Lights, Camera, Crucifixion! (Part 3)

Lights, Camera, Crucifixion! (Part 3) February 25, 2019

Hi, folks! Today we have ssj back for the third installment of his most excellent fan edit of Godsmacked. Enjoy! Today, the Holy Trinity gets fleshed out, Jesus takes less than full advantage of a brief family reunion, Pilate seems to get the upper hand, and Simon of Cyrene lends a hand. (Mini-Me demon not included.) Equipped with editing software and sacrilegious tendencies, ssj rewrote Mel Gibson’s brutal love letter to Jesus with less blood and more lulz.

Despite his winning smile, this bad boy didn’t make the cut. But he still exists somewhere out there on the Gibsonian plane.

Less Blood, More Lulz!

To watch the earlier parts of this edit, see:

(Remember, the password for all of these is “r2d” – make sure you use lower-case letters!)

Now I’ll let ssj take it away!

Hey, y’all. Welcome back to color footage of a real, live deity. In this installment, Jesus has gotten Himself into a serious pickle, but don’t furrow your brows for Him—He wouldn’t have had things play out any other way. Also, the Holy Trinity gets fleshed out, Jesus takes less than full advantage of a brief family reunion, Pontius Pilate seems to get the upper hand, and Simon of Cyrene lends a hand.

Original fanedit over by harrybowls. Shocked emoji added to keep it SFW! (To get the original, just change the end of the file name in the URL from uh-oh to 600.)

Which Mary? All the Marys.

One can imagine that when the Holy Trinity gathered before the beginning of time to discuss Jesus’s mortal suffering, there was no awkwardness, no disagreement. “You OK if We liquidate You, Kid? It won’t be permanent.” “Sure, Dads. Let’s do this.” And the Holy Path was set, the savingest plan They could design for humanity’s salvation. Fists bumped. Meeting adjourned.

But the Holy Trinity paid less attention to their naming scheme. They forgot to spell out clearly whether Mary Magdalene was a well-to-do patroness who helped fund Jesus’s ministry, or Lazarus’s sister, Mary of Bethany, who cleansed Jesus’s feet with her hair, or an “unnamed sinful woman” who also washed Jesus’s feet with her hair. Either way, these stories raise the suspicion of Jesus having a thing for this kind of treatment. Good Christians throughout history, including popes, confused the three women. (Thank God Christians didn’t confuse them with Jesus’s mom. That would’ve been a sin.)

Even Gibson, bless his heart, didn’t know one biblical lady from another, hence Mary Magdalene gets stoned in a flashback scene. I might have kept this scene if there were dialogue to subtitle, but alas, this bit had less talking than a silent movie.

Monica Bellucci, the hottest indeterminate Mary ever.

The Excisions of the Christ.

Other parts deleted from this segment of Godsmacked:

  • The demon Mini-Me, charming though he is
  • Roman soldiers going full-metal sadist on Jesus
  • A crown of thorns being smacked into place
  • Centurions spitting on the Lord of the Universe
  • Mama Mary and Mary Magdalene doing janitorial duty on Jesus’s blood
  • Much of the cross-carrying and associated beatings
  • Young Jesus taking a tumble in a flashback, helicopter mom saving Him from horizontalness
  • The outrage of Simon of Cyrene
  • And a sympathetic lady showing off Jesus’s bloody facial print in a beta release of the Shroud of Turin.

These deletions add up to more than 25 minutes of craziness. What remains is the truest footage of our Lord and Savior, Yeshua of Bethlehem. Or Nazareth. Or wherever fine holy relics are sold.

Until next time, don’t forget to adjust the resolution, and please listen closely for homophones!

Godsmacked:

The passion password is r2d – all lower case! (It says part 4 because we had 2 videos last time. Consistency is for other Mini-Me demons people.)

NEXT UP: Tomorrow, c’mon back to a look at what Christian leaders insist that people must do to achieve a happy, harmonious home life–and how they leave nothing whatsoever to chance with this teaching. See you real soon, now!


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This post is an off topic wonderland!

About Captain Cassidy
Captain Cassidy grew up fervently Catholic, converted to the SBC in her teens, and became a Pentecostal shortly afterward. She even married an aspiring preacher! But then--record scratch!--she brought everything to a screeching halt when she deconverted in her mid-20s. That was 25 years ago. Now a comfortable None, she blogs on Roll to Disbelieve about psychology, pop culture, politics, relationships, cats, gaming, and more--and where they all intersect with religion. You can read more about the author here.
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