We Got A New Pope. Cool. So Now What?

Vintage typewriter labeled "PR DEPT." with smoke rising from it, set against the backdrop of St. Peter’s Basilica in Vatican City. A paper in the typewriter reads “NEW HOPE.” — Image created by Dall-E / Pope Leo XIV and the Catholic Church’s Neverending PR Makeover

White smoke rose, the bells rang, and just like that—we’ve got a new pope. Enter Pope Leo XIV, a Chicago-born bishop with a passport full of mission trips, Vatican cred, and (gasp!) a few anti-Trump tweets. Naturally, progressive Catholics are lighting candles of cautious optimism. After all, when the bar is “didn’t actively support fascism,” he’s already breaking the papal mold.

But before you break out the communion wine in celebration, let’s ask the harder question: does it actually matter?

Hope and Hype: Papal Edition

Sure, Pope Leo XIV might be different. He speaks like a human, has spent time outside Vatican walls, and doesn’t sound like he moonlights on Fox News. That’s refreshing. But even the best man in a broken system is still just a very fancy wrench in a very old machine. His holiness may be progressive, but he’s also now CEO of a religious institution more known for protecting pedophiles than the poor.

Can a Pope Reform an Empire?

The Catholic Church isn’t a startup—it’s a 2,000-year-old global juggernaut wrapped in incense and immunity. You don’t pivot that overnight. Hell, you don’t even acknowledge basic accountability unless dragged into court by a nation-state. The Church has a long history of saying the right things while doing absolutely nothing. For every foot-washing photo op, there are decades of doctrinal stonewalling. And let’s not forget: the Vatican’s been more interested in preserving power than following Jesus since Constantine signed on the dotted line.

Let’s not confuse a different papal tone with doctrinal transformation. The real power in the Catholic Church isn’t just in who wears the white robes—it’s in the network of unelected cardinals, curial insiders, and conservative factions who’ve mastered the art of politely saying “no” in Latin. The same system that canonized John Paul II despite a mountain of abuse cover-ups isn’t suddenly going to roll over because Leo XIV tweeted something compassionate.

Christianity’s PR Problem: Still Not Doing the Jesus Stuff

The truth is, a new pope—progressive or not—won’t fix the central issue: Christianity as a whole still refuses to actually follow Christ. Love your enemies? Nah, too political. Care for the poor? We outsourced that. Live humbly? Check our private jets. Whether it’s Catholics, evangelicals, or the prosperity preachers with Rolexes and rage issues, the faith looks less like Jesus and more like an MLM with hymnals.

Yes, optics matter. A humble pope is better than a gold-draped tyrant. But the Church’s obsession with pageantry is part of the problem. It’s been using robes, rituals, and relics to distract from its moral bankruptcy for centuries. A photo of Leo XIV hugging a refugee doesn’t undo the Vatican’s silence during genocides or its systemic shielding of abusers. Christianity isn’t theater—at least it wasn’t supposed to be.

What Real Reform Would Actually Look Like

Let’s say Leo XIV is serious. Real reform would mean defrocking abusive priests and the bishops who hid them. It would mean financial transparency, LGBTQ+ inclusion, dismantling clericalism, and putting women in leadership roles. You know—basic stuff Jesus might have done. Until that happens, this papacy—like the ones before it—risks becoming another well-dressed placeholder for what could have been.

So yeah, we’ve got a new pope. Maybe he’ll push for reform. Maybe he’ll say kind things about the marginalized. Maybe he won’t cover up abuse. And maybe the Church won’t eat its own tail again in the next sex scandal. But don’t confuse symbolism with substance. White smoke may rise from the Sistine Chapel, but until it starts smelling more like justice and less like centuries of cover-up, pardon us for not genuflecting.

Holy Hope or Hollow Headlines?

Look, I’m not here to rain on anyone’s papal parade—okay, maybe just a drizzle. A decent man stepping into a role historically occupied by power-hoarders and doctrinal dinosaurs is something. And if Leo XIV really does push for transparency, mercy, and justice, then Godspeed. But the Church has long outlasted the good intentions of decent men, and its calcified bureaucracy is a master at slow-walking progress into oblivion.

We’ve been here before—progressive whispers, hopeful reforms, then silence. So while the faithful might see this moment as divine intervention, the rest of us see a very old institution desperately trying to stay relevant in a world that’s stopped asking it for moral advice.

Change doesn’t come from the top of the hierarchy. It comes from people—disillusioned, deconstructed, and determined to live out something better than what the Church sells. Jesus never built an empire. He washed feet, broke bread, and told the truth.

So, Pope Leo, welcome to the hot seat. We’re watching. We’re hoping. But we’ve also read history—and we’re not holding our breath.