The future of humankind rests on an unblemished red heifer

The future of humankind rests on an unblemished red heifer September 11, 2018

Creators of religious laws must surely have been giggling hysterically into their beards when they devised sets of laws and rituals that go way beyond all human comprehension.
Take the case of the red heifer. Only a joker (or maybe several) would have devised a sorcerous recipe for the establishment of a third holy Temple in Israel that involves reducing a red heifer to ashes – ashes that then need to be mixed with cedarwood, a “holy” herb called hyssop, wool or yarn dyed scarlet and spring water.
The Temple Institute attempts to shine light on what it calls “the deepest mystery of the Torah”.

Perhaps it would be difficult for some to believe that a cow could be so important. But in truth, the fate of the entire world depends on the red heifer. For G-d has ordained that its ashes alone are the single missing ingredient for the reinstatement of Biblical purity – and thereafter, the rebuilding of the Holy Temple.

The institute acknowledges that the whole concept is so bizarre that even one of the sharpest tools in the Old Testament couldn’t get his head around it.

King Solomon, who was the wisest of all human beings who ever lived, understood every aspect of G-d’s creation. Tradition relates that he even knew the languages of all the animals. Yet he was not able to fathom the secret of the red heifer …

In order for a red heifer to be suitable for slaughter and cremation, it must have certain attributes. First, it’s has to be virgin. Second, it must be entirely red, with no more than two non-red hairs on its body. Third, it must also never have been used for any form of labour.
It’s not surprising then to learn that only nine of the ginger beasts have met this strict criteria in the past 2,000 years.

But last week, Charisma News brought tidings of great joy to its readers. A tenth biblically-perfect red heifer, praise the Lord, had been born in Israel.
It reported that, almost three years ago, the Temple Institute inaugurated its Raise a Red Heifer in Israel programme. Due to laws restricting the importation of live cattle into Israel, the institute imported frozen embryos of red Angus, implanting them in Israeli domestic cows.
As a result, one newborn heifer has been certified by a board of rabbis as fulfilling all the biblical requirements. But the rabbis cautioned that the heifer could, at any time, acquire a blemish, rendering it unsuitable. They will be inspecting the calf periodically to verify its condition.
As I understand it, apart from being the catalyst that will bring about the third Temple, the red heifer’s ashes will also facilitate the Second Coming of Jesus Christ.
Or, much more likely, the anti-Christ, warns sceptical evangelist Anita Fuentes in the hysterical video below.

The institute says:

The commandment of the red heifer is one of those ordinances that belong to the category of chok (plural, chukim).

Another word, perhaps, for cock-and-bull?

These are statutes that G-d decreed that cannot be understood by human reasoning. Rather, He requires that we perform them on account of our love and fear for Him. Although we can try to delve into the explanation of these laws, and attempt to find some allusion or sense of the ideas conveyed, we know that ultimately their true meaning is beyond our intellectual grasp.

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  • AgentCormac

    ‘King Solomon, who was the wisest of all human beings who ever lived…’
    But, I thought that was Donald Trump?

  • sailor1031

    Well of course it’s Trump now (lucky us). But up until Trump it was Solomon who held the record – I looked it up in the Guinness Book.

  • gedediah

    That’s a great story. It’s a good thing everyone agrees that’s all it is and doesn’t take it seriously. Erm…

  • AgentCormac

    BTW, that video is batshit crazy (or at least the presenter is batshit crazy).
    And its ends with an urgent request for cash – whoever would have thought?

  • andym

    These people demand a say in how the rest of the world leads their lives. It’s not in spite of believing crap like this. They think it’s the crap that qualifies them to interfere.

  • Angela_K

    If these religious loons go to the farm in Devon where I was born there are red heifers born there every year.

  • Gary

    Absurd … and fucking dangerous. These lunes ache for the end of times based upon an alignment of meaningless unrelated arcane events. We are all hostage to primitive nonsense. And when the fundie jews proclaim all the criteria are fulfilled mayhem and destruction will ensue, the muslim world will react badly and thermonueclear catastrophe, courtesy of Iran, will lay waste to a land which from biblical times has been doomed not because of some godly action but because stupid self absorbed rabid nutters can’t grow up .

  • Rob Andrews

    WOW….That proves how smart and powerful God is. Like the trinity, we can’t understand gods mysterious ways. He’s too great.
    I’ve actually heard Christians say this kind of thing. But I’m not going to waste time arguing.
    “It ain’t the parts of the Bible I don’t understand that bother me, It’s the parts that I DO understand, that bother me”. –Mark Train

  • Stonyground

    Solomon was supposed to be incredibly wise but the only example given is when he threatened to chop a baby in half. Also STFU about Trump, in what way is he remotely relevant to a story about a red heifer?

