Who’s the Pagan Pope? You Are!

Congratulations! As a Pagan you are automatically the final authority due to the principle of Autonomy, and are therefore a Pagan Pope. Being a Pagan Pope is a great responsibility, and do not allow the great number of Pagan Popes lead you to treat your position cavalierly. You speak for all of Pagandom and must not let any lapse escape your notice and correction.

Tolerance must be protected at all costs, along with Autonomy. Be vigilant against those who express preferences lest they be intolerant; do not allow criticism, opinion or considered dislike to go unchecked. Each person’s spiritual autonomy must be preserved, so let none stray from the path of tolerance. As each Pagan is a Pope, and each Pope speaks for all of Pagandom, allow no deviation from the norm.

Carefully censor and correct all personal views until they match the homogenized whole. Insure all personal views and experiences are prefaced by a hefty disclaimer instructing the audience that this is not really representative of Pagandom.

Be ever careful of vocabulary. Believing, expressing, practicing and expounding monotheistic ideals is fine, but any use of language that is reminiscent of monotheism or the use of monotheistic scripture or mythos is to be stood against by every Pagan Pope.

Be ever vigilant of perceived privilege or “otherness.” Assume an agenda on the part of any Pagan Pope who is white, straight, married, poly, hispanic, female, liberal, black, feminist, young, conservative, transgendered, living, educated, male, childless, single, gay, old or a parent. These Popes are most likely to violate Tolerance and Autonomy with their indiviudal agendas. Be certain to remind them of their perceived biases and how they invalidate that Pope’s pronouncements.

Take note that debating the ideas of another Pagan Pope is not very effective in maintaining Tolerance and Autonomy. Though their logic may make intolerance seem reasonable and their instructive discourse may seem to challenge the egalitarian foundations of Autonomy, the best course of action is to attack their person. Name-calling, criticisms regarding their appearance, suggesting they deserve bad luck, threatening violence, wildly reinterpreting their words to imbue them with malicious intent, speaking with a patronizing tone and accusing them of endorsing atrocious crimes is quite effective. Referencing Nazis, misogny, the Inquisition and economic poverty are generally quite effective. Threatening hexes, malicious gossip or even death can prove quite effective, but beware of being charged with extortion, making terroristic threats or making death threats. Even Pagan Popes can be visited by police bearing forum and e-mail print-outs.

As a Pagan Pope it is your job to guard against declarative statements, passion, energy, certainty, boldness, individuality and anything else that restricts our freedom to believe precisely what we like. Take your position seriously, devote countless hours to it and give no quarter.

For safety’s sake, try to limit your Pope activities to the internet, as regulating the other Popes can prove disastrous in real life. Do not despair at having your realm so limited. At any given time, someone is wrong on the internet.