INCONTROVERTIBLE proof of the existence of God this week has sent shockwaves through atheist communities around the world.
After witnessing a daring and complex laboratory experiment, Professor Dawkins exclaimed:
All my work has been exposed as a sham. Atheism is a cruel hoax! I appeal to evangelists and creationists everywhere to forgive me for all I have done to pooh-pooh their beliefs.
The experiment can be seen below.
Chewing hard on his lower lip, and brushing away tears, Dawkins ordered that all copies of his bestselling The God Delusion be removed from bookshelves around the world, and pulped.
Other prominent atheist writers and commentators – including Christopher Hitchens – immediately followed Dawkins example, while atheist organisations around the globe called emergency meetings to decide whether to disband immediately, or re-invent themselves as religious organisations.
Terry Sanderson, President of the National Secular Society, said:
This has come as a terrible shock, and I imagine all of our supporters are devastated too. But I would urge everyone to keep a cool head. The first thing we need to do is fall on our knees, pray and repent.
He said that, after witnessing the miraculous pickle experiment, top NSS officials concluded that the NSS had clearly been infiltrated by “imps, djinn and demons”.
We have recruited a prominent and highly-experienced Repentance Advisor – Bob Hutton, an evangelist from Broadstairs in Kent – to guide us through repentance procedures which we will pass onto our members in the form of a modestly-priced kit including a DVD (Â£599.99 inc VAT and pp).
Furthermore, we have replaced our debaptism certificate with one declaring â€˜Ex-Atheist – Hallalujah, I Have Found the Light of Jesus At Last!’ â„¢ (Â£199.99 inc VAT and pp).
We are open to suggestions regarding a name change for the society.
All necessary steps have been taken to recruit reputable exorcists to clear these hellish entities out of our organisation.
Freethinker editor Barry Duke, clutching a Bible which he frequently used “to highlight the loopholes, atrocities, absurdities and contradictions” it contained, was last seen banging on the doors of the Calvary Evangelical Church – 100 metres from his home in Brighton – begging to be let it.
But a member of his household, who asked not to be identified, told police that Duke had earlier tried to replicate the experiment using a large Polish pickle.
There was a really loud bang, and both of us were peppered with fragments of warm cucumber and white-hot cutlery. It’s a miracle that we’re still alive. Oh, and all the lights went out in the flat … and the street … and the block …