Spanish priest challenges Church to measure his anus

Spanish priest challenges Church to measure his anus July 12, 2011

WITH no apparent evidence other than a photograph of Spanish priest Andreas Garci­a Torres hugging a young Cuban seminarian, the Catholic bishop of Getafe has leapt to the outrageous conclusion that there is something gay about two topless men in a warm embrace.
According to this report, the bishop now wants the priest to abandon his parish in the Madrid dormitory town of Fuenlabrada, undergo a psychiatric cure, and take an HIV test.
Torres responded by saying he intends going to Rome to show that he is being expelled from his parish unfairly.
The priest, who insists that he and the 28-year-old with whom he was photographed on a trip to Fatima are just good friends, and threw down this challenge:

Let them measure my anus and see if it is dilated.

He said his mum hadn’t stopped crying over what has happened.
Locals say that the priest is a very humane person, dedicated to helping others. More than 1,000 signatures have been gathered in his support.
Hat tip: Alistair

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  • remigius


  • MrGronk

    “Get thee behind me!”
    I suspect he may indeed be a bum virgin. Any anal aficionado will tell you that the typical anus will tighten up again quite nicely after a good rodgering. Complications only arise after excessive and outsized traffic.
    But plenty of gays never make it from “ow” to “wow” so a tight jacksy is hardly compelling proof of innocence.

  • remigius

    Believe it or not there is actually a special chair in the Vatican, the sedia stercoraria, that is used for examining the Popes testicles. Perhaps they could use that. Along with a knob of butter and a vernier gauge.

  • Jobrag

    Ho Hum priest accused of being homosexual with no hint of coercion, get kicked out of his parish by the RC church, priest proven to be an predatory pedophile is moved from parish to parish and protected by RC church, funny old world isn’t it.

  • Tessa K

    Perhaps he believes it’s more blessed to give than to receive.

  • tony e

    I thought your statement about that chair had to be made up, so I checked on wikipedia. Just when I thought I had heard all the stupidity that the RC church could throw up, I now find they have a chair for checking a pope’s sexuality. I now have an image of some poor cardinal grabbing Ratty’s testicles and saying ‘Its a ‘bhoy’ !’

  • stargraves

    Tony e = surely they shout it’s a prick!

  • JenniferT

    “Kiss my ass” is so old hat now. I’m taking up “measure my anus!” instead.

  • Barry Duke

    This report made it to Reddit (, where someone commented: *The priest, who insists that her and the 28-year-old with whom he was photographed on a trip to Fátima are just good friends, and threw down this challenge.* That is the best typo I have seen in a very long time.
    Whoops! That’s what happens when one blogs while suffering excruciating toothache.
    Some of the other hilarious comments helped take my mind off the pain. Those, and TWO injections administered a couple of hours ago.

  • JohnMWhite

    Hope you feel better, Barry Duke. This story and the comments have had me laughing too. It’s like a Monty Python sketch.

  • In a sidelong defence of Andrés García Torres, I’d like to make an observation. I live in Spain myself, in Madrid in fact, and one of the things which struck me when I first came here was the lack of physical boundaries between men. In an entirely non-sexual way I have seen old men, young men, the middle-aged, even boys, quite casually walking or talking with an arm across the shoulder of their friend, clearly with absolutely no feelings of self-consciousness on either part.
    As a fresh arrival from England it was almost jaw-droppingly strange to see – no-one would do that back home who wasn’t forced to by a critical desire to reach the next pub without crawling. Now I actually find it quite sweet, and I hope the Spanish as a people will forgive me my patronising tone.
    There is a degree of comfortable physicality between men here in general, and even after four years I am occasionally taken aback by it. Guys casually standing right there in your personal space during a chat is fairly common too, sometimes I find myself consciously having to not take a step back to avoid giving offence. Guys, when was the last time you talked to a man and his face took up 50% of your field of vision? I’m not including Private Joker in that question.
    So, all that was just to say that I think it is at least arguable that the good father here was just being friendly. Or maybe not, maybe he is gay and ashamed of it, which would be a pity. Or, perhaps he’s afraid of losing his job, which is quite a significant problem on the Iberian peninsula these days.
    I should clarify here that the “entirely non-sexual way” refered to above was an observation of Spanish inter-male relationships, and not in relation to my observation of Spanish males.
    Er, no, actually, that’s “entirely non-sexual” in relation to the observing as well. Couldn’t be less sexual. Ask my girlfriend, she’s not even Spanish.
    Anyway, if one were to click on my name one would find further observations regarding the feelings and behaviours of potential Spanish priests which may or may not reflect the opinions of I, Cliff Knoetz, and/or other persons.

