Rapture-ready Christian: ‘I need me a Jew to take care of my dog’

Rapture-ready Christian: ‘I need me a Jew to take care of my dog’ January 27, 2020

A RABBI based in America’s Bible Belt revealed last week that a concerned Christian flabbergasted him by saying that he needed a Jew – but definitely not an atheist – to take care of his dog when the Rapture occurs.

Writing for The Forward, Jonathan Miller – Rabbi Emeritus of Temple Emanu-El in Birmingham, Alabama –  said:

Many Christians in my part of the country live in a state of constant anticipation of what they call the ‘Rapture.’ They believe the end of time will come in stages. The first stage, the ‘Rapture,’ will draw believers into heaven to be close with Jesus so they can avoid the end of time travails; Armageddon, in other words.

After that, God will judge those who remain behind and bring some to heaven and cast the rest to eternal perdition. We Jews are not lost, entirely, because we’re in the first group. We have reservations on the train to eternal bliss — it just leaves a little later.

Miller said that that the man who telephoned him explained that:

Before the Second Coming, Jesus is gonna appear and all good Christians are gonna be swept into heaven, and the only people left on earth are gonna be the Jews and the atheists.

Now don’t you worry, Rabbi, before the Second Coming, God’s gonna take care of the Jews too. So, when the Rapture comes, I need me a Jew to take care of my dog. I don’t want my dog being raised by no atheist.

Miller responded by saying:

Mr Higgins [not his real name], it will be my pleasure and honor to care for Millie during the Rapture. I will make sure that she is in good hands with a loving Jewish family.

Higgins than asked the rabbi how he could get his dog – a three years old yellow Labrador mix – to Millers home.

Miller’s solution?

Mr Higgins, you just put the synagogue’s address on the inside of her collar. When the Rapture comes, I will fetch Millie. Promise.

A grateful Higgins ended the call by saying:

Wait until I tell the folks in my Bible study that I got the rabbi to take care of Millie when Jesus comes.


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  • Jim Jones

    I expect taxpayers spend over $250,000 to educate each American to adulthood. This is what they get for the expenditure far too often.

  • CoastalMaineBird

    We need a money-back guarantee.

  • The Bofa on the Sofa
  • Bob Jase

    Mr. Higgins, you idiot! Have you forgotten Jesus is scheduled to slaughter all the Jews so he can wade through their blood? Your poor dog will be all alone.

  • Old Harry

    One wonders if Lewis Black provides a similar service, especially for the heathen relatives of the Saved?

  • Tawreos

    I really, really, want to know what this guy was afraid that an atheist was going to teach his dog. Sit. Beg. Deny there’s a god.

  • Kevin Pennington

    Calculus, he was afraid you would teach his dog Calculus.

  • Tawreos

    I don’t allow filthy and unholy things like that in my house…unless calculus is slang for allowing the dog to have their own couch to sit on.

  • Kevin Pennington

    I heard Calculus is used to solve everything, so I think that’s exactly what it is.

  • Rational Human

    Sounds like a business opportunity for resourceful non Christians.

  • Stories like this are healthy reminders that there are some morons out there.

  • johnsoncatman

    Now don’t you worry, Rabbi, before the Second Coming, G0d’s gonna take care of the Jews too. So, when the Rapture comes, I need me a Jew to take care of my dog. I don’t want my dog being raised by no atheist.

    So what happens to the dog after the Jews are “taken care of” prior to the second coming? I guess poor doggie is just SOL at that point unless some kind atheist or Mu$l1m or H1ndu (etc.) takes it in.

  • digital bookworm

    “…and all good Christians are gonna be swept into heaven, and the only people left on earth are gonna be the Jews and the atheists.”

  • TheBookOfDavid

    Higgins, don’t take the bait! Rabbi Miller has no intention of helping your dog when you abandon it for Jesus. When the Rapture comes, he’ll have his hands full engineering the worldwide communist takeover and forcing the population to accept the mark of the antichrist and vaccines. If you can’t trust an atheist, at least find a Catholic or other fake Christian. Don’t let pride get in the way of doing what’s right for poor Millie!

  • Jim Jones

    Some! There’s an army of these zombies out there, each more stupid than the last!

  • Tawreos

    Before the Second Coming, Jesus is gonna appear and all good Christians are gonna be swept into heaven, and the only people left on earth are gonna be the Jews and the atheists.

    Has someone informed the Satanic Temple that they will be raptured along with the christians?

  • Jim Jones
  • Ruthitchka

    Well, according to a movie on DVD my sons watched a LOT when they were little, “All Dogs Go to Heaven.”

  • Jim Jones

    When “Mr Higgins” is raptured I’ll be hitting on the pretty church secretary he’s been taking home when his wife is out of town.

    Rapture on!

  • CoastalMaineBird

    Then the dog becomes an integral part of your life, and it’s hard to differentiate the two of you.

