Pickle proves God exists; devastated Dawkins renounces atheism

Pickle proves God exists; devastated Dawkins renounces atheism April 1, 2009

INCONTROVERTIBLE proof of the existence of God this week has sent shockwaves through atheist communities around the world.
After witnessing a daring and complex laboratory experiment, Professor Dawkins exclaimed:

All my work has been exposed as a sham. Atheism is a cruel hoax! I appeal to evangelists and creationists everywhere to forgive me for all I have done to pooh-pooh their beliefs.

The experiment can be seen below.
Chewing hard on his lower lip, and brushing away tears, Dawkins ordered that all copies of his bestselling The God Delusion be removed from bookshelves around the world, and pulped.
Other prominent atheist writers and commentators – including Christopher Hitchens – immediately followed Dawkins example, while atheist organisations around the globe called emergency meetings to decide whether to disband immediately, or re-invent themselves as religious organisations.
Terry Sanderson, President of the National Secular Society, said:

This has come as a terrible shock, and I imagine all of our supporters are devastated too. But I would urge everyone to keep a cool head. The first thing we need to do is fall on our knees, pray and repent.

He added:

We have recruited a prominent and highly-experienced Repentance Advisor – Bob Hutton, an evangelist from Broadstairs in Kent – to guide us through repentance procedures which we will pass onto our members in the form of a modestly-priced kit including a DVD (£599.99 inc VAT and pp).
Furthermore, we have replaced our debaptism certificate with one declaring ‘Ex-Atheist – Hallalujah, I Have Found the Light of Jesus At Last!’ â„¢ (£199.99 inc VAT and pp).
We are open to suggestions regarding a name change for the society.

He said that, after witnessing the miraculous pickle experiment, top NSS officials concluded that the NSS had clearly been infiltrated by “imps, djinn and demons”.

All necessary steps have been taken to recruit reputable exorcists to clear these hellish entities out of our organisation.

Freethinker editor Barry Duke, clutching a Bible which he frequently used “to highlight the loopholes, atrocities, absurdities and contradictions” it contained, was last seen banging on the doors of the Calvary Evangelical Church – 100 metres from his home in Brighton – begging to be let it.

He was far too distraught to comment.
But a member of his household, who asked not to be identified, told police that Duke had earlier tried to replicate the experiment using a large Polish pickle.

There was a really loud bang, and both of us were peppered with fragments of warm cucumber and white-hot cutlery. It’s a miracle that we’re still alive. Oh, and all the lights went out in the flat … and the street … and the block …

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  • Dr William Harwood

    Some April Fool’s jokes are funny. This was not one of them.

  • Oh, lighten up a bit!
    As a passionate atheist, I had planned to convert to Christianity on my deathbed, thereby assuring myself of a place in heaven, and providing a comforting ad hominem story for future Christian apologists to rely on. But having read this, I might not be able to wait. I might just convert at 11:59 this morning…..

  • Jaddy

    So, is he suggesting to stick forks into both ends of each atheist and electrocute them until they glow or does he rather want to say that all good christian (brains) are already electro-cooked? Seems that becoming christian is a smelly procedure and after that you’re fried.

  • Very nice. I’m sure lots of Christians will be highly let down after learning this story’s true nature. 😀

  • Hilarious.
    Almost as hilarious as people feeling they need to put “Dr” in their comments’ name field.

  • remigius

    I knew it, I bloody knew it.
    We’ve been blinded by Satan all along. I’m just going for a coffee and a crap then I’m gonna REPENT!

  • Just read about this on Pharyngula. PZ Myers conceded too. Word from Dan Dennett: he’s applying for a divinity post at Bob Jones U., if they’ll have him.
    Ominous silence from Chris Hitchins. We’re praying for him.

  • newspaniard

    So, Bob was right all along. After you with the bog roll, Remigius. I think what I need is a good 3 hours of “The Sound Of Music” to put my enlightened spirit in the right mood.

  • David L

    I for one pride myself on my faith in atheism. I know I now hold these beliefs against all the proof presented here, but it’s a matter of faith and nothing you can say will change my mind 🙂
    Oh Barry, the Investigating Christian Voice blog is no longer there.

  • Amusing video – A few points…
    who calls a jar – a bottle?
    why so non-specific – a pickle? its a gherkin. onions, cabbages brains, can also be pickles.
    The gibbering old cretin is right about one thing – do not try christianity at home as it could be dangerous.
    And if this is for children – the prick wants locking up as its incredibly stupid to piss about with salad objects and electricity – and may lead to a few young americans being shortlisted for a darwin award.
    Funny though, the way steam shoots out of it when you can see it with the light on – dripping away and resembling a christian being irate and frothing at the mouth at something that doesn’t concern them, such as stephen green and gays.

  • Nice one, Dave. Love Grandpa wotsit. Who put him up to it?

  • Gloworm

    It looked like the ‘Christian’ gherkin was giving off lots of terrible gas at the end. I hope he’s not suggesting believers are full of shit. We know of course that couldn’t possibly true.

  • Smelly

    Nice- the application of his metaphorical “religion” fries the pickle and makes it smoke and leak fluid…
    Pleasant. 🙂
    Convert, and you, too, can smoke, burn, and expel your bodily fluids.

