Christian Parenting Without Yelling

Mom bending down to table with two girls playing. — As Christian parents, we can be equipped by the Holy Spirit to not yell (most of the time). Image courtesy of IvoryMix.com.

As a Christian parent, do you yell at your kids? How do you feel after a harsh interaction? Would you like to be able to parent without yelling? Me, too, haha!

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Why Should I Quit Yelling?

When I look at the Gospels, Jesus was protective of children and the way people talked about them and to them. Jesus definitely got angry with some, but mostly was moved to compassion for those hurting, struggling, and especially, children. I don’t always treat my kids the way I know Jesus would.

As the primary discipler in my children’s life, and more importantly, as an image-bearer of the One True God, I want to reflect Him to my children to my best, though broken, ability. When I yell, I am not reflecting Him. I am reflecting my sinful nature.

Now, I am constantly repenting from and growing out of my desire to react with shouts and yelling. I do this because I want my kids to know Who God truly is. My hope is for them to see His character in me. I want them to experience what God’s discipline and grace feel like, so they will be able to discern the lies of the enemy.

These are the things I want them to know:

God is gentle.

He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young. Isaiah 40:11 NIV
By the humility and gentleness of Christ, I appeal to you… 2 Corinthians 10:1 NIV
Is his gentle word not enough? Job 15:11 NLT

Slow to Anger

The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love. Psalm 103:8 NIV
I knew that you are a gracious and compassionate God, slow to anger and abounding in love, a God who relents from sending calamity. Jonah 4:2 NIV
The Lord is slow to anger but great in power; the Lord will not leave the guilty unpunished. Nahum 1:3 NIV
The Lord is slow to anger, abounding in love and forgiving sin and rebellion. Numbers 14:18 NIV

His kindness leads us to repentance

Or do you despise the riches of his kindness, restraint, and patience, not recognizing that God’s kindness is intended to lead you to repentance? Romans 2:4

Another reason to stop shouting

Not, only does yelling at your kids teach a poor understanding of God and block my spiritual growth, but it also causes emotional and relational damage to your kids.

You may have heard it said that the way you talk (or yell) at your child becomes the way they will talk to themselves. It is true. We want our kids to be able to hear the gentle and grace-filled voice of the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit does convict and teach us but without shame. We can do that for our kids, too.

When Your kid yells back “Stop yelling at me!”

I am no perfect parent. I am a growing parent, and one of the most growing and convicting moments was when my oldest first stood up for herself and shouted back, “stop yelling at me!”

Ouch!

She was in the right. I was not reflecting God. I was not even reflecting the mom I want to be or knew I could be.

It stopped me in my tracks. I paused. I took a deep breath. Then prayed a quick prayer before apologizing.

I had to own it and take responsibility for my actions. So, I didn’t blame and I didn’t defend; I repented.

Is Parenting without Yelling Possible?

Yes, with the power of the Holy Spirit we can absolutely do it. It won’t happen overnight and you won’t be perfectly consistent. But, you can be a parent that doesn’t yell.

Here are two things that have helped me to move in the right direction:

Practice Self-Control

When I take responsibility for my yelling and don’t blame my kids, then I have room to grow and practice self-control and gentleness. These are fruit of the Spirit, so we don’t have to do it alone.

Here are a few verses I meditate and reflect on to help me:

A gentle answer deflects anger, but harsh words make tempers flare. Proverbs 15:1 NLT
Gentle words are a tree of life; a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit. Proverbs 15:4 NLT
But the wisdom from above is first of all pure. It is also peace loving, gentle at all times, and willing to yield to others. It is full of mercy and the fruit of good deeds. It shows no favoritism and is always sincere. James 3:17 NLT
For you will be treated as you treat others. The standard you use in judging is the standard by which you will be judged. “And why worry about a speck in your friend’s eye when you have a log in your own? How can you think of saying to your friend, ‘Let me help you get rid of that speck in your eye,’ when you can’t see past the log in your own eye? Matthew 7:2-4 NLT (I replace “friend” with “child.”)
Dear brothers and sisters, if another believer is overcome by some sin, you who are godly should gently and humbly help that person back onto the right path. And be careful not to fall into the same temptation yourself. Galatians 6:1 NLT

Enjoy my Kids and Play

When I can remind myself in the moment how much I like and enjoy my kids, I see them with God’s eyes. As I look at them through God’s eyes, my heart and words towards them change.

Play can de-escalate the situation, prevent sending your kids into fight or flight, and encourage cooperation. As well, it brings joy to the situation and heals relationships.

For the Lord your God is living among you. He is a mighty savior. He will take delight in you with gladness. With his love, he will calm all your fears. He will rejoice over you with joyful songs. Zephaniah 3:17 NLT
He led me to a place of safety; he rescued me because he delights in me. Psalm 18:19 NLT
For the Lord delights in his people; he crowns the humble with victory. Psalm 149:4 NLT
Where is another God like you, who pardons the guilt of the remnant, overlooking the sins of his special people? You will not stay angry with your people forever, because you delight in showing unfailing love. Micah 7:18 NLT

5 Tips to Yell Less

Let Go Of the Control You Don’t Have

Recognize you are only able to control yourself and your children are responsible for their actions. Quit trying to control them and encourage cooperation.

Emotions, Empathy, & Exercise

Identify your emotions and your child’s emotions. What is happening in your hearts? Practice empathy for yourself and your child. Move around, Connected Families says, “Motion changes emotion.”

Space

Pause, walk away if necessary, and regain your composure.

Smile & Sing

Put a smile on your face. It is harder to yell when you are smiling. If you need a release, sing your words. I don’t know all the science behind it, but I know the research is there and it works. You can learn more about the singing strategy in the book Peaceful Discipline by Sarah R. Moore.

Text of christian parenting without yelling tips — personal image

5 Tips to Enjoy Your Kids More Instead of Yelling

Pray

Call on the Holy Spirit to intercede and help you to delight in your kids.

Like a Robot

Use a robot voice and silliness. “Malfunction! Shoe robot can’t tie shoes not on feet. Error, error!”

Animals

Growl like an animal. It can provide you a way to express frustration in a non-scary way to your children. Plus, you will all probably burst into giggles and laughs. If everyone is feeling frustrated invite them to join you in the animal noises.

Yes Choices

What are some choices you can offer in the moment that will help encourage them to say yes and that you feel good about saying yes to? “Would you like me to buckle you into a submarine or rocket ship?” “Should we skip or walk sideways to the car?”

You Can Stop Shouting

Parents, you can do this! And, you don’t have to do it alone. The Holy Spirit is always with you guiding you.

Have grace with yourself, it doesn’t happen overnight! I know this from personal experience. But, I also know the faithfulness of God to show up and sanctify me in the parenting journey. He’ll do the same for you.