Dancing with the Devil: Memoirs of an Ex-Christian

Dancing with the Devil: Memoirs of an Ex-Christian December 11, 2016

In 2012, aged 24, I decided to write my life story to date. I was paranoid about losing memories that I had once blanked out, so I started to write my story on 1st November 2012. I was inspired by NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) so I decided to just write down all that I could remember during the month of November, with the challenge to write 50 thousand words in 30 days.

It was not difficult to start writing on that 1st November, I started from the beginning, with my earliest memories. These memories were so early that I wondered if they even were memories or simply stories that I had once been told about myself that had entrenched themselves in my mind as if they were actual memories. I wrote them anyway. It felt strange allowing myself to remember as I had found many memories about my childhood too painful to think about before and now I was writing it all down, describing in detail the images in my mind. The first few days were easy enough but as the days went on it became harder to describe the memories from my timeline.

Despite how difficult it was trawling through forgotten moments and unearthing memories once intentionally buried, I continued to the end of November and managed to hit the 50K word count. It helped me to process all that had happened to me and I am probably in a better mental state now because of it.

When I decided to write my story, it was because I was afraid of losing memories but also because I wanted to figure out what I believed now and who I was. Sounds dramatic but that was how it was. I had come to the realisation that summer that I no longer believed in god anymore and I felt somewhat disorientated, I didn’t really know who I was. I had been a christian for 24 years and every part of my life had been influenced by my beliefs. It helped me to think about who I was then.

I have been thinking a lot about that memoir recently, seeing a psychologist has a tendency to make me think about my past and how I can change the way I act or think now, so that I am happier and feel more in control. I am going to go back to the beginning again, this time here on my blog, it is time to retake the trip down memory lane.

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