I have always struggled to find where I fit in, I have tried to fit in to so many organisations, so many friendship groups, so many careers, but I have not ever truly succeeded in fitting in to any of them. I have tried to fit in to a particular group so much so that I have created separate identities for myself, sub identities that are never fully the real whole version of me. For example, most recently I was an Inclusion and Diversity Leader within an organisation but at the same time living a separate life as an artist. Before that I was a leader of a student Humanist movement whilst living another life as a Programme Coordinator.
The reason I create these identities is to feel accepted by others and feel validated within a defined group. But that doesn’t tend to happen. Instead I only feel more isolated. I worked so hard to be part of a group that doesn’t know how hard I worked to be one of them, so they never acknowledge that, because, well, why should they?! I am seeking approval from people who don’t even know I was seeking approval from. It is a disaster waiting to happen. Evidently I am going to feel awful, isolated and subsequently disconnected from the group I wanted to be a part of.
I am now not part of many groups, because I don’t cope well with group culture and I don’t want to fall into the same pattern of trying to belong, seeking approval from the group, not getting it and then feeling terrible. So I don’t have that group issue anymore, but the issue I do have is with all those left over identities that I had created and that feeling of needing to belong but not belonging. I have had enough of it all.
I have decided to combine my identities into whatever and whoever I am.
I am fed up being this disjointed person who reveals only certain parts of myself when I feel safe. Enough of this waiting to feel safe, because that day will never really come.
I am Ruth, I am from Northern Ireland and I was a Christian but now I am an atheist. I studied French and Spanish at university, I did various jobs after university but none of them really felt quite right. I recently left my job to set myself up as a Knitting and Crochet Designer. I design knitting and crochet inspired by my awe of the universe and my atheist beliefs. I call myself a Whimsical Humanist Knitting and Crochet Designer and go by the name Knittwittowo (pronounce it with a tiny pause where the hyphens are Knit-Twit-To-Wo). I sell knitted Flying Spaghetti Monsters, along with knitted globes!
So now you know about my other identity, I am a knitting and crochet designer making knitted FSMs . I didn’t share this with you before because I felt like I had to keep it all separate for some reason, but all that has done is create this weird split personality in me that has prevented me from fully being a whole person.
As I have been setting up my business and finding my feet as a Knitting and Crochet Designer, I realised that all my designs came to me when I was an atheist and the way I got through my deconversion was by knitting through it. Deconverting was hard going but knitting helped me to find meaning in a world that was new to me. My designs all have a story that I need to share.
Now you know who I really am and I feel like the two main sides of me are now finally merging.