How do you support your child through grief while mourning loss yourself? The short answer is I don’t know. My mother went home to see Jesus a couple of months ago. This is all new territory for us.
As I sit here typing this, there is a pain etching out a piece of my heart that I cannot describe. In my mind, it is preparing for the empty hole that will eventually be what is left after the grieving process. But then again, I don’t know if grief ever truly ends.
It occurs to me, though, that while my heart is hurting right now, so are my babies. She was their Nana – their partner in crime, their babysitter, the bringer of cuddles, and the supplier of the yummy treats that mommy and daddy don’t let them have very often. As I went through pictures for her funeral service, I realized how many were taken at the playground – a lot.
There she was, suddenly alive again in print, going down the slide with littles on her lap and climbing monkey bars surrounded by tiny hands with cheerful hearts written in their smiles. You could almost hear the laughter and fun taking place. The kids’ last memory of her wouldn’t be photographed, and she was lightyears away from the playground.
At the hospital, she was removed from a ventilator. She breathed on her own for twenty-six hours. I have heard death stories before where a patient waited for their loved ones but never really bought into that, though.
But my siblings and I were there for the extubation. We were there for the full twenty-six hours that followed. We watched as her breathing changed throughout the day. Five minutes after the arrival of her grandbabies, surrounded by her children and sons-in-law, she took her very last breath.
She waited. I saw it. As soon as she heard those sweet little voices, she was ready and let go. It looked like she even smiled at that last breath. I wondered if she was smiling at Jesus as He welcomed her home. I know she was excited to be reunited with my dad.
This is our children’s first real experience with death, and while I am broken inside, I am aware that they are hurting, too, and need support. How do you support your child while mourning?
It’s Okay to Let Them See You Mourn
The Wendt Center for Loss and Healing says, “It is important to talk to your child in an age-appropriate way about your grief and reassure them that you can still take care of them and provide for their needs. You might say, ‘I may look sad, but I can still get you dinner, get you to school on time, and make sure our family does things together.’” Being present supports your child with their mourning but also helps your healing journey as well.
Parents need to allow themselves to grieve to take care of those precious little ones. Internalizing the pain, hoping that time will heal the wound, can be counterproductive.
This has been an important reminder for me. Moms, that is what we do all the time, isn’t it? As a group, we tend to suppress our emotions to try and support everyone else.
I know if I slip and show frustration, sadness, or anxiety, I will feel guilty for it. I will put off taking time for myself to chug along. The truth is the kaleidoscope of human emotions; even the ugly ones are normal and healthy. Kids need to see us feel our feelings so they can learn healthy ways to cope with theirs.
Brenda Stutler, a licensed mental health counselor, emphasizes the importance of externalizing grief: “What we know from research and experience is that in order for grief to be healed, it has to be externalized. You cannot just hold it in and let time pass. Time is an important element, but it is not the only element.”
Pray Often To Support Your Child While Mourning
Reading the Psalms is a great place to start if you are struggling with finding the words to pray, as they were all initially written as prayers and songs of worship. Grief and mourning often leave us without words.
Romans 8:26-27 (NIV) is a comforting reminder that God knows what we need even when we do not have our words. “In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God.”
God wants us to seek Him. We can ask Him for strength and healing for ourselves and our children. This act can also be done with the kids and will support them through mourning.
Practice Active Listening To Support Your Child While Mourning
The Mayo Clinic offers ways to support grieving children by doing the following:
- Having a consistent and regular routine. Eating well, staying hydrated, doing physical activity and getting good sleep are vital.
- Being patient and gentle, not to add additional stress.
- Allowing for moments of connection and assisting in the expression of grief.
- Providing opportunities to remember and talk about the person who has died.
- Listening without judgment or adverse reaction.
- Offering reassurance, teach your children to breathe through their feelings.
- Incorporate mindfulness to notice their feelings right now and let them know it’s ok to name the emotions and not fight them.
- Encourage children to notice how the feelings will come and go, sometimes intense and sometimes mild.
- Creating outlets for healing through time outdoors, arts and crafts, writing or journaling, music, watching a movie, or spending time with friends.
It is important to note that everyone grieves in their own way. Children may exhibit their grief differently than adults or even siblings and peers of similar ages. And that is okay!
The important thing is to practice active listening with them. Be careful not to assume their feelings, validate their emotions, and let them speak without interrupting them. Asking questions to clarify and validate is also important.
A note on not assuming – I thought our boys might not want to go to the viewing as the service the following day would have my mom in a closed casket. I am glad I gave them each the option because they wanted to go. Not only did they go, but my husband noticed they each took time to sit with their Nana at the funeral home before we left. They needed that moment with her as much as I did.
Counseling To Support Your Child While Mourning
Going through grief alone can be overwhelming. Often, children do not have the words to express their feelings, let alone process and cope. Let’s be honest: as adults, we often do not have those tools either.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with seeking professional help for yourself and/or your child. Contact your pastor or physician to make a referral for counseling. Hospital and hospice staff can make recommendations too. Play therapy is another resource a pediatrician can refer to for grieving young children.
Comforting Scriptures on Grief
Revelation 21:4 (NIV) says God “will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”
Psalm 147:3 (NIV) reminds us that our heavenly Father “heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.”
As we carry the weight of our loss and continue on in life we will find rest in Jesus, as He promises us in Matthew 11:28-30 (NIV), “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
Support Your Child While Mourning By Taking the Grief Journey Together
Christians can find comfort and support through Jesus through prayer and spending time with scripture. We can share this with our children, which opens the door for them to build a relationship with Him.
We have the rest of our lives to miss the person we lost, and we certainly will. Jesus promises that we will be reunited. A sense of peace comes with this hope. The most important thing is to remember to live fully while we wait. We can practice and model Ecclesiastes 3:12-13 (NIV) for our children as there is nothing better than to be happy and enjoy ourselves as long as we can in this world.
Losing the people we love hurts, and there is no easy way to lessen the pain. Finding balance in supporting your child while also mourning loss requires being honest with our own feelings and showing them. It also means we must be a safe space for our children to express their grief.
Grieving while supporting your child through mourning, remember that it is not a straight line; it has no finish line. It is okay to let them see your emotions and express theirs. The pain will become easier to manage with time.
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