Trigger Warnings: We’re talking about rape again today.

A couple weeks ago, when the “Jesus vs. Religion” video was making it’s rounds on the internet, I decided to respond with my opinion that, religion really isn’t such a bad thing. That Jesus and religion can get along. Back then, I wasn’t angry at the video’s creator, Jeff Bethke (though, perhaps I was a bit annoyed at how much he was clogging up my Facebook newsfeed). I was just trying to figure out for myself what place religion had in my life.

And Jeff responded to the myriad of criticisms that he recieved with humility and grace, and I respected him for that.

So I’d like to think that he’s a good guy. I’d like to think that he means well and that he wants to use his talents to help people, and that, like all of us, he sometimes misses the mark. 

That being said, I’m going to criticize him again.

Jeff Bethke, if you happen to read this, this is a bit more serious than the argument over semantics that was the last criticism. I need you to know–seriously, need you to know, that rape does NOT equal sex.

What elicited this blog post is the following video:

In it, Bethke states:

So take a rape victim for example and once it’s revealed
When her bruises go away is she totally healed?
Nah, the damage is lasting you can see it in her eyes
But if it was just a view as recreation why did it ruin her life?
I mean if sex is just for fun why does it take such a toll?
Maybe it’s cause you don’t just have sex with a body, you have sex with a soul.
Which means for me there ain’t no premarital lovin.
And it ain’t just cause I don’t want a baby in the oven.
Its cause I’m staying pure until the day that I’m a husband.

I watched it and first I was all:

Then, I was all:

And, then, I was all:

But, now, I’ve slept on it. I’ve calmed down, and I’m ready to talk about this civilly. But I have to repeat myself, one more time for the people in the back:

Rape does NOT equal sex.

Now, Bethke isn’t the only person who needs to hear this (looking at you, Fox Sports, and many others, which referred to the horrific events at Penn State as a “sex scandal“). In fact, in the abstinence-only high school that I grew up in, the stories of rape victims were often used as an attempt to scare us teenagers away from anything and everything having to do with sex.

I almost don’t even know how to begin to tell you all how horribly wrong this idea is. But here are some scattered thoughts on the subject:

Let’s start with the basics: (most) Women like sex too. Sometimes we even, you know, pursue sexual partners. Sometimes we even do this without wanting a marriage or a relationship with a person. Sometimes women have sex for recreation too. At the moment, I don’t want to argue about whether this is right or wrong for Christians, but I have to say that just because a man has premarital sex with a woman does not mean that he  forced her. Not all women who have recreational sex are rape victims (though, please don’t jump to the other end of the spectrum and think that women who do have recreational sex cannot be rape victims. Rape does not equal sex, remember?). We women can make our own choices regarding our sex lives. We have a say in the matter. We’re not helpless creatures whose vaginas must be guarded until marriage. We’re humans who have the mental capacity to choose what we do with our bodies. Got it? Okay, moving on.

Why did “sex” take such a toll on that rape victim’s life? Well, with the fact in mind that rape does not equal sex (Yes, I am going  to repeat this until people start to catch on), rape is about power. It’s about a rapist looking at another person as an object to be dominated, to be forced into subjection. It’s about stripping another person’s humanity away. Putting another person in a position where he/she is unwillingly exposed. Trespassing on another person’s body. Rape is a horrible, horrible event that leaves its victims feeling helpless, worthless, violated, and inhuman.

And, sex? Well, it should not a horrible, horrible event that leaves its victims feeling helpless, worthless, violated, and inhuman. If sex does leave one feeling that way, then there’s a problem. Maybe part of that problem is people like Bethke who insist on comparing rape with sex. I’ve talked to far too many women who grew up listening to abstinence-only education programs compare rape and sex, only to get married and feel afraid to love their husbands. When every discussion you’ve ever heard about sex is really describing rape, well, there’s a good chance sex is going to trigger some feelings of fear for you.

Sex, yes even premarital sex, shouldn’t leave us feeling raped. 

Sex (yes, even premarital sex) can leave us feeling healed, comforted, loved, and fully human.

Does it always? No. Are people who choose to have sex sometimes going to regret it later on? Yes. Sometimes, it can even leave us with a broken heart. Sometimes it can leave us feeling used. Sex can have negative consequences.

But it doesn’t strip us of our choice and of our humanity the way rape does.

There is no comparison.

Rape does NOT equal sex.