star, who was born and raised in Leeds, Alabama, said. “Every black parent in the South is gonna be in jail under those circumstances. I think we have to be careful letting people dictate how they treat their children.”

When Rome contended that it doesn’t matter where someone is from because “right is right and wrong is wrong,” Barkley disagreed.

“I don’t believe that because, listen, we spank kids in the South,” he said. “I think the question about did Adrian Peterson go overboard. … But, listen, Jim, we all grow up in different environments. Every black parent in my neighborhood in the South would be in trouble or in jail under those circumstances. … As far as being from the South, we all spanked our kids. I got spanked, me and my two brothers.”

Many Southerners echoed Barkley’s sentiments this week. I’ve read countless people refer to the spankings they received as children and how those spankings helped form their character. Others have said they would be in trouble if Child Services began investigating the way they disciplined their own children.

Unfortunately many who wish to defend the practice of spanking have picked the wrong case to make their point. Texas authorities released pictures which were used as evidence against Peterson and while I have no desire to render a verdict in his case, they do not look like anything that results from what could be considered constructive parental discipline. When Solomon said, “Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him,” he was not sanctioning the bruises and lacerations these photos reveal.

Another issue needs to be addressed in some of the defenses of spanking offered this week. Losing your temper with your children is not discipline. Solomon spoke as often of the folly of an uncontrolled temper in Proverbs as he did about using the rod to discipline your children. When you lose your temper with your children because of something they have done, your children stop thinking about their actions and start focusing on how angry you are. You cannot correct their sin by sinning yourself. James’ words in 1:20 must be written over all of our parenting. “The anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.” Lasting spiritual fruit cannot be brought into your child’s life by flying off the handle and disciplining them in anger.

In our polarized society, we quickly take sides on an issue without thinking about the consequences of our decisions. If Christians try to jump on the Adrian Peterson bandwagon in order to defend the practice of spanking, it will be a losing battle. This case is not an opportunity to defend spanking; it is a reminder that the purpose of discipline is not to punish children for wrongdoing. The discipline that the Bible advocates corrects, teaches, and instructs. Christian parents discipline because we have a heavenly Father who disciplines us. The writer of Hebrews said “the Lord disciplines those whom he loves.” He does not so punitively and cruelly, but lovingly and correctively. He disciplines his children not to take out his frustrations on us, but for our growth in his grace. We would do well to let his model of discipline shape our attitude about discipline.

Related Posts:
“When Your Lose Your Temper with Your Kids”
“Teaching Proverbs to Your Children”

For Further Reading:
Shepherding a Child’s Heart by Tedd Tripp
Don’t Make Me Count to Three by Ginger Plowman