Speaking In Tongues: When Gibberish Becomes God-Talk

Cartoon-style illustration of angry anthropomorphic tongues marching in a protest, holding signs that say “SPIRIT OR BUST!”, “DON’T SILENCE ME!”, and “HOLY BABBLE MATTERS.” — Image created with DALL·E

Once upon a time—specifically Acts 2—speaking in tongues was a miracle. The apostles were allegedly filled with the Holy Spirit and suddenly fluent in foreign languages to spread the gospel across cultural lines. Whether you believe it or not, at least it had a point.

Fast forward a couple thousand years, and that miracle has been warped into a circus act. Today’s version? Religious noise. Nothing more than emotionally driven babble dressed up as divine.

In charismatic churches, speaking in tongues has become a rite of passage—a badge that says, I’ve got the Spirit, even if all you’re doing is recycling syllables and vibrating your jaw. It’s not holy. It’s learned, coached, and expected.

From Functional to Farce

At Pentecost, tongues were about communication. Real languages, real people, real purpose. Today’s tongues? They don’t communicate anything—except maybe who’s best at faking a seizure during worship.

It’s not translation. It’s not clarity. It’s noise. If your so-called spiritual gift leaves everyone confused and no one edified, it’s not a gift—it’s a gimmick.

And for those who pivot and claim it’s a “heavenly language”? Cute. But even Paul—yes, the tongues guy—said it should be interpreted or kept quiet (1 Cor. 14:28). God doesn’t need your gibberish solos.

Linguists Say the Quiet Part Out Loud

Linguists have studied glossolalia and concluded what anyone outside the echo chamber already knows: it’s not a language. There’s no syntax. No structure. No consistency. Just strings of disconnected syllables.

William Samarin, who studied it extensively, described it as “meaningless but phonologically structured human utterance.” Translation? You’re making sounds that feel language-y but mean absolutely nothing.

Even AI spits out more coherent patterns than your average prayer huddle.

And don’t come at me with your “God’s ways are not our ways” cop-out. That verse wasn’t a divine permission slip for spiritual nonsense. If God is trying to speak, maybe we stop pretending that confusion is proof of holiness.

Retro-styled illustration of a man gleefully watching a machine labeled “Glossolalia Generator” produce a scroll of nonsensical syllables. — Image created with DALL·E

It’s Taught—Which Tells You Everything

If tongues are a spontaneous spiritual gift, why are churches teaching people how to do it? Why are children being coached to “let the syllables flow”?

Pro tip: If you need a how-to guide for a supernatural gift, it’s probably not supernatural.

What’s happening here isn’t divine inspiration—it’s emotional groupthink. You’re caught in a room full of people revving their spiritual engines, and suddenly you’re mumbling just to fit in.

This isn’t revival. It’s peer pressure. It’s conditioning. It’s psychology.

Case in point? The viral clip of Texas evangelist Sharon Bolan and a pack of pastors praying in tongues—at the White House. Under Trump’s new Faith Office, led by Paula White, tongues are no longer confined to church pews—they’re now political theater in taxpayer-funded settings. Revival? More like grifter-grade glossolalia.

Charismatic Showmanship and a Century of Noise

Modern tongues weren’t even a thing until the early 1900s, during the Azusa Street Revival. That’s when things really took off—when folks realized emotional hype and spiritual theatrics could pack a house.

So if tongues are so essential, why were they AWOL for 1900 years? Did the Holy Spirit just forget? Or maybe this isn’t Spirit-led at all—it’s just another Christian trend that caught fire and never got extinguished.

Not Special. Not Unique. Not Divine.

Glossolalia isn’t exclusive to Christians. You’ll find it in shamanic traditions, cults, and even among people in trance states with zero religious context. So no, you’re not tapping into some heavenly frequency—you’re participating in a cross-cultural, well-documented psychological phenomenon.

What makes it “Christian” is the branding, not the behavior.

If God’s Speaking, Why Does It Sound So Dumb?

Let’s zoom out. We’re talking about the God of the universe here. All-knowing. All-powerful. Fluent in every language that ever was or will be. And we’re supposed to believe that this is how God chooses to communicate? Through random vowel sounds and spiritual jazz solos?

Come on.

If God wants to speak, you’d expect clarity. You’d expect purpose. Not incoherent babble that sounds like someone dropped their tongue down a flight of stairs. And no, “God’s ways are not our ways” doesn’t mean “God prefers to be cryptic and confusing for fun.” That’s not mystery—that’s malpractice.

We’ve built entire theologies around noise. We’ve elevated nonsense to sacred status. And when it doesn’t make sense? We chalk it up to “divine mystery” instead of admitting we might just be full of it.

If God is trying to get a message across, maybe the problem isn’t that we can’t understand it. Maybe the problem is that we’ve convinced ourselves He speaks in ways no one can understand—so we don’t have to listen.

Tongues: A Sign of Nothing

If tongues really are the mark of receiving the Holy Spirit, then what are we saying about the billions of Christians who’ve never spoken a word of it? Are they defective? Or are charismatics just really into noise for noise’s sake?

Let’s be honest—this isn’t a sacred practice. It’s performance.

The emperor has no tongue. Just noise.

God Doesn’t Babble—We Do

Speaking in tongues today isn’t a move of God—it’s a mirror reflecting spiritual insecurity and the need to prove you’re “filled.” But mumbling nonsense doesn’t make you holy. It just makes you loud.

And if God really is speaking, She’s probably tired of being drowned out by all the noise.