Fresh Snark: What I’d Love To See On Showtime’s “Polyamory: Married And Dating” (Possibly NSFW)

I had a day full of errands yesterday and more today, so I’m not going to get into any heavy topics today. However, I have been thinking about Showtime’s Polyamory: Married and Dating, simultaneously dreading and looking forward to the next episode. So I’ve been thinking about what I’d love to see on the show this week. Some folks were a bit confused about the snark warning in the title, so if you don’t like it when I’m mean then I highly recommend you go check out the in-depth serious reviews by Jessica Karels over on ModernPoly.com (who are looking for poly writers).

So here is my pie-in-the-sky wishlist for Showtime’s Polyamory: Married and Dating:

Michael and Tahl get a haircut. I think Tahl could rock a mohawk pretty hard, and Michael might look hotter with a bit of a Marine haircut. Hooah!
Anthony grows a goatee. And pierces his septum.
In the middle of a morning house meeting Jen tells everyone to go to hell, heads to the mall by herself, shops for shoes, gets her hair and nails did (she should dye her hair a flaming red color to give her a sass boost), eats a huge slice of cheesecake, and then chills out at a movie by herself, sipping some whiskey from a flask hidden in her jacket. When she comes back home a sassy redhead with her girls supported by Victoria Secrets finest, sporting some dominatrix boots, smelling slightly of whiskey and a “Don’t mess with me” look on her face, the pod know they will never be able to steamroll her again.
Oh, and she should bring home a rather disreputable looking rocker dude in leather pants, covered in tattoos and a chin full of fresh stubble. As she drags him to her bedroom she should call back that Tahl will need to bunk with Kamala and Michael tonight, ’cause mama’s gettin’ some. When Tahl mentions that this makes him uncomfortable and angry the next day, Jen should respond that she has a hard time taking his feelings seriously when he fails to take hers seriously. Then she should should make it clear that if she doesn’t want someone in her house, then they don’t come in the house. He can go grab coffee at Starbucks with his friend rather than making her intentionally uncomfortable in her own @$%#& home.
Kamala should spend a day in sweatpants, eating granola, swigging green tea and watching a Braxton Family Values marathon.
Michael should do an individual interview session discussing the profound emotional and spiritual revelation of receiving anal sex from a man.
Vanessa should look across the dinner table and just stare incredulously at Anthony and Lindsey as if she’s had a sudden realization, and tell them: “You are vapid, self-involved people, and that’s saying a lot coming from a hoochie dancer. I think I’m going to go to Comic-Con and see if I can’t find a more interesting couple to marry. ‘Cause the family that cosplays together, stays together.”
They should discuss their religious background. Are they Pagan? Atheist? Jewish? Christian? Scientologist? Really laid-back Amish from a liberal ordnung?
During the soft porn scenes they should play either Tenacious D’s “F**k Her Gently” or Jonathon Coulton’s “First of May.”
We need new peeps. How about a male-female-male triad in which two partners are polyfidelitious and one isn’t, and keeps bringing home strange women? Hijinks!
Tahl should get the hots for a sarcastic chubby woman with a visible mustache. She should be a cop who likes to crochet in her spare time.
An older couple made up of a beer-bellied bearded hippie, and his short-haired Pema Chodron-looking wife who are coming out of mourning for his male lover who passed last year. The wife is being supportive and encouraging him to date guys.
Four lesbians, all a bit plump and slightly butch, trying to be a supportive quad and start a rock band.
Single poly people. Particularly a woman seeking a polygamous marriage.
I feel bad for even writing this, but I kinda have this twisted desire to see Lindsey get slapped.
Michael should gain 20 lbs and the pod should have a heartfelt discussion about why this is unacceptable to them for sexy reasons.
Kamala should ask Jen to awkwardly make-out (because they always look awkward) and Jen should say she’d rather have real, honest-to-goodness sex.
How about some music from actual poly musicians, like Gaia Consort/Bone Poets Orchestra?