When the New Year arrived I made wishful resolutions and have been successful in keeping to most of my plans. I have been vegan for 10 days and have been to the gym a few times, but I have not been free, quite the opposite.
I decided at the end of the year that I would make this blog semi anonymous for a while. I haven’t completely eradicated any signs of who I am — if you make a little effort you can find out, and those of you who have followed me from the start will know my name. I have simply changed my name on the blog to Dancing Devil so that my name isn’t one of the first things people see while I get my head straight and figure out what I want.I have decided to hide my name for a while because of the fear of what friends and family may think if they saw this blog. That fear was holding me back from writing. I have hoped that this decision would help me to feel better able to write what I really think and to be more honest about what is on my mind, without hurting or alienating people that I care about.
The intention was to feel free from worry, free to write what I want to write and free to be me. It takes a lot for me to blog, to share part of my mind and to open up myself to being criticised or told that I am evil. It takes a lot out of me, worrying that people I care about may dislike me for my honesty on this blog, and sometimes that thought paralyses me from being able to pick up my laptop and share the thoughts that are exploding in my head.
Although I feel a little weight has been lifted, I feel like I have taken a step back into a time where I felt I had to hide who I was and what I thought, when I felt that I needed to be ashamed of who I was. It could be defined as a step backwards, but for now I see it as necessary for me to feel comfortable blogging and I won’t pressure myself into changing it until I am fully ready.
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