It’s time you met the real me

It’s time you met the real me October 28, 2017

IMG_9473

I have always struggled to find where I fit in, I have tried to fit in to so many organisations, so many friendship groups, so many careers, but I have not ever truly succeeded in fitting in to any of them. I have tried to fit in to a particular group so much so that I have created separate identities for myself, sub identities that are never fully the real whole version of me. For example, most recently I was an Inclusion and Diversity Leader within an organisation but at the same time living a separate life as an artist. Before that I was a leader of a student Humanist movement whilst living another life as a Programme Coordinator.

The reason I create these identities is to feel accepted by others and feel validated within a defined group. But that doesn’t tend to happen. Instead I only feel more isolated. I worked so hard to be part of a group that doesn’t know how hard I worked to be one of them, so they never acknowledge that, because, well, why should they?! I am seeking approval from people who don’t even know I was seeking approval from. It is a disaster waiting to happen. Evidently I am going to feel awful, isolated and subsequently disconnected from the group I wanted to be a part of.

I am now not part of many groups, because I don’t cope well with group culture and I don’t want to fall into the same pattern of trying to belong, seeking approval from the group, not getting it and then feeling terrible. So I don’t have that group issue anymore, but the issue I do have is with all those left over identities that I had created and that feeling of needing to belong but not belonging. I have had enough of it all.

I have decided to combine my identities into whatever and whoever I am.

I am fed up being this disjointed person who reveals only certain parts of myself when I feel safe. Enough of this waiting to feel safe, because that day will never really come.

So here it goes…

I am Ruth, I am from Northern Ireland and I was a Christian but now I am an atheist. I studied French and Spanish at university, I did various jobs after university but none of them really felt quite right. I recently left my job to set myself up as a Knitting and Crochet Designer. I design knitting and crochet inspired by my awe of the universe and my atheist beliefs. I call myself a Whimsical Humanist Knitting and Crochet Designer and go by the name Knittwittowo (pronounce it with a tiny pause where the hyphens are Knit-Twit-To-Wo).  I sell knitted Flying Spaghetti Monsters, along with knitted globes!

So now you know about my other identity, I am a knitting and crochet designer making knitted FSMs . I didn’t share this with you before because I felt like I had to keep it all separate for some reason, but all that has done is create this weird split personality in me that has prevented me from fully being a whole person.

As I have been setting up my business and finding my feet as a Knitting and Crochet Designer, I realised that all my designs came to me when I was an atheist and the way I got through my deconversion was by knitting through it. Deconverting was hard going but knitting helped me to find meaning in a world that was new to me. My designs all have a story that I need to share.

Now you know who I really am and I feel like the two main sides of me are now finally merging.

"Atheism has been around longer than since the dawn of man. Dinosaurs didn't believe in ..."

My Christian Values
"Hmm, woo thinking? Atheism hasnt been around since the dawn of man. it s been ..."

My Christian Values
"Please learn statistics. If you do enough trials, 1%, or 0.1%, or 0.001% effect will ..."

Bomb The Clouds: Cause God Won’t ..."
"That was a heart felt blog. Thank you for sharing it." * I struggle to ..."

The Brain F**k : A Pastor ..."

Browse Our Archives

TRENDING AT PATHEOS Nonreligious
What Are Your Thoughts?leave a comment