Fallen Leaders

Failure

Humans fail. Since the beginning of time, humans have always struggled to be successful at the art of ‘perfection.’ In fact, the entire Christian narrative is based on one human failure, and then the failure of his wife, and the saga to bring redemption to failing humanity back into a relationship with God. I’m not sure why there is much surprise when a high profile leader in an organization fails. It happens through all walks of life. Whether it be a CEO of a major company (Martha Stewart), a Coach for a Professional sports team (John Gruden) or maybe a Pastor/Leader in a local church (Perry Noble), there is failure through all of these stories because there are humans involved in all of these stories.

Should we be so surprised to see people fail as a result of being human?

Around 4 years ago, I failed. I failed

• at my job.
• with my family.
• being a father.
• “husbanding”.
• as a decent human being.

I even failed at the very thing that caused so much wreckage in the other parts of my life. I failed at drinking. Drinking successfully was impossible,  for if I had been able to do so, I wouldn’t have found myself fired by the church that I worked for as a Campus Pastor, homeless and attending Rehab and Alcohol treatment, and attending copious AA meetings per week. I discovered, during this time, that I am an alcoholic.

Alcohol Nearly Killed Me

I had been drinking daily, heavily for months leading up to my moment of complete and utter demise hoping to quell a deep seeded fear and darkness that loomed within me. Hoping for a different feeling at the bottom of every bottle,  I found the same dull feeling of drunken stupor at the end of every drinking moment.

I have no judgment for the three examples of failure listed above.

They had their reasons for what they did that caused others pain, that destroyed the life that they knew, and changed the course of their professional lives forever.  Whether those reasons were poor or rational, it doesn’t matter. They failed. I failed.

A Noble Example

In the case of Perry Noble, I remember the day that he was fired from the church that he served at. I watched Perry regularly preach as a Pastor, learning from him and growing from his teaching (and still do today) but in those moments that he was fired, I myself was drinking heavily. I knew that my end would come similar to his, if I didn’t stop drinking. And 2 years later, I found myself exactly in a very similar spot. I was not in the same spotlight that Perry was in as I wasn’t leading a church of 10’s of thousands of people, but I did much damage with the choices that I had made.

Perry provided a wonderful example of what it meant to recover from alcohol abuse and regain an entirely different life and perspective professionally. And while he did it within the confines of the church (and I have done it outside of the church), his resilience is incredibly inspiring to me.

The Cost of Failure

When a leader falls, there is fallout.

There is fallout professionally. In my case, there were multiple families, teenagers, and young adults that looked at me and couldn’t believe the choices that I had made. For some of these people, they gave up their faith because they couldn’t reconcile a fallen leader within their own worldview. They had put my position on a pedestal and decided that I could do no wrong, and when I did, it caused them to falter as well. Daily, I live with the guilt, shame, and regret of causing others to experience pain and loss especially in the spiritual realm.

The church that I was a part of reeled at the loss of a leader, a staff member, and someone to carry the daily load of ministry. The staff members that I was invested into were no longer supported by me in a daily capacity. Those that I had been giving direction to, were now directionless and had to find a new path of leadership. As I look back on the loss in this area, it is heart wrenching.

There is fallout personally. As I was failing, I was losing my family. My wife and I had become distant at best. I was no longer present for my children on a daily or nightly basis. Alcohol had replaced the closest relationships that I could have, my family. I shut out those around me, in an effort to self protect and hide. And this caused deep emotional distress within me. I was lonely, afraid, and distant from all of the people that loved me the most and knew me the best.  Close friends weren’t allowed to be engaged, because I did not let them into my world.

Coming Clean

If you are a Pastor or a leader and you are hiding a secret, now is the time to come clean. Are you drinking heavily, thinking no one will find out? Now is the time to let people know. If you are addicted to pornography, let today be the day that you let people understand what your vice is. If you are addicted to painkillers, or other narcotics, find someone to tell. Believe me, it is better for you to deal with whatever fallout you fear now rather than experience the fallout far worse than you are fearing because you hit rock bottom.

The irony in my failure and fall was that I wouldn’t let anyone in to see what was going on because I thought I would lose everything. In the end, I lost far more than I ever feared was possible. While the church can sometimes be an unforgiving environment, I promise you will find allies that will walk alongside of you in recovery from whatever it is that you are fighting.

You may lose your job. Your family may leave you. Relationships may be lost. If you continue to hide, you will lose your soul. And that would be the biggest failure and travesty of all. Pastors and leaders, you are loved by God and others, and there is forgiveness available. Let today be the day that you share what is happening in your own private world.