The other day Laura and I were discussing a common issue that arises when we face distressing situations or when something happens that we weren’t expecting and it causes us to spiral or dysregulate because of what we imagine is true. In essence, it centers around a provocative question.
What if that is not true?
I’m not sure where I learned this question, but it can apply to a lot of different situations. Initially, it was the question of my deconstruction. What if my indoctrinated beliefs that I inherited from my community are not true, or what if they are only partially true, or what if they were just something we made up to soothe our anxieties at the time we imagined them?
But it’s not just religious beliefs that we should question. There are also times when things happen and we imagine something is true about another person or what they did or what they might be thinking, and we set about trying to resolve that internally. What if the narrative we have created in our mind is not what the other person is thinking at all?
But we also use these narratives to anticipate what might happen. I believe most of these things are defense mechanisms that we employ trying not to be hurt even when they cause us much unneeded internal stress. We want to avoid the surprises so we write stories in our mind about what is true. But discovering what is actually true takes a lot of rigor and it can’t just be a defensive reaction that makes us feel good for a second. We must consider the question again when narrating our stories.
What if that is not true?
In deconstruction, I had to put all of my assumptions about God, the afterlife, and how spirituality was relevant or not in my life on the table. But I also had to realize that I was narrating what I imagined to be true about other people or what they meant when they said something to me or looked at me a certain way. Of course I had to consider what their opinions might be and what they might do, but I also have to consider the flip side that most of it might have been a creation of my own imagination.
I don’t think this consideration means that we just deny all of our thoughts as irrelevant, because we do have an intuition even though many of us have a hard time reading it. The next question might help us to evaluate more rationally once we have regulated our nervous system.
What else might be true?
Once we have taken a minute to breathe, The logical part of our brain can explore what else might be true. I may not want to believe that people have good intentions, just like I may not want to deny that there is a hell. But before I solidify my assumptions, it is always beneficial to consider all of the possibilities.
Defense systems say, “act quickly because you may be in danger.” But logic and reason says, “it’s worth the time to regulate myself and take a few minutes to think rationally and take care of the distress and anxiety that might be crippling me.”
I think during times when we are not stressed, or spiraling, it is beneficial to take some time to evaluate how many times those distressing thoughts actually came true. Also, it might be helpful to consider how little thought we put into our beliefs that would govern the rest of our lives. Most of the beliefs and assumptions we have were hasty conclusions that we thought would protect us, which instead torment us when we stay in survival mode.
What would be the next question? Which option would be more likely? Do I even really care or have I been conditioned to worry about this? If the bad thing is true about them, isn’t that on them anyway? What would be a better approach?
Keep asking questions!
Be where you are,
Be who you are,
Be at peace
Karl Forehand
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