The worst song ever was actually by an atheist

The worst song ever was actually by an atheist November 30, 2011

Ed Brayton accidentally launched an epic comment thread last week when he discussed his least favorite songs. I hate to tell you all, the worst song of all time is actually by an atheist.

Don’t avert your eyes. Make yourself watch it.

Jimmy Buffett – Fruitcakes

I used to work in a used CD store in a sleepy Florida town. Our favorite thing to do was to get buzzed and try to find the worst song in the entire store. We played this game for months.

We had a multi-disc changer so that music would always be playing, even after the first disc ended. So what started as a joke, turned into a wost-off tradition. The only rule was ‘nothing bad on purpose’.

B-sides of Paula Abdul remix single’s, obscure 80’s Central American wannabe synth-crooners, even music sold by German tourists (like David Hasslehoff)… Every few days we found a new champion.

When we discovered Fruitcakes… it remained champion (?) until I stopped working there. Several months, at least. You can’t win ’em all, atheists.

Oh, and I think this Soviet guy is statistically somewhat likely to be an atheist too:

Though this is not ‘bad on purpose’, deep cuts from YouTube also seem to violate the spirit of the game. Jimmy Buffett still ‘wins’.

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What Are Your Thoughts?leave a comment
  • Chris Ho-Stuart

    But, but, … I liked it! I’m still grinning.

    • Justin Griffith

      Mea Culpa Mea Culpa, Mea Maxima Culpa… Indeed.

    • Killer

      I love it!!

    • Aquaria

      I think it’s a kinda fun song. Had me laughing, anyway. Good ol’ Jimmy. I can see the Parrotheads dancing like mad at the concert already.

  • Sorry Justin, as a confirmed Parrothead, “Fruitcakes” is one of my favorite songs. And I’m not sure that deep in his heart Jimmy doesn’t believe in God. I will agree that he doesn’t believe in organized religion. And if you think the “characters” in this video are weird, you should see the people that come to his concerts and tailgate. If any one is interested check out Margaritaville dot com and look at the videos posted there.

    • Justin Griffith

      You should see the Parrot Heads beating me up on Facebook right now. They’re pretty funny.

  • Gaaaaaaahhh. That is all.

  • Midnight Rambler

    Seriously? I don’t like it, but it’s way, way, far from the worst. At least I got halfway through this one before it just got kind of boring; if it was background music I’d probably be too lazy to turn it off. I live in a place where the best radio stations play about 70% crap (the rest are 100%), and there are a lot of songs I have to scramble to turn off immediately.

  • F

    Don’t avert your eyes. Make yourself watch it.

    It’s already remarkable that I’m still on this page after seeing the words Jiminy Buffet. I don’t want to push my luck, and get all Jimmy-rolled.

  • Mr. Upright

    Sorry, this is the worst song of all time:

    “Come with me my sweet

    Let’s go make a family

    And they will bring us joy

    For always.”

    I rest my case.

    • Aquaria

      Oh, come on “Always”? That’s nothing!

      Here, try these songs:

      Mine is (Oh Ho Ho It’s) Magic, by Pilot.

      Yeah, it was fucking magic, all right. Whenever that song came on the radio, my radio somehow ended up turned off!

      Here are the lyrics. Ready?

      Never been awake

      Never seen a day break

      Leaning on my pillow in the morning

      Lazy day in bed

      Music in my head

      Crazy music playing in the morning light

      Ho, ho, ho

      It’s magic, you know

      Never believe it’s not so

      It’s magic, you know

      Never believe, it’s not so

      I love my sunny day

      Dream of far away

      Dreaming on my pillow in the morning

      Never been awake

      Never seen a day break

      Leaning on my pillow in the morning light

      Dumbest and most annoying song. EVER.

      My stepfather’s all-time most hated song was “Billy Don’t Be a Hero” by Bo Donaldson and the Heywoods. That was a really wretched song, but not quite as craptacular as “Magic” in my estimation.

