I vaguely remember a game we used to play when I was young. It was a light, playful game you would play when you were sleepy. We would grab a sibling’s wrist while they were trying to sleep and cause them to lightly smack themselves all the while playfully exclaiming, “stop hitting yourself, stop hitting yourself.” I know, I know, it sounds like I grew up in Oklahoma – you are right!
2020 has been almost too much to bear for many of us. We are facing a pandemic that shows no signs of slowing down. The repercussions of this virus have touched everyone in the world in one way or another. As tensions rise, we cannot help noticing that our planet is more and more under stress and those problems just seem to get worse. Forest fires, global warming, and pollution are harder and harder to ignore. Racial tensions have reached epic proportions. In some situations, we see great progress, but on other fronts, people seem to be digging in, going backward and resisting progress at all cost.
In one way or another, all of us are moved to do something about the issues we face in our world. Moved by religious, political, and ideological angst, we speak up or step out or confront the perceived evil, injustice and ignorance we see in our world. Maybe we should do something! But notice in this statement the shaming aspect of “should” that can very quickly lead us down the wrong path.
When Laura and I were discussing this last night, we realized that we often come to an impasse. We are motived by concern, and that is a good thing; but then we end up feeling overwhelmed because there is so much to do and we are not doing enough – should leads us to shame, and because the problems get worse, we blame ourselves to one degree or another.
Laura teaches 2nd grade, so we thought about them when we were considering this shame dilemma. Our grandkids are not old enough yet to use as examples and our kids are already grown. We thought about those 2nd graders feeling concern for something and the adults in their life saying, “You should do something about that.” That might be appropriate depending on the situation, but what if the adults said, “It’s not getting better, you should do more.” Suppose we heard the children say, “I can’t” and the adults say, “Don’t give me your excuses, you have to do more—it’s a big problem.”
I said to Laura, “That’s cruel, right?”
She said, “It’s abusive!”
Believe it or not, this is remarkably like the internal dialog, most of us go through every day. We notice, we care, and then we are motivated to action. But it is never enough – the problems are so big – and then we shame ourselves because we placed the whole world on our own shoulders. It does not seem to be enough to do what we can – we strive toward some imaginary goal that we can’t quite define.
May I just encourage you today to stop hitting yourself.
Change the things you can in your personal life and try to notice how that has ripple effects beyond even what you can imagine. Take advantage of the opportunities you have, but don’t regret the opportunities you missed—because you always will—none of us are perfect and it doesn’t do any good to shame yourself about the mistakes you will make.
Try to celebrate and be grateful when you get the chance to have an impact, even if it is small. Change “should” language to “could.” Try to notice when others are down and help them back up.
We are all in this together. There is no other. There is only us!
Stop hitting yourself!
Karl
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Karl Forehand is a former pastor, podcaster, and award-winning author. His books include Apparent Faith: What Fatherhood Taught Me About the Father’s Heart and the soon-to-be released Tea Shop. He is the creator of The Desert Sanctuary and Too Many Podcasters podcasts. He is married to his wife Laura of 32 years and has one dog named Winston. His three children are grown and are beginning to multiply!
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