Why Are Evangelicals So Horny for War?

Why Are Evangelicals So Horny for War?

A vintage embroidered pillow reading “Come, Lord Jesus” placed suggestively on a worn, churchy sofa in warm lighting.
DALL-E

They say you should never mix religion and politics. But what if your religion is politics, and your kink is the end of the world?

Welcome to American evangelicalism: a faith movement so obsessed with apocalypse that it’s less about saving souls and more about watching the world burn—preferably on pay-per-view, narrated by Kirk Cameron. If you’re wondering why so many Jesus lovers are cheering on war in the Middle East, it’s not because they care about geopolitics or human life. It’s because they believe war is foreplay to the return of Christ.

Yes, the Christian right is horny for the end times. And baby, business is booming.

Foreplay, Prophecy, and Perverse Desires

Let’s start with the basics. Evangelical eschatology (a fancy word for their apocalyptic fanfiction) is largely built on a mishmash of bad theology, worse translations, and Scofield Bible footnotes that did more damage than Satan himself. Add a few doses of Hal Lindsey’s Late Great Planet Earth and Tim LaHaye’s Left Behind and you’ve got a generation raised to see Israel not as a real place with real people—but as the set piece for Jesus’ dramatic third-act return.

They were taught to read the Bible like a war map and cheer when blood spills on it. And now, every conflict in the Middle East isn’t a tragedy—it’s a tease. A divine breadcrumb leading us to Armageddon. The hornier the war, the holier the hype.

Bless This Bomb in Jesus’ Name

Enter Senator Ted Cruz—Jesus cosplay champion and armchair foreign policy enthusiast—who recently said, “As a Christian growing up in Sunday school, I was taught from the Bible that those who bless Israel will be blessed, and those who curse Israel will be cursed.”

Let’s be honest. Ted doesn’t know a thing about Iran beyond what someone texted him from a Chick-fil-A drive-thru. But he does know his audience. That comment wasn’t for secular voters—it was a wink to prophecy junkies foaming at the mouth for Daniel and Revelation to collide like two Monster Trucks driven by Jesus and Satan on meth.

The theology here is simple and horrifying: support Israel, bomb her enemies, and Jesus shows up like a cosmic DoorDash order. No nuance. No diplomacy. Just holy war served hot and ready.

Trump the Chosen One (by White Evangelicals)

Let’s not kid ourselves—Donald Trump doesn’t believe in this nonsense. He’s more likely to think Revelation is one of those Epstein files with his name on it. But what he does believe in is loyalty, and white evangelicals give it to him in droves. He doesn’t need to be holy—he just needs to pretend he’s holding the Bible the right way while bombing brown people in the right zip code.

That’s why folks like Mike Huckabee are texting him divine mission statements. Why Paula White is posting clips of Trump’s speeches with Pentecostal flair. Why Pete Hegseth is “giving glory to God” for bombing Iran like it’s Sunday service and the military is the worship team.

It’s not about God. It’s about control, spectacle, and stroking the egos of the prophecy crowd who think they’re Esther, Joshua, and Elijah rolled into one MAGA flag-waving prayer warrior.

 

An open Bible to the Book of Revelation sits on a wooden desk beside a bottle of lotion and crumpled tissues, dimly lit in a moody atmosphere.
DALL-E

A Theology of Erection (for Destruction)

Let’s call this what it is: spiritual erotica for the end times. They don’t want peace—they want blood. They want to be the generation that gets taken up while everyone else gets torched. Never mind that you could plug any global conflict from the last hundred years into their Where’s Waldo? version of end-times prophecy. It’s madness dressed up as theology—spiritual schadenfreude with a side of bloodlust. This isn’t about the Prince of Peace; it’s about crowning King Jesus the Conqueror (which is more fan-fiction than exegesis). And they’ve convinced themselves that Jesus won’t return until enough bodies stack up in the desert.

That’s why they hate diplomacy. Why they despise ceasefires. Why they reject compassion. Because nothing gets them more worked up than watching the pieces fall into place—not for justice, not for healing—but so they can smugly say “Told you so” while the world ends behind them.

This isn’t faith. It’s fetish.

Apocalypse is the Brand

Underneath it all, this isn’t just theology—it’s commerce. End-times hysteria is a money-making machine. It sells books, fills pews, boosts televangelist airtime, and gives craven politicians like Cruz and Huckabee a Bible-shaped soapbox to preach from.

People like Tony Perkins know exactly what they’re doing. They wrap war in the language of prophecy to rally the faithful—and conveniently raise money while they’re at it. The worse the news, the better the giving.

The apocalypse isn’t just their hope. It’s their business model.

Spoiler Alert: Jesus Doesn’t Need Your Missiles

What happens when Armageddon never arrives? Simple. They move the goalposts. They spiritualize the delay. They blame the gays, the libs, or not enough “real Christians” praying hard enough.

But they never stop pushing. Because deep down, they need the threat of judgment to stay relevant. Without it, they’re just angry people yelling at clouds. With it, they’re prophets.

And for some reason, America keeps listening.

The Second Coming

Evangelicals aren’t just watching for signs of the end. They’re actively trying to make it happen. They’ve mistaken bloodlust for belief, and policy for prophecy. Their prayers are bombs, their sermons are threats, and their savior? Still silent.

But hey, at least they’re consistent.

If the Prince of Peace ever does return, they’ll probably try to crucify him again—right after asking if he supports their foreign policy.

 


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About Stuart Delony
I’m Stuart Delony, a former pastor who walked out of the church but couldn’t shake the ways of Jesus. These days, I host Snarky Faith—a podcast and platform that wrestles with faith, culture, and meaning from the fringe. I’m not here to fix Christianity. I’m here to name what’s broken, find what’s still worth keeping, and hold space for the questions that don’t have clean answers. If you’ve been burned, disillusioned, or just done with the noise—welcome. You’re in good company. You can read more about the author here.
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