It seems like a good time to re-post and update this.
If Jesus had been a Republican…
He would have said:
“Render unto Caesar. And if thou catchest an illegal immigrant, render him also, yea, limb from limb.”
“Blessed are the rich, who are the ones who REALLY inherit the earth.”
“Love thy neighbor, unless he criticizeth thee. Then shouldst thou treat him scurrilously, yea, even unto mocking his disability.”
“Woe unto ye parasites who work in the public sector—ye instructors of children, ye dousers of conflagrations, and ye arresters of scofflaws—for thy unions shall be busted and thy pensions curtailed.”
“Blessed art thou if thou art in the womb, for the full power of the state shall protect thee. But if thou be born, thou art on thy own, kid!”
“Blessed are the 50% who are the makers, but woe unto the other 50% that are takers, parasites, and useless eaters!”
When he fed the 5000 he would have charged two shekels for a fish and one for a loaf.
He would have told the lepers to depend upon the miracle of the free market to deliver them affordable health care.
He would have told the parable of the ten wise congressmen who supported subsidies to Big Oil, and the ten foolish congressmen who favored subsidies to wind and solar.
Feel free to add your own!