Conservatives have long acted like the self-appointed gynecologists of America, endlessly obsessed with controlling women’s bodies. From legislating uteruses to regulating reproductive rights, they’ve left no ovary unturned. But what if we flipped the script and took a hard look (pun intended) at some biblical tales of bodily control—specifically, those involving the schlongs-of-faith? Buckle up or rubber up, folks. It’s time to dive into the bizarre world of biblical foreskin stories and call for some faux outrage.
When Foreskins Were Currency
Remember that time when King Saul, in a bid to have David killed, demanded 100 Philistine foreskins as a bride price for his daughter Michal? Because nothing says “I love you” like a sack of foreskins, right? Not to be outdone, David delivered 200 foreskins, making him both a hero and a collector of the world’s worst wedding gift.
Imagine if women today demanded a similar bride price—“Honey, I’ll marry you if you bring me 200… well, you get the picture.” The absurdity is laughable. Yet, conservatives find it perfectly reasonable to demand control over women’s bodies. Maybe it’s time to suggest a modern take: foreskins for freedoms, anyone?
A Bloody Bridegroom and a Lifesaving Snip
On their way to Egypt, Moses had a close encounter of the fatal kind. God decided to kill him (reasons are murky at best), but Zipporah, his quick-witted wife, saved the day by circumcising their son and touching Moses with the foreskin. “Surely you are a bridegroom of blood to me,” she declared, and just like that, God was appeased.
If a foreskin could save a life back then, perhaps it’s time for “Divine D*ck Decisions” today. Why stop at controlling women’s bodies when we could implement a system where men’s foreskins become lifesaving tokens? Sound ridiculous? Exactly.
Mass Foreskin Removal as a Rite of Passage
After crossing the Jordan River, Joshua had a divine mandate to circumcise the new generation of Israelite men. Picture it: an entire camp of men clutching their crotches, all in the name of entering the Promised Land. Talk about a painful rite of passage.
If mass foreskin removal was necessary to show commitment to God’s promise, surely conservatives can appreciate the commitment women show in their fight for bodily autonomy. It’s the same zeal, just different body parts.
Circumcision and Slaughter
After Shechem defiled Dinah, her brothers Simeon and Levi tricked his city into undergoing circumcision. While the men were still in pain, they attacked and killed them all. This story’s moral: bodily control often precedes violence and retribution.
Dinah’s brothers took foreskins before taking lives—sounds eerily familiar in a world where bodily control often leads to violence. Maybe if we demanded foreskins before laws, conservatives might rethink their stance on bodily autonomy.
The Absurdity of Bodily Control
Let’s stitch these stories together. The Bible’s foreskin tales reveal just how absurd controlling anyone’s body parts can be. Conservatives, in their quest to legislate women’s bodies, ignore these biblical lessons. Perhaps it’s time to turn the tables and focus on controlling men’s bodies to highlight this absurdity.
A Snip for Snip Policy
So here’s the deal: maybe it’s time for a new kind of equality—a ‘snip for snip’ policy. Until then, let’s keep our eyes on the prize—autonomy for all, not just the chosen few. Because if the Bible teaches us anything, it’s that foreskins were never meant to be the forefront of faith.
Until conservatives learn to keep their laws off women’s bodies, maybe we should start drafting some legislation about men’s bodies. Fair’s fair, right? Now, who’s up for a new chapter of foreskin-focused reform?
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