The Holy Bible, King Don Version

The Holy Bible, King Don Version July 4, 2020

I was so inspired by the photo of Donald Trump holding the Bible that, further inspired by a Stephen Colbert skit, I have decided to post selections from the King Don version of the Bible. So, here is the word of God, er, Don, er….

The Creation Story:

          In the beginning it was fabulous. What God did was incredible. See, it was dark. Really dark. So dark you couldn’t believe it. And God said “Somebody turn on the lights!” And guess what? A good Republican angel turned on all the lights, and it was just incredibly bright. And God created the Garden of Eden. Eden was beautiful. Just beautiful. Like Mar-a-Lago. Great golf courses. Fabulous food. Then God created Adam and Eve, who were naked except for their MAGA hats. Eve, she was hot, I tell you! And then Satan, obviously a Democrat, came along and told Eve that she and Adam did not have to work and that the Welfare State would take care of them. So, God was pissed off and took Adam and Eve’s MAGA hats and kicked them out of Eden. They became Democrats and had to go west of Eden to live in California.

The Beatitudes:

Blessed are they that kiss my ass, for they shall not be fired.

Blessed are the dictators, like Putin, Erdogan, Modi, Kim Jong Un, and Li Jinping. They don’t put up with any shit. Love ‘em.

Blessed are the producers of fossil fuels. Global warming is a hoax.

Blessed are KFC and McDonald’s. Fried chicken and hamburders are the best!

Blessed are the cops who crack heads and use choke holds, for they shall be called the Children of Trump.

Blessed are the bigots, white supremacists, immigrant-haters, and gun-totin’, pickup-drivin’, Confederate flag-displayin’, MAGA-hat wearin’ bubbas, for they are my base.

 

The Twenty Third Psalm:

The Lord is me; I shall do what I want.

I lie down with porn stars,

And comfort them with greenbacks.

And lead my critics to courts of law.

I renew my Twitter rants daily, for my name’s sake,

And lie like there’s no tomorrow.

Even though I walk through the valley of Democrats,

I will fear no evil because Mitch McConnell is with me.

My lickspittles and lackeys they comfort me.

I spread a table of chicken and burgers

In the presence of fake news reporters.

My head is richly orange,

And I like women whose D-cups runneth over.

Bigots and bubbas will love me,

Even if I shoot someone on Fifth Avenue.

And I will dwell in the house of Me forever.

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