Pain-in-the-arse Jesus junkie complains about anal beads advertisement

Pain-in-the-arse Jesus junkie complains about anal beads advertisement April 6, 2009

BILLBOARD ads for anal beads have upset Bob McCoskrie, head of New Zealand’s Family First fundie group.
The ad shows a satisfied D.Vice sex shop customer wearing a beatific smile as she enjoys a heavenly anal bead moment in church.analbeads
In a painfully convoluted sentence, the joyless godster thundered:

It is completely inappropriate for public billboards to have sex toy advertisements which are both offensive and inappropriate, especially for children to be confronted with, and the church setting simply adds to the offensive nature by offending a sector of our community who would find the ad in particularly bad taste.

Anyone got a spare ball-gag for McCoskrie?
He added:

A company that associates people praying in church and sex toys is quite simply out to offend.

And, according to this report, Wellington’s Catholic Archbishop John Dew said it was “unnecessary and distasteful” to associate a church with a sex shop device, adding:

It is an insult to anyone who recognises a church as a sacred gathering place for believers in God and a place of prayer.

McCoskrie and some anal beads
A pain in the arse - and some anal beads
But Wendy Lee, a director of D.Vice, said the billboard was meant to make people laugh and was not intended to offend.
Marketing spokesman for the company, Rene Bros, added that the campaign showed people thinking about sex while doing everyday tasks such as ironing, going to the bank or attending church.
McCoskrie attacked the Advertising Standards Authority for not vetting ads before they were put on public display, but ASA Chairman Rick Osborne dismissed his complaint, saying there was no need to tighten the regulations governing billboard advertisements.
But Mr Osborne says any member of the public can complain about an advertisement, and the ad is always withdrawn if it’s found to breach advertising codes.
Family First is now lodging a complaint with the ASA against the D.Vice ad.
More details can be found here and here.
Meanwhile, we are anticipating reports of outrage from the Catholic camp over condoms featuring Pope Ratzi on the
According to this report, “the unholy rubbers” are packaged in a wrapper that show the Pontiff raising his hands in the air above the phrase “I Said No!” Sources indicate the item is selling well.
The Pope proclaimed last month that AIDS “cannot be overcome through the distribution of condoms, which even aggravates the problem”.
The comments sparked international criticism from governments, UN agencies and health groups. Belgium lodged a formal complaint about the remarks with the Vatican this week.

"Nah…that ascended to heaven all by its itty-bitty self."

Orlando’s ‘everlasting’ biblical theme park is ..."

Browse Our Archives

Follow Us!

What Are Your Thoughts?leave a comment
  • MrGronk

    It would be hilarious if it were in a magazine, but as a billboard where kids can see it, maybe not so much. I’m not sticking up for christians, mind you, just some sort of decorum.

  • I tend to agree with MrGronk. It’s funny, but it belongs in a sex mag. Putting it on a billboard looks like provocation. The company must have known fundies would have a fit.
    If the Pope has a fit, though, that’s OK with me.

  • It is indeed “unnecessary and distasteful” to associate a church with a sex shop device – it gives sex shops a bad name!
    “Osama Bin Laden” is an anagram of “I’m on anal beads”.
    Strange, but true.

  • valdemar

    Is it wrong for kids to think sex is about having fun? Not sure, but the assumption that ‘children mustn’t know’ might be at the root of a lot of social ills.
    As for sex and churches, Renaissance culture sprang from people like Dante and Petrarch clocking some bird in the chapel and fantasising about her. So Western civilization is, to some extent, based on sexual impulses in places of worship.

  • polomint38

    A nomad lesbian
    Led? O I’m Bananas
    O! Anal sad Bi Men
    Osama Bin Laden is great for anagrams!

  • remigius

    This advertisement has really got me angry. Though I accept that there are some sad, sick people who derive a perverted pleasure from such an unnatural act, I feel that this should be kept as a private shame and not plastered over public billboards.
    Just how would you explain such behaviour to a child?
    “Er, well Timmy, you see some people like to go into an, um, large room and, er, talk to an, er, imaginary zombie. I don’t know why they do it but they do…”
    There is no excuse for depicting such aberrant conduct in a public arena.
    “…those anal beads look fun though. Shall we get some for Mummy?”