  • Dianne Leonard

    I also think it was Mark Twain who said that every writer has to have a good, built-in bullshit detector. Apparently this would be helpful for believers, too.

  • StephenJP

    Well, I think we should encourage them to take this apparition incredibly seriously, ensure by all forensic means possible that the divine heifer has no more than two red hairs or any other blemish, then slaughter and burn it in accordance with all the ancient texts, mix its ashes with hyssop and all the rest of the gunk, offer up all the prescribed prayers, then stand by and witness….
    Nothing. Nada. Zilch.
    And their reaction when nothing happens?
    Ah, well, there must have been a blemish we failed to spot, or the hyssop wasn’t properly fumigated, or the spring water was polluted, or…well, anything to avoid admitting that the whole thing is a piece of primitive superstition and ignorance.
    Should be good for a laugh, if nothing else.

  • AgentCormac

    I’m not altogether sure the heifer would consider it a good laugh, but putting my innate pedantic nature to one side, I do take your point. Let them get on with it and then watch how they squirm while trying to knock the square peg of their religious nonsense into the round hole of reality.
    Their torturous logic will no doubt be in the same vein as those ‘end of times’ nutjobs, such as the late Harold Camping, who just kept on getting it wrong somehow and then had the embarrassing job of trying to explain why they’d fucked up so badly. Again. Entertaining in one way, utterly depressing in another.

  • StephenJP

    @AC: depressing indeed, not least for the poor sods who have been duped by the millennialists over the centuries, often to the extent of disposing of their life savings in the belief that they won’t need them any more. The Millerites, the Seventh Day Adventists, the Mormons, the JWs, the Campingites…there seems no end to end-of-times sects, nor to the litany of sad fools who are willing to be taken in by them.
    And I don’t exclude the adherents of the “mainstream” churches from the latter description.

  • RusellW

    I can’t help thinking that all this religious drivel is going to be bad news for the Palestinians. I’ll bet that the ideal, God-ordained location for the “Third Temple” is on Palestinian land.

  • sailor1031

    Stonyground: didn’t you know? Trump is the smartest man alive. The smartest man who’s ever lived. We know because he told us it is so. At rallies; at meetings; via twittter etc. Hence AC’s comment. We really shouldn’t have to give coloured diagrams you know! But since you asked so politely…..

  • sailor1031

    Who gets to check that the two non-red hairs aren’t at the heifer’s rear end? Do they get extra hazard pay? Or is this a job for under-employed mohels?

  • 1859

    And while we are at the heifer’s rear end, what do they do with the red beast’s shit? It too must be holy? Sometimes, when I read such stuff, I wonder if I really do live in the 21st century.

  • 1859

    I forgot to quote anapt saying from one of the Marx Brothers,
    …(wait for it)…’heifer cow’s better than none’….

  • AgentCormac

    @ Stonyground
    Thanks for telling me to shut the fuck up – nice contribution.
    As I’m sure you’re aware, Trump has a long history of using hyperbole to describe his own talents and attributes. So in this case, comparing him to Solomon is, I would suggest, entirely relevant as a humorous addition to the thread. I can only apologise if I’ve bruised your sensibilities by disparaging one of your idols.

  • Graham Martin-Royle

    And we’re supposed to “respect” this shit!

  • andym

    Trump is one of the world’s most powerful people. He has an avowed anti-secularist agenda.Evangelical nutters voted en masse for him.They prop up his regime,considering him to be fulfilling “God’s plan.” Unfortunately, he’s gonna be relevant to a lot of threads on here for the foreseeable.

  • Cali Ron

    I believe the end of mankind is coming due to mankind’s self destructive and contradictory nature, but not by any act of god. In fact, the end of man will be the end of all gods because they only exist in the minds of men.
    I got a good laugh at the video. 19 minutes of stream of consciousness bible babble to beg for money. Her god must be a real tight ass, give your nutters some cash god and quit being such a scrooge.

  • Brian Jordan

    After nine of these beasts have already been and gone, yet still no rebuilding, isn’t it time they got a bit suspicious of the prediction?
    But no – instead they use advanced modern animal husbandry to up the chances of a tenth failure. Isn’t that cheating? What comes next – Genetically Modified Ginger?