A Decade of Deconstruction:
Part 1 – I Don’t Need Religion
I am fully convinced that connection is essential for us as human beings. It begins early in life when we form an attachment to our mother or caregiver. If we don’t receive proper care during childhood, we can face issues later on. The quality of that care is essential and significantly affects us. We need connection with others for many reasons, which I don’t have time to explain fully. Still, I have learned that these connections don’t need to be tied to an ineffective system, especially in cases involving trauma.
I still listen to music because it releases chemicals in my body that make me feel good. Sometimes those concerts even challenge me ethically, inspire me, or bring me to tears. But I don’t have to drive somewhere and listen to a concert on a specific day each week that is meant to draw me into the persuasiveness of the person addressing the congregation. That feels to me like control and manipulation, and even if I liked contemporary Christian songs, I could easily access them more productively without needing to attend a show every week organized by clergy.
Speaking of clergy, I can honestly say that I am beginning to understand why a shepherd might not be necessary, as I was taught. In my 20 years as a pastor, I often sought out mentors and shepherds, and they always told me the same thing: “Karl, I don’t have a silver bullet for you.” I now understand why they said this. They weren’t interested in nuanced conversations or taking the time to get to know me deeply; they just wanted to address the congregation as a whole, passing out simple instructions and sharing their latest insights. This is very different from the guides I’ve encountered in the deconstruction desert. The guides here seem to appear when I need them, sharing their experience instead of the shallow advice most pastors give their flock. Shepherds work best for mindless flocks. Humans were never meant to be controlled in that way.
I use my extra money and volunteer work to help people in my personal life and at my local school, instead of sending that money through an organization that takes 70% for building and staff. I am the staff, and my personal generosity is the result. It seems much more effective and efficient to do it this way!
Religion sometimes inspired and guided me, but it often disappointed and destabilized me, only to temporarily fix the problems it caused. I have found methods and people who have helped me finally address my trauma, instead of avoiding it and blaming it on a scapegoat, which I will mention later. Clergy and Christian peer pressure do not control my friendships and community. My connection with my true community is guided by my intuition, my passion, and the things I discover outside of the hierarchy of religion.
Eventually, I realized I was addicted to religion. Almost every week, someone would approach me after church and say, “Thank you for the fix.” I saw that I was constantly chasing the dragons of my religious experiences, which were more habits from past uses than anything truly helpful for my real life. When I was a pastor, we openly admitted that the feeling we were experiencing in church would not last past Monday when we went back to work. We encouraged people to return during the week for other services and activities, knowing it was all part of the process. Well-meaning people got caught up in the cycle of doing more, with a sign-up sheet always in the back of the church for something to keep them engaged.
One of my desert guides, Professor Bob Mionor of The Fairness Project, also introduced me to the idea that there is a “high of righteousness.” We feel it when we believe we are doing what is right, that our ideas and assumptions are correct, and that God is on our side. In this mindset, we revel in that “humble” feeling of superiority. In Christianity, we even feel at ease isolating ourselves from the “world” so we can celebrate our separateness without protest or discovery. This practice clearly opens the door to various types of abuse and promotes a false narrative.
I’m thriving much better without organized religion. There are far fewer judgments and practices that foster and fuel my fearful thoughts. I’ve let go of my ideas of fitting in and replaced them with deep feelings of belonging. Belonging is a more universal concept, and it doesn’t depend on a specific location or a particular group of people. It also doesn’t require a narrow doctrine or belief system that cannot be explored or questioned. It thrives on exploration, asking meaningful questions, and discovering unexpected answers.
In case you missed it at the start, I am a supporter of community and connection because I believe that attachment is one of our most basic human needs. We are naturally wired for this connection to other humans, to nature, and to the rest of the universe. When organizations attempt to manage this connection, they almost always get it wrong because they prioritize organizational goals and try to apply standard solutions to complex problems. It is ineffective and inefficient, often producing unintended effects.
Ten years is a long time to explore the questions and discoveries that something within me is longing to satisfy. Unlike Christianity’s universal proclamations, magical solutions, and illogical conclusions, I find myself experiencing the hard work required to get better. Not only do I not need religion for my personal transformation, but I realize that my forty-something years as a Christian actually deeply disturbed the process. I am now free to become myself and revel in the peace of my being without the damaging, hierarchical, addictive properties that an organization brings.
Ironically, I write this on Sunday morning. Just outside my window, people are gathering at the church across the street. I am not angry at them for doing what they believe is right for the reasons they think it should be done. I wouldn’t encourage them to stop, but I sincerely hope they get to explore their questions thoroughly and someday discover what it feels like to be themselves and belong, regardless of their group affiliation.
Be where you are, Be who you are, Be at Peace,
Karl Forehand
Why did the Elephant Cross the Bridge?
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