Assault in Academia: My Meeting at RCA, Part 5

by Andre E. Johnson
R3 Editor

Thank you for your email. I would have responded sooner, but I attended another conference right after NCA and arrived home late Tuesday night. However, I do not know if I would have responded right away even if I had the time because frankly, I am still trying to process why would you assault me anyway! 

First, you said that your “head smack” was meant with endearment as your “brothers and cousins often tease and enjoy each other.” (Name), I have never heard such a thing in my life! Moreover, even so, I AM NOT ONE OF YOUR BROTHERS OR COUSINS! We are not family and furthermore, we do not know each other. Again, I must ask, what in the world made you think that you could hit me ANYWHERE on my person? You are right, however, it was unprofessional within that context, but for us, it would be unprofessional in any context, because again, we do not know each other! 

Truthfully, it is hard for me to accept this line of thinking anyway, because if you saw, as you wrote, Denise and I “both enjoying the moment,” I noticed that you did not smack her upside the head. In other words, if we both were enjoying the moment and having fun, why didn’t you feel the need to show her “endearment” and smack her upside the head? I for one am glad you did not, but why did you singled me out for your special type of “teasing?” 

Secondly, the smack came right after I announced again to the body that I was withdrawing my name from consideration for the second VP position. Your assault indicated to me that you did not like my decision (which again, is an odd way of showing support). The assault came from your “standing” position as I was sitting. It came as a shock and surprise. It signified to me that you thought I was some sort of dunce, dummy, or at least not intelligent enough to make a decision that Denise and I talked about before the meeting even started. Your “smack” demeaned, humiliated, embarrassed and angered me greatly.

Moreover, (name), we cannot (and I will not allow) this moment to pass without mentioning the obvious—you as a white man slapped me, a black man in a condescending and paternalistic way. This probably hurts the most because truthfully, it took every ounce of my teaching and belief in non-violence and my call as a minister to sit in that chair and not to get up and slap you back. As I sat there fuming, counting to ten, trying to understand what happened, asking myself did this just happen, I also realized something else. I felt angry—and no one in that room understood what I was going through other than the two (African American) men that attended the meeting with me. (Name), I realized at that moment that if I would have retaliated, I would have been the one who was wrong; the “big black man” (or some other word) at NCA acting up and not being “civilized.” You assaulting me first would have gone by the wayside, as others would have been rushing to your aid offering you help, help that by the way, I did not receive.

So after I gathered myself and brushed back your weak, ineffective, and quite frankly pitiful attempts at an apology (“I was just playing,” “It wasn’t that hard,” “Okay you can hit me back,”) I just left the meeting. Even in leaving, I felt bad because it felt like I was running away because I could not deal with the bully. However, if I would have dealt with your bullying—verbally or otherwise, I would have come off as “problematic,” “emotional,” “angry,” “hard to deal with,” or any other words people throw around when African Americans a

ctually speak up to express themselves. 

Finally, the first and last parts of your email shock me. Your words shock me because you ASSUME that I would want to continue serving and working with RCA. Please follow me here; after you assault me, humiliate and demean me, you still EXPECT me to work with you and the organization? What about my feelings; are they valid? Should I just grin, forget this happen, just smile, and continue my work with RCA and you? That (name) has to be the most insulting thing in the email (among others). It’s the equivalent of the battered spouse expected to come back home and submit to the treatment without any acknowledgment of the pain and hurt she or he caused. 

(Name), to let you know, I do not know if I will offer to serve with RCA in the future. I am still processing what happened to me. In addition, Janie Fritz did reach out to me and I will talk to her as well. She was instrumental in getting me to come and participate in RCA in the first place. (Name), I am beginning to question however, if you or even the whole of RCA wants me as a member. It did not go unnoticed that outside of myself and the two friends I asked to attend that there was no other person of color in that room that day. Were you attempting to send me the message that I am not really wanted?

In addition, I would also hope that an apology would come from you via the list-serve. Why? While this email was a private correspondence to me, your “smack” took place publicly. I think an apology to the body is in order and while you may want to keep this between us, I do not. Therefore, I do hope to see your apology coming through the list-serve.

In closing, I do not expect you to understand how I feel. I am sure you will disagree on the way I feel and think I am blowing this out of proportion. However, I do understand why you would see it that way. It is the same thinking allowed you to think that it was okay to assault me in the first place. (Name), do you see me as a person with feelings, with emotions, or do you only see me with the emotions and feelings you ascribe to me? Nevertheless, I am not asking you to understand, but I am asking you to at least hear me and affirm my feelings. In short, at least see that I have them. Then maybe we can start on the road of forgiveness and hopefully reconciliation.