Husbands, Be Quick to Forgive

This is the fourth post in the “How to Grow as a Husband” series. You can click the links to read Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, and Part 4.)

I don’t remember the first person I heard say it, but one of my favorite reminders about marriage is that it is “the union of two sinners.” Now, if the husband and wife are Christians, it is the union of two redeemed sinners, but even then they are still people who wrestle with the world, the flesh, and the devil. The question in marriage is not whether or not husbands will disappoint and offend their wives and vice versa, but whether or not we can forgive when an offense is committed.
Husbands, there will be times when your wife offends you. She will definitely disappoint you and hurt you along the way, just as you do to her. When this happens, there are two questions you must answer.

Can You Overlook the Offense?
So often we can be hypersensitive when it comes to our spouses and carry our feelings on our shoulders. This causes us to take little statements the wrong way and to overcompensate by getting angry quickly. Joy in your marriage cannot exist when you over overly sensitive and quick to anger. You will lash out in your anger and your marriage will be filled with bitterness and unresolved frustrations.

Recognizing this propensity in men, Solomon tells his son in Proverbs 19:11, “Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense.” The first half of this verse speaks to our tendency to fly off the handle over words and situations when we don’t have the full story. Wisdom demands that we learn to have a cool spirit and think before we get angry about something that is said to us. Did you fully understand what was said to you? Were there extenuating circumstances you should take into account about what was said? Don’t get angry or offended until you have fully considered what your spouse meant by what they did or said. Even then, don’t fly off the handle, but give consideration to what you should do next.

Can you overlook the offense? Solomon reminds us it is a glory to overlook an offense. This means that a man is willing to let go something that has been done against them without saying anything or trying to get the other person to apologize. When you overlook an offense, you simply choose to do nothing, say nothing, and get no revenge. If at all possible, this is what a husband must do if at all possible. Only when you cannot let something go should you move to the point of telling your wife what they have done to offend you and ask them to apologize.

Can Your Forgive?
If you cannot overlook an offense, you should sit down with your wife and talk to her about what she has done to offend you. In doing so you should avoid unjust accusations or berating her. Simply sit down and explain the problem. Don’t expect her to respond in that moment and give her time to process what you have talked about.

Then, if your wife comes to you and apologizes, you must remember the words of the Apostle Paul in Ephesians. “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” When you come to God in simple faith and ask him to forgive you, he does. Because lived the perfect life you could not live and died the death you should have died, you can be forgiven. This forgiveness is full and free. God does not make you beg for forgiveness or prove that you will never fail again.
In the same way, husbands you must forgive your wives when they wrong you. You will ask them to forgive you when you wrong them, and you must be willing to offer the same forgiveness. Do not make her earn your forgiveness and do not withhold it as punishment. Forgive freely as you have been freely forgiven. This means you will no longer dwell on this offense and will not bring it back up to her or to anyone else.

A beautiful thing happens in marriage when you forgive in this way. There will be no unresolved issues between you and there will be no lingering bitterness. Asking for and granting forgiveness becomes one of the most important aspects of your marriage because you clear away the garbage between you and walk in joy towards each other. This kind of forgiveness both increases your joy in marriage and brings glory to God and his forgiveness.

Related Posts:
“Why the Bible Doesn’t Have Much ‘Marriage Advice’”
“What Happens When Your Marriage Doesn’t Have an Eject Button”

For Further Reading:
Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas
The Meaning of Marriage by Tim Keller
The Mingling of Souls by Matt Chandler
When Sinners Say “I Do” by Dave Harvey