The Bible (TL;DR Version)

The Bible (TL;DR Version) November 18, 2014

GENESIS

God: All right, you two, don't do the one thing. Other than that, have fun.

Adam & Eve: Okay.

Satan: You should do the thing.

Adam & Eve: Okay.

God: What happened!?

Adam & Eve: We did the thing.

God: Guys

THE REST OF THE OLD TESTAMENT

God: You are my people, and you should not do the things.

People: We won't do the things.

God: Good.

People: We did the things.

God: Guys

THE GOSPELS

Jesus: I am the Son of God, and even though you have done the things, the Father and I still love you and want you to live. Don't do the things anymore.

Healed people: Okay! Thank you!

Other people: We've never seen him do the things, but he probably does the things when no one is looking.

Jesus: I have never done the things.

Other people: We're going to put you on trial for doing the things.

Pilate: Did you do the things?

Jesus: No.

Pilate: He didn't do the things.

Other people: Kill him anyway.

Pilate: Okay.

Jesus: Guys

PAUL'S LETTERS

People: We did the things.

Paul: Jesus still loves you, and because you love Him, you have to stop doing the things.

People: Okay.

PAUL'S LETTERS PART II

People: We did the things again.

Paul: Guys

REVELATION

John: When Jesus comes back, there will be no more people who do the things. In the meantime, stop doing the things.

THE END

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What Are Your Thoughts?leave a comment
  • Bethany

    I like, except for the whole “Bible doesn’t say snake was Satan” thing.

    • buricco

      Well, it was only in the Apocalypse of John, around 100 AD, that the idea was even brought up…

  • Stephen Abbott

    Paul would be more like: “You’re okay if you just say few simple words and merely believe the stuff I say about the Risen Christ – whom I saw in visions – because you can’t really help doing the things, because of Adam and Eve.” (Calvinist and Evangelical edition.)

  • Not sure Christ was killed because they thought he did the things, probably more likely he was killed because he pointed out the people that were doing the things and they were powerful and didn’t like it.

    • Bethany

      I get the impression that a widespread feeling is that he probably was killed for some variation of claiming to be “King of the Jews” which would be a challenge to Roman authority, esp. during the always-volatile Passover festival.

  • Roy E. Ciampa

    Wait, are people saying that this little comical piece doesn’t have all the correct theological nuances? That’s surprising! It remains funny nevertheless.

    • a_w_young

      they’re doing the things.

  • ccws

    And the people read Wikkidpedia and said:

  • Andrew Basden

    Great idea to put the Bible in tl;dr form. But this attempts shows God as stingy, and it emphasises ‘the thing’ rather too much, and withoit letting people know what ‘the thing’ is that is so centrally bad. So I have tried to improve on it a bit at “http://abxn.org/bible.300.html”
    See if you like it.

    • The Mouse Avenger

      I saw it; very good! 🙂