They ooze sugar, spice, and everything nice, while keeping their fingers crossed behind their backs.
I am talking about women with a Nice-Nasty complex.
The Nice-Nasty complex has a particular expression of passive-aggressiveness, whereby one draws on largely heteropatriarchal gender performativity by using “niceness” to cover toxic behaviors. Women with this complex are masters of creating a public persona of niceness and innocence, as they confuse their targets with bursts of mean-spirited behavior.
In private, the laughing, smiling, and cordial sunshine and lollipops persona turns into guillotines and dungeons. I continue to come across more people who share similar experiences and often find ridiculous responses from Church folks, friends, family, or colleagues.
I believe the more we expose these behaviors, the better people will be equipped to discern, detect, and act with more wisdom. In this post, I identify this Nice-Nasty complex, share one of my experiences, and discuss the power of disengaging them.
Although women with a Nice-Nasty complex might publicly express care and love for you, you detect something foul at work. Often, women with a Nice-Nasty complex pretend to be sincere and kind, knowing it will increase the likelihood of connection.
With this space of intimacy, instead of cherishing it, these women use it in attempt to exert control through manipulation, belittling, back-stabbing…front-stabbing. They interlace back-handed compliments and subtle insults with proclamations of care.
Some will go so far as to say that their insults and name-calling are attempts to help you. If they are Christian, they will try to convince you that their toxicity is from the love of Jesus in their hearts.
It is more like the love of Judas Iscariot.
Furthermore, women with the Nice-Nasty complex who exhibit niceness as a way to get what they want from you, turn nasty when their performance falls flat. Like Bully-Victims, the Nice-Nasty do not respect boundaries. When you set a boundary, the veneer of little jabs poorly disguised as niceness will break to reveal the full spectrum of their true colors.
When women are stuck in Nice-Nasty complex, it is not about you. Typically, these individuals are trapped in some form of pain and trauma, so much so that they look for people they perceive as having empathy and kindness to be an outlet for their negativity.
Sometimes women with a Nice-Nasty complex go the nasty route to elicit a feeling of control and worth in their lives.
Unfortunately, they have misplaced power and strength.
Because women with a Nice-Nasty complex construct this identity through deception, they are not invested in creating authentic relationships.
You’re A Joke: A Nice-Nasty Encounter
Weeks ago, I was on the phone with a relative who has consistently demonstrated the Nice-Nasty complex. An issue with a person of mutual relationship brought us into contact. Otherwise, I wouldna bothered.
Given that I had not spoken with this person for a while, she attempted to lure me back with a more over the top performance of niceness. Now, I have been up and down the beaten path and around the world tonight (Hello, Lisa Stanfield) with this person enough to see through what she was doing.
If I was unfamiliar with the how the Nice-Nasty game works, I would have easily become sucked back into thinking that the person had changed. I think she sensed that I was not falling for the emotional bait because I simply listened without comment.
Suddenly, she switched the topic and went into a sharp diatribe.
“You know you’re a joke. You’re just a joke…”
She ranted about different ways she perceived that I was a joke, trying to draw me into an altercation.
I smiled, as I thought, “There it is.”
I redirected the conversation by asking the question based on the original purpose of the call. Shortly thereafter, I ended the call.
This person failed to realize that I do not respect her opinion of me. She did not realize that unlike the past, I believe that not all blood folk are kinfolk.
Life is Nicer Without Nice-Nastiness
You are not missing out on anything genuinely beautiful by trying to create relationships with women who play Nice-Nasty games with you. You are speaking two different languages:
One fights for lies; One seeks truth.
I have yet to have a moment where I thought, “Aww, I really miss the way Susie would throw in humiliating remarks whenever we were together.” Besides, we are not here to be anyone’s savior.
When it comes to women with a Nice-Nasty complex, consider giving them the name of a good psychologist or counselor. Like the rest of us who choose the path of healing, they can pay a therapist to save them. You are not obligated to keep women with a Nice-Nasty complex in your life.
You are not obligated by the Father, Son, Holy Ghost, Mary, Joseph, Jumpin’ Jehoshaphat, Keisha, Kesha, Pookie, Ray-Ray an’ ‘nem, John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt, Peter, Paul, Mary, Moses, Matthew, Mark, Luke, Uncle Luke, John, and Lil Jon.
It is your choice.
When you stand for goodness and respect in your life, you open up room for more of it. If you willingly welcome garbage behavior into your life, no matter how you try to justify it, your warped halo will keep you in misery.
You are worthy of love and respect. What is important to know is that when you accept these behaviors from people and agree to the dynamic, you send a message to God and the Universe that you are unworthy of love. I have been fortunate to encounter absolutely loving people who encourage and challenge me from an authentic place of care.
So, when women with a Nice-Nasty complex try to latch onto you in faux relationship, nip it in the bud, Sister.
Bless these women with a hearty, “Girl, bye,” with the quickness.