I’m OK with being ‘only a sister’

It didn’t hit me at first. I sat there during the Saturday Afternoon session of the most recent General Conference and listened to Jeffrey R. Holland’s praisefest of mothers, not thrilled at the exclusivity he was showing but digesting it nonetheless. It wouldn’t be until later that evening that the meltdown would come and I would wonder how to pull myself back together.

Before going to bed, I had the realization that when I joined the LDS Church 15 years ago this month, *I* had broken *my* mother’s heart, like how Elder Holland’s friend had broken his mother’s heart by leaving the Church, and that I’d never be able to make this up to her. The realization that I, as a single sister not getting any younger or any closer to being anything other than 30-something and alone, was not living up to what I would call ‘the purpose of the Church’, as defined by President Packer and as quoted in a subsequent talk on Sunday, “The ultimate end of all activity in the Church is that a man and his wife and their children might be happy at home, protected by the principles and laws of the gospel, sealed safely in the covenants of the everlasting priesthood.” (“The Power of the Priesthood,” April 2010 General Conference). I had greatly appreciated Elder Oaks’s defining of singleness as an affliction in his talk later in the Saturday Afternoon session, but as I sobbed in my bedroom that night, I realized the limited efficacy of this statement–the fact that naming a thing does not change its nature–and its ability to be combined with Elder Holland’s talk, at least in my mind, to give me such a feeling of failure and utter hopelessness as to render me unable to control my emotions enough to stop crying before I fell asleep.

I woke up Sunday morning, shell-shocked and fearful of watching any more Conference sessions. I really didn’t want to risk something else being said to touch off another episode like what I’d had the night before. At the same time, though, I wanted to hear the new Apostles speak, so I decided to risk it and watch. My recollection of Saturday night brought the sobs on again, though, and I had no idea how I was going to get them to stop. Then Russell M. Nelson stepped to the podium and everything in me changed.

Peace. Calm. The tears stopped and the validation came. I don’t think this was coincidental at all. Speaking to the women of the Church, regardless of their marital status, and being clear that all have traits needed to move things forward, was Balm in Gilead to me, and has led me to believe that this is the way women-focused talks need to be given from now on–not that they ever needed to be otherwise, of course, but I guess I just feel it more acutely now after the drama I endured when a certain group was singled out for considerable praise previously. Mothers are great and highly honored within the Church. We know that. But how many times have talks been given praising single sisters, widows, and divorcees only–focusing on their unique circumstances, their unique strengths, their unique roles? Love you dearly Elder Holland, but if you are going to praise one, you need to praise the rest.

Ideally, I would have the sisters of the Church be spoken to and spoken of together, as one group, irrespective of other identifying characteristics (marital status, childbearing status, etc.). I am just fine with being known as just a ‘sister,’ not a ‘single sister’ or any other categorization more specific than gender. I already know that I am that, just as much as a wife or mom knows she is those things. All of us have the same inheritance of qualities from Mother Eve, which President Nelson spoke to in his talk, so why not focus on what brings us together and brings us ALL joy and not on distinctions that make those who do not have a given title potentially feel less than those who do? It kind of reminds me of that Bruce R. McConkie talk, “Only an Elder”, where he disabuses us of the idea that such a title is somehow inferior and not worth mentioning. Maybe a talk can be given next Conference or sometime soon, “Only a Sister”? It needs to be understood that being identified as such is enough.

In the first place, women judge each other harshly enough as it is, and LDS culture treats those who are not married or do not have children with enough unkindness. We don’t need more General Conference talks to make those of us not in the praised group feel worse than we already do. We DO need more talks (and not a General Women’s Meeting talk, but one for the entirety of the Church) in which all women are shown that they are enough…that they are equal in status before God and the B/brethren…that they are whole from the beginning. We need more President Nelson-type messages, if for no other reason than the fact that there are more and more women in the Church living outside the ideal situation.

Another realization that needs to be had is that talks that focus on mothers don’t just hurt single women. They hurt childless married women too. Any woman who is in circumstances that do not allow her to be a mother is made to ache on some level when those who have achieved the coveted status are so recognized as they were by Elder Holland this last time. I know he was not being purposefully insensitive, but that doesn’t change the fact that a lot of sisters who have learned to expect bread from his talks were shocked to be given a stone this time. At the same time, though, I can honestly say that I saw the hand of God at work in this situation, though, because the pain I (and probably quite a few other women) felt from that talk was ameliorated the next morning by President Nelson’s. We were not without recompense, and I am so grateful that was the case.

I did not think the end of the line I started drawing that Saturday night was going to end up in a good place, but he made sure that it did, thank God. It shouldn’t have come to this, though. It shouldn’t have taken a huge tender mercy of a talk to turn off my waterworks. They shouldn’t have started in the first place. Women in all life situations deserve praise. Church members in all life situations who remain true to the faith in spite of daunting obstacles and crushing loss or lack deserve praise. Please, Brethren, understand this enough to act. Please, speak to the sisters as just that — sisters. I promise you it is enough.