  • chrsbol

    nice one!

  • If the freethinker has an award for best comment, remigius should win…I almost did a spit take!

  • Family First? Sometimes the benign, maternal names of these Poofs-Cause-Tidal-Waves fringe groups are even funnier than the leader of one using ‘offended/’offending’ three times in a single sentence.

  • Broga

    I agree with the comments about remigius: he has a gift for the put down twist at the end of a post. Great stuff.
    As for the “anal beads”? What about the effect on a child of being unable to avoid the bleeding, emaciated and tortured figure of Jesus which is near to a primary school in my area. Add in descriptions of nails in the hands etc and some crazy and inexplicable attempts to blame all this on the child. Jesus did all this to save you, you evil little fuckwit.

  • Godless not gormless

    Well said Broga, and remigius of course!

  • Simpleton

    Why are you angry? Does not a three-in-one god, born of a virgin who he impregnated himself, only to kill himself on the cross to spare his own creation from his own wrath mean anything to you?

  • Godless not gormless

    You have to admit. Simpleton has got a point. When it’s explained like that it all becomes very clear. I expect you will start repenting today.

  • “Christianity is the belief that a resurrected Jewish god-man, who was his own father, will let you live forever in paradise — if you ritualistically eat his flesh and telepathically tell him you accept him as your master “so he can remove an evil force from your soul that is present in humanity because a rib-woman was convinced by a talking snake to eat from a magical tree.”
    (John Bice, “No Longer in Limbo.”)

  • remigius

    Godless not gormless.
    Repent? That’s the last thing I’ll do!

  • Stonyground

    Interestingly, I first became aware of these things from the James Clavel novel Shogun which I read after watching the mini series on TV. They had them in feudal Japan apparently, can’t say that I’ve ever tried them though.

  • chrsbol

    For all the use they are you may as well shove em your arse!
    sorry somebody had to say it.

  • remigius

    ‘For all the use they are you may as well shove em your arse!’
    This comment would work equally well on the hospital chaplain post!

  • Are you telling me that anal beads and rosary beads are not the same?!?

  • remigius

    cognitive dissident.
    Well they both give pleasure to an arsehole!

  • Barry Duke

    Oh Remigius, thank you so much for that quality comment!
    Not a lotta people know this, but I have a part-time job in a sex shop, and have more than a passing acquaintance with anal beads (or love balls as they are also known).
    Two of my colleagues are ex-Catholics-turned-atheists, and when I repeated it to them this evening they wept with uncontrolled mirth!

  • remigius

    ‘..they wept with uncontrolled mirth!’
    Catholics have always had a problem with mirth control!

  • remigius

    ‘Not a lotta people know this, but I have a part-time job in a sex shop,…’
    Does Barry’s Porn Emporium do mail order?
    It’s Fathers Day in June. I’m thinking along the lines of a gimp mask, butt plug and an inflatable Ann Widdecombe.
    Do you do gift wrap?

  • Godless not gormless

    “Catholics have always had a problem with mirth control!”

  • Barry Duke

    As it happens, Remigius, we do do mail order and gift wrap. The gimp masks come in a variety of materials, the butt plugs in several sizes (small to You Have Got be Kidding), but sadly we don’t do the Widdecombe inflatable.
    Unfortunately, we also don’t stock the sort of religiously-themed vaginal and anal inserts which you can only get from the good old US of A here. Divine Interventions are purveyors of such delights as the Baby Jesus Butt Plug, God’s Immaculate Rod, and the very popular Jackhammer Jesus.

  • remigius

    Does ‘…You Have Got [to] be Kidding’ in any way at all, refer to the leisure time activities of those Catholic clergy we are so often reading about in the press?
    And is it mandatory?

  • Callisto

    I love this site! I love you guys, you make me laugh and laugh… you relieve the misery of the spiteful religious wormtongues…
    please, never go away!

  • Pingback: Things they would have difficulty believing in Salt Lake City XXXI « Five Public Opinions()

  • Loves a joke

    “Mummy what are anal beads?”
    “Beads that come from the planet Uranus”
    see problem solved!