  • CoastalMaineBird

    “There are sarcastic joke sites on the Internet about many “after the Rapture” functions, as well as services run by atheists for a profit, but we are a real service.”

    atheists couldn’t run a “real” service, I guess…

  • CoastalMaineBird

    It’s not really heaven if your dog can’t come too..

  • Broga

    I’m pleased that Rapture besotted Christian isn’t looking after my yellow Labrador. With his new Messiah Trump as POTUS how long before atheists are banned from keeping dogs?

    Morons indeed. And awaiting eternal bliss which they are convinced they deserve. This gets more weird all the time.

  • Jim Jones


  • Kaja

    Boy, do these ‘rapture’ believers have a BIG surprise/disappointment coming.

  • Gussie FinkNottle

    Show of hands: who mentally read that in Cousin Eddie’s voice?

  • Came here to post this — you beat me to it.

  • No, Peter Griffin’s voice.

  • Madison Blane

    If the only people left on earth are the Jews and the Atheists, seems like a LOT of other faiths are going to be surprised to find themselves in Christian heaven! I’m not sure the Mormons and Scientologists who have other arrangements worked out with other alien sects are going to be happy with this arrangement. So Jesus is really gonna rob Mormons of their chance at having their own planet someday by kidnapping them and locking them up for eternity in heaven instead? That’s just rude – golden gates won’t make it any less of a prison! Oh gosh, wat if heaven really IS the galactic’s prison system?!? At least that would explain the “Jesus Forgives” thing – it’s a plea bargain agreement. And if Jews eventually get picked up too, that must mean the Atheists are the meek who shall inherit the earth? Sweet. Jesus needs to get his a$$ in gear then, before all these fools ruin my planet!

  • Madison Blane

    Well of course! Atheists are people who hate God, remember? We turned our back on him on purpose, because we wanted to sin. So we definitely already know he exists. It’s a lie to claim otherwise. /s

  • Madison Blane

    The tribulation is supposed to last like 1,000 years or so before the Jews get taken up. I figure the dog will be long gone by then.

  • Douglas Bailey

    I guess the Rabbi didn’t let him know they are still waiting for the First Coming. The Rabbi should have asked him to sign over his bank account to so he’d have funds to take care of the dog, given he won’t need it. Although wouldn’t having a savings account show you don’t really believe the rapture is coming soon?

  • Mythblaster

    There’s painfully stupid, then Eric Trump stupid, and finally worst of all, Christian stooopid.

  • TirzaR

    Isn’t this just postponing the problem? I mean, what happens when the Jews get raptured, too? Then what happens to Millie?

  • persephone


  • David Heath

    How close to Jesus will you be if there are hundreds of millions all taking part in the ‘rapture?’ Heck, there were only 500,000 at Woodstock and many of them couldn’t get anywhere near the stage!

  • David Heath

    “Have you told your cat about Jesus?”

  • Rosalind Dalefield

    But with plenty of human flesh to eat, presumably.

  • orion dumptee

    tons…..SC,NC, GA, etc

  • Connie Beane

    I’d be surprised if Higgins had enough money to have a bank account.

  • I once believed this stuff, doesn’t make them morons, they’re victims of religious indoctrination and being held captive by cultural and familial obligations and as such they are incentivized to conform.

  • We need to help show them that reason and evidence-based thinking along with human compassion is the better path forward.

  • Frolios

    He trusts Jesus to accurately and instantly sort through billions of humans so that no one is sent to the wrong eternal fate YET somehow lacks the faith that Jesus will take care of his dog after the Rapture.

  • HematitePersuasion

    One hopes the Rabbi is charging for the service …

  • Dhammarato Atheist

    Jews are know to be fast on their feet. good come back Rabbi, You would make a good stand-up comic, but maybe you already are.

  • Winter_of_our_Discontent

    I wonder if anyone has told Millie that she’s shit-out-of-luck…

  • Everyone who isn’t a Jew or an Evangelical is an atheist, you see. Episcopalians, Catholics, Orthodox Christians, lots of Methodists, most Church of Christers, Hindus, Muslims, Jains, Sikhs — those people are actually atheists/Satanists who hate the gods Jehovah and Jesus. Even the ones who claim to love those gods, actually hate them and are atheists who worship Satan. Those are people that Evangelicals refer to as “the World.”

  • Marie-José Renaud

    One problem at the time, please. He’s a Christian, after all.

  • Marie-José Renaud

    Meat is meat.

  • TirzaR
  • Jim X

    How many double negatives can a white Christian nationalist fit into one sentence?

  • Freethinker

    Don’t worry. As his 12 disciples can likely attest to, you don’t need to try to be close to Jesus to “experience Him”. As is written in the good book, he will find and enter you. Especially when you are bent over in supplicatory prayer. You know, like a good altar boy.

  • Freethinker

    We’ve all heard of dog whistle racism, but this takes it to a whole new level.