  • Elsewhere, Stephen Green and Mike Judge announce their engagement.

  • Michael

    I renounced atheism after watching Ray Comfort explaining the Glory of the banana in this video
    However i now see that Jesus can zap pickles and thats an even more convincing testament of God –Thank you Jesus (Glory)

  • Wurble

    What I don’t understand is who is he trying to convince? After all, non believers will just laugh at the obvious stupidity of his experiment and believers, well, they already believe that’s why we call them believers. Seems like a bit of a waste of time and pickles to me.

  • Broga

    Breaking news. Richard Dawkins is being fast tracked for Sainthood. Pope expects to do a rush job and put him ahead of the other 3005 others currently waiting. Ratty has even agreed in an unprecedented move that Dawkins is to be promoted to Sainthood while still alive.
    “When you are losing followers the way we are something has to be done and this will bring the atheists on board,” says a Vatican spokespriest.

  • Wurble

    St Richard, the patron saint of flip flopping! Its got quite a ring to it. ( said the catholic priest about his favourite choir boy! )

  • David L

    Wurble, that just put a sick image in my head. Thanks.

  • Godless not gormless

    Great post!
    Bastard! You beat me to it! I was thinking along the same lines as you as I was watching. Pickled brains, steam and frothing and don’t try christianty at home in particular!
    Well done!

  • :o)

  • Godless not gormless

    Thanks for that link to the banana story.
    For those of you who have not yet seen the light and formally renounced your Atheism, I urge you to look at Michael’s link. If that doesn’t convince you, further proof (as if it was needed) can be found here:
    Peanut butter, the Atheists nightmare
    God bless you all

  • Elsewhere, Stephen Green and Mike Judge announce their engagement.


  • My Prayers have come True.

  • Godless not gormless

    Welcome back! It’s been a long time since you were here. You must have been off praying hard for us all and you have proven that prayer really does work after all. The lord hath come to save our pitiful sinful souls. Truly he hath not forsaken us! Just in time for easter too, so we can all indulge in some chocky eggs! How wonderful our lord and saviour is.

  • Thank you, Mr Godlike.
    Ya know, I even did a double-tithe to my favorite Baptist Church yesterday to make sure my Prayers got answered.
    It works every time!
    Happy Atheists day.
    YOURS in HIM

  • elaine

    This is the truth but I have had in my head for quite a time to write a story about the day religion ceased, and what a wonderful time this would be, at last we may have peace on earth. Perhaps this would be a good idea for a contest on these lines.
    Evem lmpwomg this was not true gave me a sick feeling in my stomach.

  • elaine

    slightly revised….
    This is the truth but I have had in my head for quite a time to write a story about the day religion ceased, and what a wonderful time this would be, at last we may have peace on earth. Perhaps this would be a good idea for a contest on these lines.
    Although I know this is not true reading it gave me a sick feeling in my stomach.

  • remigius

    Evem lmpwomg. Wow…that was some typo! It certainly gets my vote.
    What a profound thought, the day religion ceased. Such a beautiful concept. Do you imagine a kind of armistice, we shall all stop believing this nonsense at 11 o’clock on VR Day (Victory of Reality)?
    I prefer to think of the demise of religion as occurring in the same manner as those dying languages that we seldom hear about. Maybe there will come a time when only a few die-hard deluded duffers, sat in their old folks home, strain to remember the shite that they once believed in.
    I can envisage old Bob and Anjem, trying to recollect just what bollocks they were so passionate about, and coming to the conclusion that they may have shat their lives away on a whim.
    After all, every single one of the several thousand other gods that mankind has invented, and accommodated, has met a similar demise.
    Oh the anticipation!
    Oh the joy!

  • David

    So, believing in god will get you into a pickle? I wonder what would happen if he stuck the pickle up his . . . oh, never mind.

  • Now that it has gone noon everywhere, I should give credit where it’s due and reveal that the above spoof was written not by me but by Barry, who posted it in my name.

  • Godless not gormless

    Is the video a spoof or just the story?

  • The video is real!

  • Paulzz

    An curious metaphor made more compelling by the fact that passing electricity through a human being is still practiced in many US States. Nine of them (all governed by fundamentalist Christians) have ‘energised’ 155 non-believers since 1976.
    It certainly does make you glow inside.

  • Stonyground

    I first came across this item while on my dinner break at work. Unfortunately we can’t watch videos on the work computers as the connection is too slow and there is no sound, so I’m reading all the comments and wondering what it was all about. Now that I have actually watched it, hell I just can’t believe the utter stupidity of it, it is just, just, so utterly utterly crass. What a pillock what an industrial grade moron, and he has actually paraded his stupidity in front of the entire fooking planet.

  • Godless not gormless

    So, if the video is real, what kind of spoof is this? The story itself was obviously a spoof and no one here thought otherwise. I thought we were all just taking the piss out of the video, the guy who wrote it and xtianity in general.
    I fail to see how we were spoofed. Surely you don’t imagine that anyone actually thought that Richard Dawkins, Christopher Hitchens etc were actually, genuinely planning on converting?