      Here are some more all-time horrible songs that make Always look like fine art:

      Afternoon Delight–Starlight Vocal Band

      Midnight at the Oasis by Maria Muldaur

      Suds in the Bucket by Sara Evans

      Cherry Pie by Warrant

      Who Let the Dogs Out by whoeverthefuckthatwas

      Torn Between Two Lovers by Mary McGregor

      Blue Jeans On by whoeverthefuckthatwas

      Chevy Van either version by whoeverthefuckeitherofthemwas

      Convoy by whoeverthefuckthatwas

      All I Need by whoeverthefuckthatwas that was on General Hospital

      You Make Me Feel Like Dancing by Leo Sayer

      Emotional Rescue by The Rolling Stones

      She’s Like the Wind by Patrick Swayze

      Su-Su-Suck-it-Yo!, er, Susudio by Phil Collins

      Video Killed the Radio Star by whoeverthefuckthatwas

      Pour Some Sugar on Me by Def Leppard

      When I’m with You by Sheriff

      The Thong Song by whoeverthefuckthatwas

      Wind Beneath My Wings by Bette Midler

      From a Distance by Bette Midler

      99 Red Balloons by whoeverthefuckthat was

      Pilot of the Airwaves by Charlie Dore

      Bring (Bring a Bong)–er Sing (Sing a Song) by the Carpenters. Hell, everything by the Carpenters.

      Everything by George Harrison after All Things Must Pass

      Everything by Paul McCartney after the Beatles besides “Maybe I’m Amazed” or that isn’t on the Band on the Run album. Okay, I’ll give “Goodbye Tonight” a provisional pass for McCartney remembering he could be a decent bass player and pull off minimalism when it suited.

      Everything by Elvis after he joined the Army. Except for 1968. And “Lonesome Tonight.”

      Everything by the Rolling Stones after 1986.

      Everything by Pat Boone, Samantha Fox, Air Supply, Debbie Gibson, Tiffany, John Denver, The Spice Girls, Poison, Nickelback and Creed.

      There is a special place in hell for that stupid tractor song by Kenny Chesney, or whatever his name is.

  • If this song gets stuck in my head, I’m hunting you down like a Terry Wrist.

  • ottod

    The video is horrible and made me go looking for a Zantac. Jimmy Buffett has, as they used to say, the perfect face for radio. It’s just not fair to use that video as the source for judging the song.

    It’s not a great song, but it has more eternal truth than “A White Sport Coat and a Pink Crustacean,” and I liked that one too.

  • Preston Page

    This is not only a GREAT song, the rest of the album is BETTER!!!!!

  • Amadan

    Sorry folks, you’re looking in the wrong place.

    The worst songs in the world are unquestionably to be found in the archives of the Eurovision Song Contest.

    Turkey’s 1983 contribution – Opera – is the undisputed champion of the genre. It may only be listened to using court-approved ear-plugs. The official video is distributed with a container of eye-bleach.

  • Art

    Duuuude …

    Fruitcake isn’t all that bad. Yes, I’ll grant you, that it would get tiresome, possibly to the point of going postal, if played too often. The same can be said for “Freebird”, which, by rights, should be limited to one play a year. Same with “Grandma got run over by a reindeer” and “I love you babe”. Once a year and then back into their cage.

    That said, living in Florida and being a definite head, parrot and otherwise, the later more symbolically than real now that I’m older, and admitting that I haven’t hear “Fruitcake” for a coon’s age I could stand hearing it a few times. Evidently absence does make the heart grow fonder.

    I’m sure with a little warm Florida sand between your toes, a huff on an(entirely symbolic) fatty, and a bit of rum punch you would agree.

  • docsarvis

    I’m with Art. Buffet’s song isn’t the worst I have heard, it’s just middle-of-the-road crap. Most of the songs I saw mentioned in Ed Brayton’s thread are worse than this Jimmy Buffet throwaway piece. If you want to hear some real dreck, try Mother in Law by Ernie K. Doe, or The Rapper by the Jaggerz.

  • I take pleasure in, lead to I found exactly what I used to be having a look for. You’ve ended my four day long hunt! God Bless you man. Have a nice day. Bye

  • la martina polos

    Hi, good article. Let’s just hope things get better… my stock investment is doing real bad now!