  • Stonyground

    I believe that the special gender checking commode that is used by the RCC was introduced after the election of a female Pope. Pope Joan posed as a man and managed to fool the conclave into electing her Pope and her cover was only blown because she gave birth to a sprog in the street. Why on earth they felt that they needed a special chair rather than just asking candidates to drop their drawers for a second is anybody’s guess but this is the RCC we’re talking about. I tend to have an image of them using a lead light and one of those low trolleys that mechanics use for sliding under cars.

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  • barriejohn

    I hope they get to the bottom of the matter.
    The existence of Pope Joan is dubious, and these stools may have been a sort of bidet, maybe useful for incontinent old men!

  • Joanna Clark

    The chair to confirm the Pope’s testicles most-likely came about because of Pope Joan (Pope John VIII), which implies that Pope Joan was more than legend.

  • They don’t need to break out the Vernier calipers: just feed the guy a few cans of beans. If they can hear him farting, they’ll know his ring has had the usual one-way traffic …

  • tony e

    I’m going to sound a bit thick, but how does a person measure an arsehole? My first thought was ‘Well Tony Blair is 6ft of arsehole’ but that had me laughing for only a minute.

  • Linda

    @Cliff Knoetz
    I went to Spain when I was 17, and one of the first things that I noticed was that ‘personal space’ was much smaller than in America. Who knows (or cares) if the priest in question is gay or not. The younger man in the picture looks of age and not at all bothered. I would only hope that, if the priest is gay, he would leave an organization that oppresses homosexuals.

  • David Anderson

    Cliff Knoetz
    I too live in Spain (Galicia) and I have many male friends who hug and kiss me on the cheek when we meet. Physical contact between men has no sexual meaning in these circumstances and is quite natural. Like you though, it took me some time to get used to it.
    I think the problem with the photo is that you can´t see the hands and the look on the young man´s face…. well.

  • Blatant Fake, notice the reflection in the pupils is two different light sources between the two men, it is a composite photo. Nice job getting your site in the position to be sued for slander and libel. I recognized this was a fake in less than 3 seconds, the editor of this news site is obviously slipping here.

  • Bryan

    May he find a rod and shaft to comfort him.

  • Hermano!

  • Bryan

    Are Spanish gays also known as Senor Eaters?

  • barriejohn
  • chrsbol

    Dated today. Seems a lot like the comment from remigius?

  • remigius

    @chrsbol. Bloody ‘ell. Feels like I’ve been burgled.

  • remigius

    @jargon. Idiot. It is not a composite. The priest acknowledges that it is both of them in the photo, what he is denying is that he takes it up the arse!
    Pay attention next time, monkey-boy.

  • cnocspeireag

    Tony e, The poor unfortunate who has to perform the papal grope is supposed to exclaim “Duos habet et bene pendentes”, not ‘it’s a bhoy’.

  • Normand

    The problem here is that this became public knowledge which is a no-no regardless of how innocent it may be and if it became known that 2 men of the church were lovers, well, that is even worse in the eyes of the Vatican. However, if the priest had abused a couple of dozen underage boys over the years then there would be no problem at all as long as it stays secret. He would simply be moved to another parish and no one would be any wiser. Bloody hypocrites!

  • Edward Jackson

    Being a gay myself. I hate to say it.. But, that is a picture of two men in love! Ha! Ha!

  • tony e

    I live in Glasgow where one of the teams football (Celtic) has a very strong catholic following. They are generally referred to as the ‘bhoys’. The other major team (Rangers) generally has a strong protestant following.
    It’s a major source of irritation living in a city where the 2 things I dislike the most (religion and football) go hand in bigoted hand.

  • Mrs Patrick Campbell

    Since they are both total fug, who cares !!??

