From The Few To The Many

From The Few To The Many November 7, 2016

My story is a very long and quite time-tasking extravaganza of a thing, with all kinds of oh myyyy moments ranging from tragic to celebratory. However, for this my first blog post here, I want to skim through the highlights of the past in order to get to the fun part!

The one part from the past you must know is that I’d always considered myself bi-sexual from the moment I liked a boy and dated him (in secret, shhhh, hush hush) back when I was 14. But, when things didn’t continue with that boy, I made a decision to keep those “bad” (great) feelings to myself. A thing which unknowingly (I was 14 after all) would shape the way my next 15 years would go.

I found myself wanting to be with boys, but enjoying myself far more when I was around girls, always fitting in better there it seemed. But then when I’d actually date them it never really totally felt right. Not fulfilling like everyone seemed to be able to find it to be. I was confused and lost, a feeling which never really left me. I dove into allowing the world that surrounded me to help me define myself. A world that was far more accepting of straight people.

Skip forward to 14 years, 2 kids, and a conservative Christian marriage later and I finally revealed my deepest hidden truth to my then wife; “I like men and even after trying I can’t get that feeling to go away”. It didn’t change that I loved her, cared for her, or even change that I wanted to be with her at the time. However due to a myriad of issues, this personal victory would end up coming at the cost of our marriage.

Since that moment, I began to finally examine myself for who I truly felt I was and who I truly felt I could be, who I wanted to be. This began as a completely personal introspective journey which I did not let hardly anyone in on. It began with examining my religion at the time until I felt for the first time I had taken a good hard look at it.

Now that I had gotten the philosophical heady stuff out of the way, it was time to figure out more of who I was personally. I knew I liked men and was pretty sure I liked women considering I had been with women 20 times more than men. So I came out to everyone as bi-sexual after spending time mulling it over with myself and a few close friends. But after a couple months of this, I still felt that same feeling I had always felt, that I just hadn’t quite gotten to where I truly am supposed to be. Hadn’t found me, not quite, not yet.

So I opened up to two of my best friends at the time, two girls who knew me well enough and who would be open to wherever I ended up. I confided in them that I felt the best thing for me to do is to go away from embracing my “straight side” as I had for 14 years and really go after my “gay side”. Embrace the part of me that I had shoved away into a corner for so long. This came after discussing with people the possibility of me simply being en-cultured to be straight by my choices and my surroundings all those years.

Two short months later and I’ve truly never been happier, which lead me to deciding it was time to come out to everyone as the overjoyed fabulous gay man that I had found inside of me. The one who had been hiding due to a desire to be accepted by the majority around me, among other things. I’ve had plenty of push back from people in regards to this and I’m sure more will be coming, but even with that I remain convinced without a doubt that this is the true me.

See, it’s all about finding YOUR path and taking it at YOUR speed within the reach of people you’re able to trust at the time. This is your life after all and this can be a very sensitive and delicate time for anyone going through making literal life altering decisions. So if you’re a questioning man or woman right now, or even someone who knows but is still working out the details, please know it’s okay to explore each and every corner of you and do so in whatever capacity you find yourself able to handle. You can inch your way out, or you can burst out like a gorgeous butterfly, it’s about doing what’s right for you.

You just never know what little corner you’ll find that just screams, “THIS IS ME, HEAR ME ROAR”.

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