Vacation Bible School Ends with Twitter War

Vacation Bible School Ends with Twitter War September 2, 2019

***ATTENTION*** This is the same as the post published earlier today, except that this one has comments enabled.  Technical snafu – sorry for the confusion.

Editor’s Note: With Labor day, comes the end of summer and thus the end of Vacation Bible School. It seems like the memories of VBS  that stick the most involve Kool-Aid and cookies.  Still, the stories are memorable, too and the 21stcentury, secular twists on them are priceless!  This lesson has been published for VBS at The Rational Doubt Blog before, but, of course, Bible stories (unlike Tweets)  live forever./Linda LaScola, Editor

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By Fresh LA

When I think of VBS, I think of cheap cookies, Dixie cups filled with lukewarm Kool-Aid, cartoon characters narrating familiar bible stories in a comedic fashion, and a plethora of quirky, catchy jingles.

As an adult looking back now, I see why it was necessary to serve snacks and large doses of G-rated humor when telling R-rated bible stories to children involving mass genocide, deep sea monsters and human sacrifice.

In the modern age, many adults prefer to gloss over the morbid details of these troubling tales by assigning metaphors that are rich with mystical meaning. But this doesn’t work for kids. Cartoons and Kool-Aid are preferred.

One disturbing story that is often passed over in VBS is actually found in the oldest book of the bible — The Book of Job

Though it’s largely considered to be adult-only material, it occurred to me the other day there might be a way to share it with a younger audience, especially those with mad social-media skills.

A TWITTER-TELLING OF THE BOOK OF JOB

God likes to start every day by rising early and tweeting something informative and inspirational for his millions of followers. And they love to wake up each day to the glorious ding of his “Daily Tweet.” Promptly, they flood social media with thousands of likes, retweets and countless hashtags.

Recently, the Twitter world was embroiled by a war of tweets between God and his number one critic, Satan. Prior to the scuffle, social media had been all abuzz with speculation concerning the JOBS REPORT soon to be released. This was something God did annually to provide proof of his promises and inspire loyalty among his base.

Late one night, sensing an opportunity to troll God, Satan tweeted:

JOBS WEAK! May seem strong like the ocean tides. BEWARE! Hidden hazards below the surface. #Shallow #Shipwreck #ThreeHourTour

Early the next morning, God was awakened by the annoying sound of DING! DING! DING! When he saw Satan’s tweet, he was incensed! Immediately, he shouted to his kitchen staff,

“Hold the figs and roasted lamb! Breakfast must wait! I! MUST!! TWEET!!!”

Reaching deep into the well of his all-knowingness and timeless wisdom, he tweeted out the following:

Satan is no friend of JOBS! When it comes to sailing, he’s never sailed anything but a dinghy! #BELIEVEME! #Gilligan #FakeNews

Immediately, his devoted followers sprang into action. Within the hour, they launched the hashtag #FRIENDSOFJOBS and started tagging frantically. Soon many other hashtags appeared such as:

#SatanISaTroll #SmoothSailing #JUSTBELIEVE! #SayNoToMutiny #MermaidsAreReal #SatanHazzaTinyDinghy

With the pertinent topic of JOBS caught in the crossfire, Satan’s followers responded with their own dissenting hashtags:

#JUSTBELIEVEWHAT? #RememberTheTitanic, #SaveTheWhales #UnderPaidSailors #SwampNotOcean, #aMermaidBitMyUncle #TinyDinghiesMatter

All morning long the Twitter war escalated with both sides tagging questionable facts in their support. So, before his healthy kosher lunch was served, God decided to weigh back in with a bonus “Daily Tweet”

#CaptainTinyDinghy is a penniless pirate! I’m the Admiral of the High Seas! #BELIEVEME! #FavorableWinds #TreasureIsland

Inspired, his devotees immediately provided additional hashtags:

#RaisetheSails #SmoothSeas #SwabDaPoopdeck #BrokePirate #CashBooty #LooseLipsSinkShips #iKissedaMermaid&LikedIt

As everyone knows, social media can be very messy, and so it is with this story. The Twitter war raged on for days. As it concerned JOBS, neither side showed much interest. The real inspiration was found in who was tweeting what!

Eventually, God brought the melee to an end by introducing new security measures and locking Satan’s account for a short probationary period. This censorship was controversial, but the reasoning behind it was one even a child could understand:

#TheDevilMadeMeDoIt

Shortly thereafter, the Twitter-World found a new obsession. Apparently, a woman had been serving tainted garden salads and making everyone sick!

#Don’tTrustVegans #SaladsSuck #EatSTEAK!

A week later, the beef industry reported record profits and launched a hashtag of their own:

#GrillMarksSaveLives.

Thus ends the VBS story of The Book of Job – until Jehovah’s twitter finger gets itchy again.

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Bio: “Fresh LA”is a child of the 70s who grew up northeast of St. Louis, MO. His life journey involved a two-century old family farm, a mid-west bible college, almost 30 years of church planting in the northeast and responsibilities as a professional evangelical adviser, nationally and abroad. These days, he’s content to work as a project manager by day, and at night, blog about his past and present experiences as a human, nothing more and nothing less. To learn more, visit http://www.freshLA.me.

>>>>>>Photo credits:  By Ilya Repin – http://lj.rossia.org/users/john_petrov/854534.html, Public Domain, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=2538610


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  • mason

    Hmmm … yes their is indeed a Twitter aspect to the mythical conversations of the … so now I’ll also start assessing Greek mythology as Twitter talk … hmmm … thanks LA for the cookies-Kool-Aid memories, we always got Orange, thank goodness it wasn’t purple.

  • Die Anyway

    I never understood why my Sunday School teachers thought the story of Job was a good one. It made God look like such an ash whole and Job came off as suffering from Stockholm Syndrome.