  • @remigius,
    It doesn’t matter what the priest says about the photo. It is a composite fake, and maybe you are just too hardheaded to look for yourself or maybe too uneducated to spot such a fake in the way I have outlined. The light source for one man does not match the light source of the other man. ’nuff said. His hair is evenly slightly transparent on the facial overlap.

  • A, Nuran

    Vegetarians eat vegetables.
    Breatharians lived of air.
    What do seminarians eat?
    (The Good Father wasn’t doing anything wrong. He was just demonstrating how to put the Holy Ghost into someone and fill him with Living Water)

  • Tara

    And people wonder why I asked to get excommunicated.

  • remigius

    @jargon. Then I suggest you get yourself a better monitor, perhaps a Pantone calibrated one like the one I use for my photography. Looking at both the original, and a version I enlarged in Genuine Fractals, the photo is truly not a composite. It was most probably taken by the man on the right of the picture using a compact camera in his left hand!
    And get over your obsession with light sources. It looks to be the same primary source. But even if it isn’t, so fuckin’ what. When I photograph landscapes there is only ever one light source, the sun. But when I photograph people there is always more that one light source. Artificial lighting and flash if the photo is indoors, or sunlight and fill if it is outside.


  • blaqjesus

    he could just be a top…

  • AtLeast ItsNotALittleBoy …ThisTime

    So to not appear gay he offers to have things inserted into his anus… I’m not gonna lie that sounds a little gay.

  • Don

    @Jargon: I don’t see why you’re trying to argue that the photo is a fake. The priest in question isn’t trying to claim the photo isn’t genuine, he’s claiming that it doesn’t mean there’s anything sexual between him and the other man. If he’s not denying the photo is real, why are you?

  • Cassandra

    “is a very humane person,”
    That proves it – he’s gay.

  • chibt

    What is the expression on the younger priest’s face? I can’t quite place it. Total relaxation — kind of bedroom eyes.

  • Tman

    The Church and everyone in it are useless sacks of shit that believe in an imaginary man that lives in the sky and judges everyone after they die. Anyone that believes in that level of stupidity needs to have a 6 inch cock jabbed up their asses..hopefully that will bring them to their senses.,..dumb shits

  • Bruce

    Hot, gay and post-coital. God bless them. Too bad they didn’t make a video.

  • Chaz

    A very cute and handsome young dude… I can see his interest…

  • Andrew


  • robgutie

    Fuck the measurement. They should have a lineup of gay and straight men bent over then compare his starfish to theirs.

  • Mirza

    “The priest, who insists that her and the 28-year-old with whom he was photographed on a trip to Fátima are just good friends”.

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  • dawn

    Catholics are one of the stupider religions. Gay priests and molester priest are abundant. idiots. Who cares if he’s gay? Your god is a retarded god.

  • Victor

    So, he likes having his anus measured. I thought I’d heard of everything.

  • Anonymous

    It is a win-win for the priest, isn’t it?

  • S Santistevan

    What does this portend for female catholics? Mother superiors and their novices? Well, possibly Bunuel would have had los cojones to tackle this sensitive topic.

  • Graham ASH-PORTER

    Better than him ramming it to young children of either sex, like the rest of them do. Disgusting, (supposed virgins) pontificating on sexuals morals.

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  • In the old days, young men had an ambition to enter the priesthood. It would appear these days, it’s the other way round…

  • CriticalEyeYayeye

    He should have challenged the ‘Poop’ to suck his Anus!!!!

  • Not all priests are gay, but they are all faggots. Who cares what happens to this guy. Maybe getting expelled will cause him to think rationally for once in his life.

  • Tommy H

    Being gay myself…i find this article hilarious!
    the RC Church and any form of Christianity have the same out-dated, colloquial and side splittingly funny views! i was having a miserable day until i read this, honestly! they should turn it into a sitcom of some sort lol,
    and who cares what the horde of pedophiles thinks?!? seriously and if he’s gay then he’s gay! and as others have said…the look on the younger guys face looks totally post coital.
    not to sound hateful myself in the slightest but the Vatican should either be destroyed as there’s no need for such a baroque building in this day and age, or it should be turned into a museum or some other useful building rather than be used to house 10000’s of pedophiles, rape condoning, bigoted and self righteous pre-jugemental Morons. ’nuff said ^.^

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  • George

    Thank you Nuran, i love you man

  • Samantha

    Measure your own damn anus!! 😛